NEED A QUICK FIX HELP...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
NEED A QUICK FIX HELP...
12
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 10:51am

Hey All,

So its been over a week since we have absolutley NO CONTACT. Not an email, not a call, nothing. I am feeling really good about ending this and sticking to it. My T is really helping me but I got so busy at work this week I had to cancel my appt. with my T and today I am feeling a little anxiety. What I have been trying to do as soon as I think of xMM is create this vision in my head. ok, its kinda weird but it seems to be helping. I close my eyes and create this imaginary box in my head. I only allow bad memories and thoughts of xMM in this box. Once I start getting sentimental and think "outside of the box" I force myself to get back into the box and think of all the terrible things he has done rather than get all sentimental and emotional and remember the great times. I always finish this thought process with my DH and DS.

Today though I am feeling a bit down. Not sure why. It could be cuz' yesterday I had a meeting where he used to work. Which is where I met him as he was my client. Do you think thats what it is?

Just need a little shove, a little reassurance, a little kick in the a**, a little vote of confidence, a little help today. :(

Thanks!!!

Dipss

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 2:54pm

Dipss,

I mainly lurk. I post here and there. But I had to respond becuase your post and the responses to your post hit home for me. I've been so rapped up in the guilt of what I have done to my DH that I did not see that I need to move forward and learn from my mistake. Reading your story and the responses made me see that I am not alone. You guys
make me feel less alone in what I dealing with. I don't have much to offer in advice. But I lurk here and there and post sometimes. But it always gives me a lift. This post especially because I been dealing with mainly the guilt of it all.

When I look back now I say what Free said "What the hell was I thinking....." I never look back at it as a good thing. But after reading all the posts I see that it is a step forward. I usually look back at my XMM with disgust. It's almost as I can't stand to even think about him.

You guys are right, I am so fortunate that I did not lose my family. That's where I have been focusing. I too have problems being intimate with my DH. But we had those problems well before my A. So, that I what my T, my DH and I are working on now. Sidenote, my DH
never found out.

I love when Free responds, you have so much to offer and I have always appreciated the advice you have given me.

Just my 2 cents.

Luv

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 6:14pm

Luv,

You have no idea how good you just made me feel! I lurk alot too and dont post all that much. For a couple of reasons: A) At one point I was still in the contact mode with xMM and kept going back and forth and didnt think it was fair to be posting when I was not completely out or at least trying as hard as I should have been (it was never quite like it was when it started in the Summer of 03 but I just couldnt let go) B) I never feel like I am far enough in the process to give much "good" advice (thus you making me feel good that I may have actually helped someone. :) I always feel like everyone helps me but I never have that great advice to offer)

Funny, my T asked me "if he/it doesnt make you feel good anymore, (cuz' he always says or does something that chips away at my self esteem) why do you stay in it?". That kinda hit home for me. I wasnt sure why, but it sure has given me food for thought. I also told her for the most part when I contact him its cuz' I am feeling sentimental about our friendship, the good times, the nice things he used to say to me etc...and that feeling overcomes me and its like my body is taken over by aliens and I just reach out to him. (or if i got really stressed and overwhelmed that would create a trigger for me to reach out to him - not like he ever helped me either). Anyway, she told me that I have to stop blocking out the "bad feelings" i got from him and how crappy I always felt after I reached out to him. She said you have to force your mind to think about that feeling and guess what? Its working. That is what I have been doing, that along with my "box" visualization concept. Strange but its working miracles for me. (she also told me xMM sounded like a jerk which secretly i loved!)

My DH never found out either. xMM and DH were supposed to have drinks the other night and my H cancelled. (they are kinda friends through me -cuz' he was my client and we would all hang out sometimes) They dont talk often but every so often they meet for a drink. My T also told me that was pretty awful that they knew each other.

So bottom line, I think, or from what I hear, that the guilt is a good thing. I guess its what we do with it thats important. Better to feel guilty and learn from our mistakes then to not feel guilty and to continue in the A.

I wish you lots of inner strength, peace and happiness. Its certainly not an easy road to recovery...this we are all witnesses to. We got ourselves into it and at the end of the day we need to deal with the guilt, learn from our mistakes and pull ourselves out of the A tunnel that much stronger. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and its feeling good. I was stuck in that friggin' tunnel for much too long.

Thanks again...you made my night in a strange kinda way. :-)

xoxo!

Dipss

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