Need a Pep Talk (or Lecture-you decide)
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| Fri, 10-22-2004 - 8:23am |
hey everyone--
It's funny how easy it is for me to give everyone else advice--I truly believe everything that I tell you guys. So why can't I manage my own darn situation better than I am???
XMM and I talked several times yesterday and I need you guys to tell me what an idiot I am. I am very concerned that next week I will fall off the wagon with this whole thing. It's XMM's Bday and I need to resist the temptation for that one last encounter. As I have said to y'all before, my relationship with this guy started out as a great friendship, then turned into the A. So I am on good terms with him and our conversation style is very easy and relaxed. And I also said a day or two ago that my feeling for him have told me that I need to walk away for his own good (he might not believe that :-).
Our companies do business together, so I end up talking to him at times. And I end up helping him with his business strategies. Unfortunately, I cannot change this part of my situation.
What I need from you guys is a lecture or a pep talk or a good shot to the head with a 2 by 4. I am going away on a getaway weekend with H today (no kids!!) so that should help. I'll check for your posts on Sunday night when I get back--hopefully someone out there will help set me on the right path so I am mentally prepared for next week.
Bring it on...
Meg

Hey, Meg,
My XMM's birthday is Monday. I have been coming back to this board a lot over the past couple of days because that is a semi-difficult hump... I celebrated his birthday with him for 5 years; it is still, 10 months after the end of the A, hard to accept that I won't be wishing him a Happy 40th!! So I can see how this is a trigger for you. You are pretty fresh off the A wagon, as I recall (ended last month?) so you are still in the "danger zone" where it is easy to get pulled back in.
It is a lot easier to dish out advice to others than it is to take our own advice, for some reason. Try to step back from your situation and look at it as an outsider. You know what you would tell yourself: "Get off the fence! Don't risk losing and hurting your husband, your kids, your life as you know it by getting sucked back in to this addiction!" One more encounter will put you right back at square one. You will never be truly "meg AT PEACE" until you learn to LET GO and get on with life!!!! Trust me on this one!
Have a great weekend with hubby and do your best while you're with him to remember why you fell in love with him, and why you would never want to hurt him this way!!
We are here to hold each other accountable... I don't have out the two-by-four yet, but if you make this big mistake next week, I'll be the first to give you a whack! ;-)
Hiya Meg,
Try re-reading this:- http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14367.1&ctx=0
Really read it. Don't shield yourself or turn away from it. "Feel" it, Meg.
Now try choosing the words to explain to your husband why you believed it would be ok to have an inappropriately intimate friendship with someone outside the marriage.
Next see which words will convey to exMM & his wife your own regret & sorrow at inflicting this type of enormous pain, life trauma and quite possibly the destruction of exMM's family.
Finally, now imagine sitting down with your own children and trying to explain to them why Mommy risked their happiness & security for some feel-good. What words would you choose, Meg? What words would make this ok to them and help them to understand?
Only you know whether the feel-good is worth the possible worst case scenarios in which case it's probably best to have something prepared insofar as what to say when the inevitable discovery occurs.
Now, look long & hard at all that you DO have right this minute. Really SEE the dozen or so things DH does for you every single day that SHOWS you he loves you, respects you, trusts & believes in you. Only you know what these are, Meg.
I know what my DH has done for me this very morning - he made my cup of coffee just how I like it, fed & entertained DD while I grabbed the chance to have a quick shower, asked me to email him a list so he can go grocery shopping on the way home from work, and he gave me the morning after the night before wink after kissing goodbye to DD & me. Not much was said, few words of love, no flowers or boxes of chocolate, but I am in no doubt whatsoever that this man loves me.
You have the self-awareness, Meg, you can see that you are slipping. Is it truly worth it to you to allow yourself to slip any further?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Meg
Lucky for you my 2 X 4 is in the shop for repair.
You are way to smart to think that you can have anysort of relationship with this guy that is not leading back into bed, sorry the friendship thing DOES NOT WORK, in my opinon based on as lot of observation once you cross the SEX line with a male friend the friendship is OVER and it is not coming back, there sex drive comes number one in the relatonship, and in the back and often in the front of there minds, if you think he is still your friend your kidding yourself and setting yourself up to CHEAT on your family again and this guy is not going to stop you just the reverse will happen.
If you really have to deal with him your going to have to force it to be totally professional and as public as possible.
