need opinion from a mans point of view

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
need opinion from a mans point of view
40
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 9:38am

i have some questions.

i wonder how it is that a man after the A can move. do they have any feelings after it is over?

how can they be so strong and avoid any contact?

do they just stop caring or never cared at all?

thanks for listening

upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 3:48pm

Thanks for your response and I think I have known for sometime that I was being played by him and many times I felt like telling him to take a hike but I guess the thought of not being with ever again scared me.I think he wants attention and strings me along just enough to keep me hanging. I have a feeling he has done this a lot with other women. He will tell me things like his W may be going out of town and we can be together but it never happens that way. Sad thing is I told him I'm ok with just being with him on occasion and I thought I could do that but it makes me feel soooo cheap and used and I don't want to start this whole emotional roller coaster over to get hurt again.

ILAO about the divorce and dating comment. I really should tell him that and watch him squirm....the little weasel that he is!!!

You hit the nail on the head by calling my A part time and a dead end one at that. I am M but plan on getting a D soon. Yes, I deserve someone's attention 100% of the time!!! I have many men who call me and I actually met a man who is soooo cute and nice but also M recently. We have this connection and eye contact that feels like something is going on btw us. I saw him out the other night and he called me the next day.

But now I am so fearful of getting hurt, played, and used again and it is hard to trust anything that these men tell me. I know I should get a D first and then play but my M has been dead for sooo long I don't even feel M anymore and my H knows this. We have not had IC in 7 or 8 months...and I do not want to....with him.

I think my MM knows from my actions lately that I am tired of being played and I am tired of the broken promises and games. I am 36 and he is 39 and we are way too old for this crap.

Again thanks for the input...it hurts but I needed a man to tell me that!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 5:35pm

i wonder how it is that a man after the A can move. do they have any feelings after it is over?

Surely most of us feel very badly for lots of reasons. Most of us feel tremendous guilt for having betrayed our spouses and kids. Most of us feel guilt for having gotten involved in a situation that was wrong and hurt another person.

how can they be so strong and avoid any contact?

Sometimes we appear strong because we realize the bad has started to outweigh the good in the affair. If we want out from under the weight of the guilt and fear, we have to be the strong ones.

do they just stop caring or never cared at all?

I think the only time we stop caring is when the other woman starts to become too demanding. She starts to demand more than we feel comfortable (or safe) giving at that particular point. If there hasn't been too much damage done by (as perceived by the man) irrational behavior, he probably will venture back when he feels comfortable (or horny) again.

Affairs are not traditional relationships. There usually are not those safe comfortable times when a relationship can mend from the angry outbursts or hurt feelings. The man distances himself from the situation while the woman seems to feel a need to talk it out. I believe the woman's need to vent is why we see so many more women on these boards than we see men. Surely there must be some men out there also having affairs. Wouldn't that be something if we found out all the women were posting about the same (lucky) jerk!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 6:20pm

Hiya Nuts,

Thanks for sharing, you've brought some comfort to some hurting ladies here.

If you wouldn't mind, I'd love clarification of one point of something you've shared with us.

You said:-

<<>>

I'm really only curious as to how long it's been since you ended your 10 mos affair.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 8:10am

<<>>


Thank you for stepping up and posting this. I hope every gal on this board reads this with an open mind because *THIS* is exactly what most refuse to understand. They are too consumed with the "Buts" in these relationships: i.e., "But he is the one that pursued me," "But he is the one that said his marriage was bad," "But he told me how happy I made him," etc.


In affairs, (men and women) will manipulate and lie to get what they want. To the romantic novice, this is incomprehensible.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 2:21pm
1T,
Sorry for the delay in responding; I've been out of town. The OW and I have tried to end the A many times since last July. Currently, we are trying the friendship route, but it is difficult going from love to friendship. I don't want to repeat my long, strange story, but the bottom line is that after 21 years of a happy,successful marriage that produced two great kids, I got myself into an A with a MW 14 years younger than me. The OW just recently got divorced (not because of the A) and is now available. She would like to have a full-time relationship, but she knows that most likely it will never happen. If I didn't love my DW and family, I would be there for her. She knows exactly where I am at, as we have been up-front with each other from the start. What needs to happen is for her to find someone who can give 100% to her, and for me to give 100% to my DW. It will be painful, but that is what must happen. We got ourselves into this mess, now we must get ourselves out of it. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 10:22am

Thank you for your input and honesty. That is EXACTLY how it is. My affair of almost 3 years ended over a year ago. He is single now and we're best of friends. I'm still married and he tries to date occasionally, which is hilarious.

