need opinion from a mans point of view
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need opinion from a mans point of view
| Fri, 01-07-2005 - 9:38am |
i have some questions.
i wonder how it is that a man after the A can move. do they have any feelings after it is over?
how can they be so strong and avoid any contact?
do they just stop caring or never cared at all?
thanks for listening
upsidedown

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"But he has never tried to find out how I’m doing".
Have to ask shel0815 - you say this but if you were both single and the relationship ended would you expect your ex b/f to check up on you?
Just seems sometimes that we lose sight of the basic fact that this is the end of a relationship like any other, be it a long time affair, loss through death or even a 'regular' R between two single people.
MS
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MSI have been torturing myself with the same thoughts these last few days. That is why I actually called him just to know that he did want to talk at some point.
I think that thought that this is easy for him just makes me more sad. I am not saying he doesn't think about it, but like you said the NC is easier. I am sure he can push thoughts of me from his head like I can't.
I know peopel say this get seasier but i am wonderign if that is true..excuse my skepticism!
Hey Up how long ago did your A end??
cap,
the last time we made love was in march, but we continued to talk only throught email. he wanted to slow things off. OM had a girlfriend at the time and he was getting ready to ask her to get married. he asked her in june and they got married in november. we met a couple of days before he asked her and we hugged and kissed. he pooped kissed me on the night of his wedding day when i kidnapped him and took him to my room with the excuse to get a bottle.
i think he was attracted to me. i dont know if the sex meant anything or not. i know we could never be together because we know each other socially and we know each others family.
i really wish i could just have him as a friend and be able to talk to him at least through email..just to know how he is doing.
hope you are still doing well....hang on to NC you CAN do it
He is not willing to give up his kids to be with me and I understand that. I have not given him any attention this week and he is now asking why I am being a B to him. I did not even give him an answer!! I usually ask him to get a drink with me so we can be together for a minute which I did not do this week and we walked out of work together last night and sometimes I will ask for a hug which usually involves a kiss but instead I refrained - just told him goodbye and walked off.
I am tired of being treated like s@#$ and I know I deserve much better than this. He used to take me to lunch, call and email me all the time. Of course that is when he was pursuing me and his W and kids were out of town. Since she came back all I get is "This is wrong and we should not be doing this." Wasn't it wrong in the first place??? What makes it any different now??
I think most of these MM are emotionally unavailable and are not risk takers. I know mine is a chickens#$% and is afraid of getting caught but had I known he would be like this now I would have never gotten in the A with him in the first place.
I am trying so hard to let him go and just avoid him at work....it is very difficult when I see him because I remember all the good times we had together but lately I look at him and try to think about how much he has hurt me and all the broken promises he made to me and it gets a little easier eveyday. I want so much to tell him to go to he** and I think one day soon I may be able to do that.....I wish you luck and I know you will be ok soon!!!!
Well she comes back and all of the sudden this whole A is wrong and the W and kids come first and he is SOOOO afraid of getting caught..the risk it too great...yada yada yada. So we talk and he tells me he feels guilty..... not because what he did to her but what he did to me by not being able to spend any time with me anymore. What I can't figure out is if men really do feel like this or is this a cop out way of telling me he was using me and doesn't want to see me anymore. We have been together a couple of times since she has come back and have kissed a lot but now I am always the one pursuing and asking to do this. I wonder do men really feel this guilty about the A? He has made comments to me that his DD asked him if he had a girlfriend?? NOt sure if he acts different at home or if the W said something and DD heard?
I really miss being with him and thought we had a great time together but lately I have been backing off and not asking him to do anything with me thinking that maybe he would realize that I wasn't just a piece of meat he could chew up and spit out. Or maybe he is scared he has feelings for me? If I ignore him at work he always comes over to flirt and he gives such mixed signals to me I don't know what to think. Maybe being a man you can shed some light on this for me....thanks
My male response to your questions (and please remember they're my opinions based upon my own life):
1. "i wonder how it is that a man after the A can move. do they have any feelings after it is over?"
