NEED A QUICK FIX HELP...
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| Thu, 03-17-2005 - 10:51am |
Hey All,
So its been over a week since we have absolutley NO CONTACT. Not an email, not a call, nothing. I am feeling really good about ending this and sticking to it. My T is really helping me but I got so busy at work this week I had to cancel my appt. with my T and today I am feeling a little anxiety. What I have been trying to do as soon as I think of xMM is create this vision in my head. ok, its kinda weird but it seems to be helping. I close my eyes and create this imaginary box in my head. I only allow bad memories and thoughts of xMM in this box. Once I start getting sentimental and think "outside of the box" I force myself to get back into the box and think of all the terrible things he has done rather than get all sentimental and emotional and remember the great times. I always finish this thought process with my DH and DS.
Today though I am feeling a bit down. Not sure why. It could be cuz' yesterday I had a meeting where he used to work. Which is where I met him as he was my client. Do you think thats what it is?
Just need a little shove, a little reassurance, a little kick in the a**, a little vote of confidence, a little help today. :(
Thanks!!!
Dipss

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Its been a week, you will have many reminders and triggers to come. I think you accessing a technique already is awesome. But yes being at a place where you two associated will be a trigger. I can't believe youve not had more (its probably because youve been busy at work)GOOD THING. I was left to be alone with my thoughts, my work is in his neighborhood...had to pass his street 3 times a week and if i didnt (or tried not to) that too was a reminder..lots of those.
Im a cancer..we put lots of meaning into things just like that (argh beauty and a curse i tell ya).
Ive literally been tortured (never had anxiety attacks before in my life...and Ive been through some stuff previous to this affair crap i tell ya).
....
and frankly not sure if easier to deal with someone at work because that is reality and they are seen as more human or tortured like myself when left to my own thoughts for hours driving and building things up or down. (i think at least i could cry and talk to myself lol..i really do sincerely feel for those having to face them at work).
Your post says you "need a quick fix"...:::Here is a huge hug::: just the fact that you are intuned enough to create a self-help technique for yourself...is great. You are a smart person. Shows that you do not wish to wallow as much as one *can*. You got my vote of confidence =), no need for shovin' ya, and I am glad you come here for reassurance. You have some great ideas =)
Lizzie
Dipps
Liz is right your going to have your trigger places/music whatever also some down days, don't make to big a deal out of it and give it an imporatnce it does not have.
Congrats on going your first week of NO CONTACT....REMEMBER BIG SISTER IS WATCHING YOU ;o}.
Free
Hey Free and Lizzie,
Thanks for your responses. I really, really appreciate them. Sometimes it helps to get those words of reasurance and of course lurking and reading all the other posts certainly helps too. Such great advice from everyone who is essentially going through the same wave of emotions.
Well I got through another day. Woo hoo! I just got back from an appointment with a client who also works with xMM. He calls on her too now. So of course his name came up and we chatted about him and on my drive home I felt sad suddenly. Plus the weather warming up always triggers memories of the fun and wild times we had since the A started in the Summer of 03.
How long will those memories and season changes trigger those responses???? I forced myself to get back into my "box" thinking but my gosh it sure was hard!!!!
I know ending it is for the best for all parties but I hate this friggin triggers that were the things in the past that always caused me to cave. Maybe I should move to a climate that is cold all year round and I will be safe. :-) But I HATE cold weather so that is not likely to happen now is it.
Free, sister, I dont know how you are so strong and how you stayed strong. You are one of the toughest chicks on this board and it always amazes me. I know your watching and I like that you are. Keeps me in line.
I am gonna take my DS out soon when he wakes up and put my thoughts and energy in enjoying this gorgeous day with him!
xo!
Dipss
ps- thanks for listening....
Dipss
There is no set rate of recovery, I think it is largely dependent on were your starting from and your own personality, strange as it seems i think those that have hurt badly enough long enough end the end recover faster once they start that recovery.
Over time the triggers will or may cause you to think of the X SLIME BUCKET but the emotional content will drain from the memories, just DECIDE in the bottom of your belly that you have had enough and you will get there in your own good time.
I just takes TIME and a commitment to YOURSELF that your going to do what ever it takes to get healthy again for you and your FAMILY, that is were strength comes from, that and hitting ROCK BOTTOM five are six times.
Love your box idea SO found this on another IV board FOR YOU:***********************
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"I was reading about 'negative karma'. If you search out there, you will find a lot of information on it. Everything we do, we do to ourselves. We are not victims. We make our own choices and we are responsible for them. (Powerful words).
A blurb...
Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
Unknown source
To avoid having negative thoughts that lead to negative actions in the future, we need to observe and control our own thoughts and behaviour, and destroy our negative attitudes.
- Similarly, we can observe/study (meditate) our own mind and encourage positive thoughts that lead to positive actions.
Good luck to all."
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Free
Awwww Free you really are the best! You are the Mom of the board, always keeping everyone in line. I think you should change your name. ;-)
The "box" thing is truly working for me. I really try not to allow myself to get sentimental about him and if I find I am...I open up that box and start thinking of all the bad things he has done, said, not said and of course I think of how truly wrong the whole thing was. Funny, I told my T that through out the whole thing I rarely felt guilty, which I thought was often strange. She said to me its really not uncommen for people in A's to not feel guilty - they kinda block that out with justifying thoughts of the A. i.e. I love him, he is my soul mate, we get along so well...etc.... The only time people often feel guilty is when they get caught. I thought that was very interesting. I am actually now starting to feel more guilt about the whole thing. Its like the clouds have lifted and I am realizing how really awful it was.