Meg it is not about being strong it is about DECISIONS, there is know one that can force you to CHEAT on your family but there is one person that can stop you and that is you and you alone.
If you don't give yourself permission to CHEAT on your family your not going to do it, DECIDE her and NOW that your never going to CHEAT on your family again regardless of what anyone else says or does because it is not about your husband or XOM and what they say or do it is purely about "YOU".
Stop buying the LIE that you can be tempted into something you don't want to do.
If you lunch with guy something you should not do then I suggest NO DRINKING.
No personal talk of any type.
No physical contact.
NO ALONE TIME for any reason.
Be honest with yourself you want to be his DIRTY little secret or not.
Free
OKAY.......YOU ASKED FOR IT :(
Meg,
It appears that you are only strong when MM doesn't call. The 2 times he has are the 2 times you've asked the board for help. Is it just wishful thinking that you need to end this? Because if you have not adamantly concluded that *THIS IS IT*, you will remain susceptible to anything this man tosses your way, NOT to mention the mockery you are making out of all the sound advice you have been offering others.....
A suggestion: Go back and read EVERY post YOU have written and OWN them.
~True~
It's so hard to be strong, when you really just want one more moment with someone you truly care about.
I can tell you the same thing as everyone else ... be strong, think of the kids, your husband, your life ... etc.
But for me, I always think of freedom when I'm feeling weak. I'm free from the continuous knot in my stomach -- will he call, will I see him again, will we get caught?
I'm free from that horrible guilt I felt when I would come home and see my husband's face, my husband who thinks I belong only to him.
I'm free from the worry that someone will see me with the xMM and feel it is their duty to tell my husband about it.
I'm free from my xMM's indecisivness, his fickleness, his inability to commit to a telephone call or e-mail, his unwillingness to give me just one more minute of his time.
I'm free from his tendency to make fun of my hair, freckles, clothes, weight, teeth, accent and whatever else he thought was funny that day.
And I'm working on being free from the desire, the longing, the depressiion and the need for him. As soon as I'm free from that, I'll be free to really start living my life again.
Be free, Meg. You know you have it in you!
Thanks to all of you--thought I'd grab a minute to reply quickly before we head out of town...
When I got work today, there hadn't been time to get to your posts, but I knew I had to do something. I made the decision to have a chat with XMM. I laid out all the facts of our situation and told him that I would not allow us to be placed in the situation where the A would start up again. When we originally ended things, we talked a bit, but didn't really say outloud at that time all the reasons for stopping. Interestingly enough, I hit on some of the same things you had in your post, Posie, such as how would he like to explain to his W and kids the choices that he has been making. Since we have to deal with each other professionally, it really had to be said, at least from my perspective. And fortunately, Free, we do not need to meet in person, only talk over the phone occasionally, which is a bit easier, at least for now.
This talk was an important one for me to have with him, because we verbalized the end of the A by addressing the downsides, the elimination of behaviors that needs to happen, etc. As I have mentioned, our communication with each other has always been pretty straight-forward, and he was in agreement with everything I had to say.
I feel so much better; all your advice is just what I needed. I was almost certain that I wasn't really going to get back into the A, but I wanted to have some harsh realities thrown my way just in case. That article, Posie, was an important one for me when I first read it, and I appreciate you directing me back to it. And True, yes you're right, I have posted when I have come into contact with him. But the contact I experienced last weekend was the first I had with him since the ending, and it was really troubling me. Now that I am past that first contact, so to speak, and I had the talk with him today, I am more at peace than I was. And I think he is too.
Thanks again--I am now heading out with that cute H of mine :-)
Meg
Meg,
Well, I'm the last person to give advice after what I did today. But I can tell you how awful I feel now and how mad I am at myself. We had a good conversation, but I still know it was wrong. Any personal contact is wrong. B-day's are hard...but I know I would have felt better if I wished my cat a happy b-day, rather than him :-)
Stay strong!
Diva
My former A was similar to your situation in that XMM and I were close friends first, easy comfortable conversations, then the A. All I can tell you is to think about the importance of your H and your marriage. These things are obviously very important to you since you have made mm XMM already, so don't undo all the positive steps you have already taken in getting your life back under control.
Good luck in the upcoming week. Try to keep your necessary contact with XMM on strictly a business level especially if you are feeling weak right now.
Stay strong. Don't go backward.
IP