need opinion from a mans point of view

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
need opinion from a mans point of view
40
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 9:38am

i have some questions.

i wonder how it is that a man after the A can move. do they have any feelings after it is over?

how can they be so strong and avoid any contact?

do they just stop caring or never cared at all?

thanks for listening

upsidedown

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 12:05pm

Upsidedown, I am going to take a shot at answering your questions. I have found this board to be very helpful as I go through the wide array of emotions involved in trying to end an A. However, I sometimes am frustrated by the prevailing thought put forth by many women on here, that men are somehow less sensitive than women, and that we don't experience the same pain when ending an A. Of course, I can't speak for all men, but I can tell you that ending my 10-month A (and I still don't have the job completely done) is by far, the most difficult, painful experience of my life. And no, I don't miss the "excitement of the affair, or the adrenaline highs" associated with the affair; I miss the OW. I love her so much that I would do anything to keep her--except divorce my wife and give up my family. I wish I did fit the stereotype that many women use on here to describe the OM, as that would make the separation easier. But the truth is that I hurt so bad, and care for her so much, that it is difficult to find the words that can explain it. Please ladies, don't think men don't care or hurt just as badly as you do. We just handle it a little differently.

I hope that helps, and good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 12:20pm

Nuts -

Thanks so much for posting a reply. I think alot of times, us women feel like the OM/MM doesn't care, because they make it look so easy (walking away that is). Men (for the most part) SEEM to have a much easier time with NC than women do - which gives the appearance of no emotions. I have struggled w/ this from my xOM too. I think that has been one of the hardest things in getting over the A - feeling like (after he told me I was the first person he ever said I love you to and the first person he ever wanted to marry) he was able to just drop me and walk away. When you (ie women) struggle everyday - hearing songs that remind us of them, seeing cars that look like theirs, it makes you wonder if they go through the same thing.

Anyway, now I'm rambling!! Really just wanted to say thanks!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 12:27pm

goingnuts,

thanks for your reply. it helps knowing that maybe perhaps he misses me too.

it has been very hard for me to get over the hurt of him just walking away without looking back.

getting over someone you once cared for is very hard.

i too was not looking to end my marriage. but want him as a friend to talk to each day.

hope your doing well. and again thanks..

upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 12:32pm

Then I have a follow-up question for you. How do you do it? How do you, as a guy, handle that pain?

When I was was with xMM, I didn’t doubt that he loved me very much. We shared the torment of wanting to be together, but not wanting to break up our families. He’s a good man, a great father and before he met me, I assume he was a great husband. I don’t fault him for making the right choice – to stay with his family.

But he has never tired to find out how I’m doing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for his strength because I don’t have it in me. But how did he do it? How did he take that love and all those emotions and just shove them away? What is the secret?

What do guys do differently that makes them seem stronger, or even less caring?

Thanks for taking the time to answer.

Shel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 12:50pm

going,

Thank you for your words today.. I am going on 5 months NC and had the same thoughts running through my head today. I also don't miss the drama of the A but I do miss HIM more than anything. I do remember one thing that he said when we tried to go NC one time and I gave in and contacted him.. He said that he was trying to be strong for me so that I could move on. I know that he has been doing that these past months.. I guess at times I just wish that I knew how he is doing. The hardest part for me has been after being so involved in each others lifes knowing what he was feeling and doing all day to NOTHING. No I wont try to contact him again to find out.. I am now living by the same words he told me so long ago.. Being strong for him hoping that he has found happiness again within himself and his family.

Wishing you the Best
Lost




Edited 1/7/2005 12:54 pm ET ET by lostnhim
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 2:24pm
Shell,
All I can tell you is that he must be a lot stronger than I am. I firmly believe that starting NC and strictly sticking to it is the ultimate answer. However, I also think that once the A reaches the love stage, and I mean real love, not just passion, then it is difficult, if not impossible to just walk away and never contact the other person again. If she requested NC, I would be able to do it, because like I said, I'd do anything for her except leave my wife and family. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 2:32pm

Nuts,

I wish there was a way to put your post on this board for all of the women struggling with this issue to see forever. It comes up over, and over, and over again. The one things that drags a lot of these women into a real pit of pain is seeing their xMM appearing rather cavalier about it all, that they really didn't care about us after all. That is striking right at the heart for women. While a lot of men love the thought of being used for sex (!!!!), for women that is about as hurtful as it gets.

So, reading your words, I believe, would give a lot of women comfort and the strength to go on. On their behalf, thank you.

So, if I understand, you have not ended your A? You are in the process of it? Is this just in your head right now or does your AP know that this is where you are headed? Forgive me if I've missed this story on previous posts.

My heart aches for you.

1T

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 2:47pm

We had walked away many times before and he usually came back. I am still waiting for him, but my hopes fade a little more each day.

I know he loved me and I sure as heck love him, so the thought that he just walked off into his happy little life without me, it just kills me sometimes.

But you said something else here that hits home. The last time we met, I told him that the only way for me to get over our A was for him to never talk to me again, never see me again, to pretend I don't exist.

So, I infer that by never calling me again, he's doing exactly what I asked, because he cares.

In a roundabout way, that makes me feel a little better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 5:52pm

Ok - see this is something that I am having a hard time with...I believe xOM truly loved me, so how could he think we could just have sex and there not be any feelings involved a month or so after we broke up?? I wanted us to try to be friends, but xOM said that he was afraid of that because friendship is how our whole A started. Amazing sex was just a bonus! He thought friendship would lead us back to the A, whereas the sex wouldn't...whatever! Was the "sex thing" just a ploy to conitue to stay in contact with me and to keep "tabs" on me??

The last time he contacted me, was the last time we were 'together' (the night H called during, and xOM flipped out and said what we were doing was wrong) which was in November. Could someone explain that to me?? If it was just sex - no emotions - why did he suddenly think it was wrong? I know it shouldn't matter now - the A is over and we haven't spoken in 3 weeks, but it's something that has continued to bug me!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 7:51pm

"like I said, I'd do anything for her except leave my wife and family"

I am genuinely perplexed by your post.

If you love and value your family so much, how could you embark on an affair?
At the same time, if you love your OW so much, how could you sleep next to someone else every night and not be sharing your life with her?

I would love to hear more of your story... I have never been able to understand that type of thinking.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

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