need opinion from a mans point of view
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need opinion from a mans point of view
| Fri, 01-07-2005 - 9:38am |
i have some questions.
i wonder how it is that a man after the A can move. do they have any feelings after it is over?
how can they be so strong and avoid any contact?
do they just stop caring or never cared at all?
thanks for listening
upsidedown

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gn,
Thanks for all your input. It helps to hear a man's point of view although I do believe every circumstance is different.
You said that 'men handle things differently'. My XMM and I are trying to stay 'friends' although it has been harder on me than him (at least as far as I know.)
I had to push NC for nearly 5 months to bring myself to talk with him. I am still not sure what I want (if I want to keep him in my life or not.) He had told me that he wanted me in his life after I stopped things on a sexual level.
From your point of view, my XMM has never told met that he's never done this before (cheated on his W) - we did not sleep together but I know his W would not approve of the things we did. Is there a reason he won't admit to me if he just wanted the sexual variety from me vs. any type of emotional payoff? This really confuses me.
During our last conversation he asked me what I thought of him. I had to tell him that 'it just doesn't matter'. I could see discomfort all over his face, yet he still would not say anything to me. If I have to force it out of him, I don't want to know.
Opinion?
Thanks.
Nuts,
So, if I understand, you approached her in a romantic way before you really knew her as a friend? Wow, now that took guts. The pattern I tend to see more here is that people are friends for quite a while before they embark on something more. She must have really knocked your socks off.
Let me ask you some more questions, if I may:
1. If she had rejected you, what would you have done? Continue to pursue, pursue a friendship with her, or completely retreat?
2. Could you just be friends with her, or would it be too painful for you to do that? My best friend of 5 years (a male) failed to show up at my wedding. I never saw him again. I learned from a mutual friend that it was too painful for him to go to my wedding. I had absolutely no idea he felt that way. Now, 20 years later, it still hurts me. It has affected my ability to be friends with men ever since.
3. Are you having any motivational issues? That is, are you searching for that one piece of information, or story, or whatever, which will kick you over the edge that will make you finally be ready to walk away? Kind of like looking for the motivation to stick with a diet? Do you need a picture to stick on your refrigerator to remind you to stay away from the brownies?
4. How can I (or we on this board) best support you?
With Much Regard,
1T
iv,
You post:
"From your point of view, my XMM has never told met that he's never done this before (cheated on his W) - we did not sleep together but I know his W would not approve of the things we did. Is there a reason he won't admit to me if he just wanted the sexual variety from me vs. any type of emotional payoff? This really confuses me."
My take would be if he admitted to you that you were just "sexual variety," there is a good chance that you would send him packing, and he wouldn't want this. But, you also wrote:
"He had told me that he wanted me in his life after I stopped things on a sexual level."
So maybe he wanted more than just the physical aspects of the relationship. The only way you are going to know is if you talk to him. However, what confuses me, is why do you care? If your A is over, just be thankful for that, and leave the past in the past. If you stir things up, you might be sorry. Good luck to you.
1T,
I'll do my best with your questions:
1. If she had rejected you, what would you have done? Continue to pursue, pursue a friendship with her, or completely retreat?
I would have backed off and apologized for my forward behavior. We would have remained friends. I had never done anything like that before; it was completely out of character for me. Too much alcohol didn't help the situation.
2. Could you just be friends with her, or would it be too painful for you to do that? My best friend of 5 years (a male) failed to show up at my wedding. I never saw him again. I learned from a mutual friend that it was too painful for him to go to my wedding. I had absolutely no idea he felt that way. Now, 20 years later, it still hurts me. It has affected my ability to be friends with men ever since.
We are trying the friendship route. It sounds easier than it is. Going from a passionate, in-love relationship, to friends is kind of unrealistic. The feelings just don't cooperate with the plan. As others have posted, I'm starting to see that NC is probably the only fool-proof solution.