Thank you for always helping me out. Means more to me than you will ever truly know. You are a big part of, well, saving my life and family really. xoxo!
Dipss
Darling DIPPS
Got to like that, you like the energizer bunny (doves) may be branded for life with this name.
Thank you sometime I fell like and old mom to some of you kids, like any mom I only want to see the best for my children.
Guilt is often a sign of returning normal balance thinking a restoration of true emotional normality, IN SHORT A GOOD SIGN.
As time goes on and you get clear of this on the inside your going to look at the things like "sentimentality" and ask yourself WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING it's like getting sentimental about stepping in DOG DROPPINGS you going to want to scraped it off of your mind.
Your a good sport dipps I got pretty rough on you on more then a few occasions and you took it like a trooper, Know that I NEVER injoyed hurting your feelings.
It will be nice to ge to know the Old Dipps the new one was quite a girl so the Old one must be something special.
OK enough before I drive some poor diabetic into sugar shock !!! :o}
BEWARE THE STICK.
Free
<<>>
Oh boy, Dipss, that's progress. I actually arrived at this place recently and now find myself almost obsessing (and how unlikely it would be for me to be obsessing over something!!!!!) over how awful my A was. Nah, I don't mean the time we spent together. I mean the damage we did to everyone around. It's like I've recently reclaimed my conscience and its slowly but surely occuring to me what a jerk I was. And that's putting it mildly.
You're doing great, Dipss. Hang in there. Love, Mo.
Dearest Dipss....
You already got all the wonderful advice you needed, but I just wanted to let you know that you have my support too. The visualization is a GREAT technique. Keep that up! Yes, we all have triggers. They will happen. They happen to me 6 months after we ended STILL! Unfortunately they will probably never go away. We just need to learn to deal with them in a healthy way...just like you are doing. They DO lessen with time. But some of the stronger ones will remain, you just need to avoid them when possible and try to turn them into something positive. Maybe the next time you have to go to his old building, you could repeat a mantra in your head, like "I went through hell and came out the other side. I FIXED THIS AND I AM STRONGER." or something like that. Yes, we all made the mistake of getting into an A, but we all pulled ourselves out, too and THAT is something I am proud of every day.
As for the guilt, I agree with Free...
"Guilt is often a sign of returning normal balance thinking a restoration of true emotional normality, IN SHORT A GOOD SIGN."
I didn't feel the guilt until I KNEW I was 100% ready to be out of it. It was a sign to me that I was healing and returning back to the Lily I knew I was. The Lily who couldn't do the things I had been doing. You are coming back into your own, and that's a good thing. But again, instead of focusing on the terrible things we all have done, focus on what you did to get out of it...you saved your marriage and family. We can't change our past mistakes, so it's better to be glad that we aren't making them anymore. It was the hardest thing ever to get out of, right? But you did, and you will continue to make the right choices. Celebrate that! Celebrate every small victory...every day that you maintain NC. You can do this, Dipss. I am always here for you!
Love, Lily
Hi Mo,
Well big ((((Hugs)))) to you for always being a support to me! :-)
I am glad to hear that this guilt thing is a good sign of my road to recovery. Woo hoo! No big celebration yet, I realize that I am still very far from being completely out of the clear but I can defintely say that this time it sure feels different. Stronger than I have ever been and quite honestly it is sooooooo draining to get in and out of this frigin' thing that I am simply tired of the emotional roller coaster. Like I said before, it is time for Darling Dipss to get off that ride and stay off it forever.
I most certainly have to put more energy into my marriage cuz' I have to tell you whether I like to admit it or not, it surely has suffered. Or at least on my part. My emotional connection to my DH has vanished (perhaps too strong a word - maybe I should say its lost and I need to find it) . Regaining the physical attraction has somewhat vanished for me too. Sad to say but the truth. So that is gonna be my next topic of conversation with my T, how the hek do I get that feeling back for my sweet hubby. Another bad confession, but when I was with DH I would think of xMM to kinda get me through it. Terrible I know! So I need to re-build the emotional and physical connection which I am really trying to do. Just seems like our hectic daily schedules with work, DS, and just keeping everything in order, well that sometimes seems to go on the back burner. I think thats why it was also so exciting with xMM cuz' I didnt have to deal with any of the daily grind stuff with him. But guess what??? Welcome to adulthood and reality Dipss! Duh! :-)
As for your guilt, my advice - is dont obsess over it. We are all so good at that. ;-)
At least you realize what you did was not right, learn from it and keep doing what your doing. You are sounding sooooo great and I am truly happy for you!!!
We were all kinda jerks at the end of day. A mistake that we hopefully will never allow to happen again. We are fortunate at this point that we didnt lose our families over it. Now that would have been a HUGE mistake!!!
YOUR THE BEST MO!
xoxo!!
Dipss
Thanks Lovely Lily,
STAY STRONG GIRL...you are already out!! So stay there or I will tell FREE to bring out the stick on you. ;-)
How are you doing? Are you done obsessing? Did you ever respond to him? Truth be told I hope you didnt. Then if he responds to you, you may start analysing his response back...cuz' you know he will respond.
Focus on making that new little baby. I swear, there is nothing better. I could never imagine life with our wonderful DS. He is the best. True, pure and genuine happiness. I cant even describe the unconditional love you feel...but soon enough you will feel it too.
Be well...
Darling Dipss ;-)
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