How can a man move? I think it's because he has to or is forced to do so for a variety of reasons. Some have endings dropped in their lap and have no further contact. Some reach a point where the emotional commitment exceeds their desire of some "fun on the side". Others can no longer "sit on the fence" and choose to make the original primary relationship/marriage their complete focus in order to solve the issues that led to the affair in the first place. As to feelings after it's over, I think those are directly related to the motivation for the original affair; if the original intent was merely a diversion or dalliance from the primary relationship for sexual diversity, then the level of feelings afterward are minimal. If the motivation for the affair was to fill an emotional void, i believe most men will have lots of feelings about the end of the affair as well as strong feelings for the affair partner that won't go away simply because the affair has ended.
2."how can they be so strong and avoid any contact?"
I don't believe men as a whole are any stronger or weaker at avoiding contact than women are. As you read the many posts on this board, I believe you will find that the range is from continued contact and blatant disregard for the NC boundary set by a woman seeking to emphatically end the affair and continued contact to absolute no contact and steadfast refusal to answer or acknowledge the female former affair partner. Each situation is unique and as you'll read on this board, each man will respond differently to the end of the affair.
3."do they just stop caring or never cared at all?"
Some men stop caring, as do some of the women who post here. Some men never cared at all. Those men typically were seeking only sexual diversion. Some women never cared at all and sought only the same diversion. You won't find too many of that type of women posting on this board. My experience is that women as a whole are more caring of one another than men are and as such seek group input and support to resolve issues they are facing. Along the lines of "Men are from mars and women are from venus" differences. I believe it is sad that there are men who don't care at all and take advantage of women seeking emotional relief from their own desperate situations. As
I really appreciated your response with regard to what I am goign through!!
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I think MM is seeing this as out problem. The fights caused by what he sees as my expectations being too high have just gotten to be too much.
Good food for thought
Thanks
"Why do men need their W and the OW? Well, not really why but how?"
I think there are several answers to your question. Some men, such as myself, need to remain in the marriage for a variety of reasons and need additional emotional support from another woman to remain in the marriage. This is known as "cake-eating". Cake-eaters also tend to be "fence-sitters"; they can't leave the marriage and they can't end the affair, so they sit on the fence with one foot in each relationship. Reasons for this occurring tend to be primarily from unmet/unresolved emotional needs of the man within his marriage and an enabling affair partner providing "just enough" emotional sustenance to the MM to stay in limbo land within the marriage. Other men need the OW for sexual variety and do not place emotional commitment as important to the existence of the affair.
I believe that your question could also be asked from the female perspective of "why do women need their h and the OM? I think you'll find the answers for this question to parallel the answers for married men.
Both MM and MW are missing something from within their marriages that they are seeking solutions for from outside the marriage rather than deal directly with the issues with their spouse. I believe the affair patterns will continue over time until the underlying issues are brought out into the open and resolved.......
cl-nre
Jenn, from your post it seems to this male mind that you're being played big time......
xMM was available long enough while wife was out of town. She comes back and you're on the back burner and he's "feeling guilty"? I think it's more of a situation that this Lothario had his little fling and is looking for the exit door with another notch on his belt/scorecard.....
xMM comes back to you when you pull away from you and plays you again with just enough BS to string you along and keep you interested......
Some advice from this male: tell MM you'd love to pursue an above-board full-time dating relationship with him just as soon as he brings you his signed divorce decree and not a moment sooner. And that you're looking forward to integrating his kids into your life for some meaningful experiences. I'd bet you a LOT of money that MM will blanche when you say this to him, momentarily sputter formulating yet another excuse why "it just isn't the right time, please be patient" and the flirting stops dead in its tracks......
As I said at the start of this post, I think you're being played big-time by someone who has no intention in having a full-time above board relationship with you.
My question to you: aren't you worth the full time attention of a man 100% available to you? I think so and I think you shouldnt settle for anything less than that. In the part-time dead-end affair relationship you end up arranging your life to one that is convenient just for
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