3. Are you having any motivational issues? That is, are you searching for that one piece of information, or story, or whatever, which will kick you over the edge that will make you finally be ready to walk away? Kind of like looking for the motivation to stick with a diet? Do you need a picture to stick on your refrigerator to remind you to stay away from the brownies?
My motivation is simple; my wife and kids. I don't want to lose them. I love them.
4. How can I (or we on this board) best support you?
You already have. Even though I screwed up big time, and I'm not completely out of the woods yet, it is therapeutic for me to sometimes offer advice to others who are going through the same thing.
I wish there were easy fixes that didn't have pain and anguish associated with them, but we all know that they don't exist. It all comes down to choices.
Take care.
Hi again Nuts,
Okay, so I'm a bit confused. You feel that you have ended the affair, but you just want to be friends. Why? Because it would seem weird to your wife if you were no longer friends with her? Because you just can't live without her in your life, even if it only platonic? Or, because you're trying to 'ease' out of this by slowly removing her from your life (you just can't handle cold-turkey).
What I'm getting at here is that you say you have the motivation to stop it (i.e., you want to keep your wife/family), but you're not really stopping it. I'm not critizing, just pointing out what you already know, I'm sure. Keeping the friendship going is like playing with fire - it greatly increases the chances that you'll fall back into the affair again.
What would your wife want you to do?
Really, I'm just trying to be helpful, not critical.
1T
I think he does know what he has to do:
<<>>
Breathe
Breathe,
My point exactly, but maybe he's searching for that once piece of motivation he needs to 'just do it?'
1T
1T,
Your questions and points are all valid.
Here's my situation. For one thing, having total NC is impossible since we live in a small town and cross paths at least once a week. But you are right, her and I have been unable to handle "cold turkey." She will finalize her D next week, and I am guessing that is when our "friendship" will grow more and more distant. I currently am able to offer her some support without it progressing physically; but it is awkward.
I have been upfront and honest with her about my desire to stay with my wife and family. She understands and accepts this. We both know that she must move on with her life without me, and me without her; that's just the way it has to be.
No, my wife would prefer that I stay out of contact with her.
Hi Nuts,
That must be extraordinarily difficult having to see your OW often. I cringe when I see people write about having to work with their xOPs. How painful that must be.
My heart goes out to you. I wish there was some magic fairy dust you could sprinkle on to get her out of your head. Knowing that you are obviuosly not the first person in this predicament might not make it any easier.
I took a different road. When the one and only man in my long marriage turned my head, I choose to keep him at arms length. By all indications, he made the same decision. We have spent years being 'the one that got away' for each other - both knowing that and both just keeping our distance but 'knowing' that we chose this path so that we could remain friends.
I made this choice not only to protect my marriage (which I treasure too), but to protect this friendship. So, I now still have both the friendship, and that special feeling that knowing someone out there has a 'thing' for me, and from time to time enjoying the way he treats me (we only see each other 2-3 times a year, professionally).
It is only dumb luck that I made this choice. After 3-4 conversations with him I recognized the attraction and pulled back. By the time he had made a 'move' (as subtle as it was), I had already made my choice. If, however, he had made his 'move' earlier (before I had time to digest the long term ramifications), who the heck knows what would have happened.
I'm no different from you - just luckier.
1T
Wow, I wish I had not taken that "first step" either... I ruined three really good friendships. And it never had to happen. I wasn't even that attracted to him until I got to know him better! Now he and I are suffering, not to mention our spouses.
To "nuts," I have to tell you about my mistakes...our spouses caught us (found e-mails) back in September. We fessed up and promised to limit our contact with each other. But of course we started talking secretly again, just to comfort each other... after a month or so, we were back to e-mailing the "I love yous" and trying to find someplace we could meet secretly. No sex, but just being together. I don't think the friendship thing can work! I would like to hear from someone who has actually accomplished this. Now we came clean again and this time we are both determined to stick with NC -- our marriages depend on it. I wish I had been stronger three months ago, then I would be three months ahead now!
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