Like you said, affairs are not traditional relationships, and when one tries to fit the rules of play of traditional relationships into an affair it goes south ... fast. And yes, while MM/OMs come back when they're comfortable/horny it can leave the OW feeling "used". I'm sure there are some men out there that are just using women, and there are also a lot of men out there who just aren't getting what they need from their Ws (and vice versa). I believe that's why the attraction stronger in affairs than in traditional relationships. Because you have voids that match. All that is seen is that part in a magnified way and your peripheral vision is gone. Men and women process their feelings differently. Women have a need to talk, men don't have as strong a need to talk and view "we need to talk" as trouble.

Let's face it. Affairs are fun, not reality, playful, and all based on fantasy. Enjoy them for the moment they are there because that's all you have, is the moment. I don't regret having my affair. We created memories we both enjoy and talk about. But that's all it was and all it will ever be. And us females use our sexual powers and finnesse to attract our MM/OMs and we enjoy doing that. Just read the Affairs board. So when the affair is over you can't very well say you were "used", even tho you may "feel" that way. In reality, who used who? It's a two-way street. It's all about keeping your emotions in check and not expecting what one would see in a traditional relationship.

Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 11:24am

Wow, what a great thread this has turned out to be. Very enlightening.
Your timing is a coincidence because I just addressed this issue with XOM on Friday.

I have been really wondering about it so I decided to ask him how he was feeling during the almost 3 months of NC, and even now that it's really over. I told him that this whole thing has been extremely difficult on me and it seems like it's just no big deal to him.

His response: Well, I guess half of me was thinking that it would blow over and it wouldn't really end. The other half knew that it couldn't go on forever anyway (went on for 6 yrs.) and it had to end sometime, so if this was the time....then so be it.

My response: So it was like, "ok whatever" to you. As far as our relationship went, you could take it or leave it?

His response: Not really but since I've always known we had no future together, I have not allowed myself to get too emotionally attached so maybe it was easier for me than for you.

Anyway, I did appreciate his honesty and what he said seems to coincide with what everyone else has been saying. The conclusion that I have come to is that endings are by and large more difficult on Women because they have more of an emotional investment in the R. Men see things in a more practical light. (she is demanding more of my time and that is not practical).

Thank you for starting this thread, it had definitely reinforced my need to direct all my time and energy to the people in my life who truly love me and will always be there for me.

CG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 12:37pm

Nuts,

How tough this must be for you. I won't repeat my story (I'm not now or never have been in an affair), but I was tempted by someone once.

To be perfectly honest, the most motivating force that kept me out of the affair (not to say that guilt and fear of losing my family were not powerful), was the almost certainty that I would lose this person as a friend. If I did enter into an affair with him, it no doubt would have ended eventually (probably sooner than later), and then I would have lost him forever as a friend. He was and is too valuable to me.

Let me ask you - how would you have responded to that if your OW had told you that way in the beginning. 'I'm attracted to you too, but our friendship is very important to me. So that is why we need to stay just friends.'

Honestly, how would you have taken that? I fear this conversation with my 'OM' someday (not likely, but possible), and if I spoke those words they would be true. My fear is that I would hurt him (oh brother, the 'let's just be friends' speech) or worse, that I would encourage to pursue me more. We've been friends for many, many, many years.

How long were you friends with your OW before it was no longer platonic?

Just curious.

1T

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 2:33pm
1T,
My situation is a little different. I knew the OW, but I wouldn't have called it a real friendship. I had always admired her from afar, and thought she was absolutely beautiful. When I approached her (the reason is a story in itself) she was somewhat stunned, but welcomed it nonetheless. The real friendship developed after that, and we actually became more than friends before we were intimate. From the friendship, love grew, and now I wish the whole damn thing had never started in the first place. For all the joy it brought, it brought more pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 4:52pm

<<<<>>>>>>>

Therein lies the rub.

The pain surpasses the joy, and now I find that I'm starting to forget all the things about my xMM that made me happy... his smile, his laugh, his amazing sense of humor. All that is blurred by heart break.

A woman I work with is embroiled in an A. right now. Her lover is promising to leave his wife and marry her, "in a few months when he can make enough money so she can live in style." Unhuuuh.

I would give anything to spare her that kind of heart break. Or, maybe she'll be one of the happy ones. Who knows. But that's one big gamble.