Need re-assurance

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Need re-assurance
17
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 12:17pm
I have been reading the posts here for about a week or two now and I thought I could use some advice. I'm not new to iVillage, but to this board.

Here goes, this might be a little long, so please bear with me. I am the OW and this is the only A I've ever had. I am having a hard time living with myself and I've decided to end the physical relationship. The MM and I work together, fairly closely. I don't think that this will be a problem, because when we started this A, a little over a year ago, he always said that when it was over, for me to let him down gently. He is older than me, I'm 26 and he's 40. I am ending it because I don't want to get hurt, I'm falling in love with him and I know that that will only lead to my heartache.

MM is completely unhappy in his marriage and we talk about that quite often. I have talked to MM many times about feeling guilty and uneasy about what we were doing and understood. I'm hoping that will make this easier. We had an excellent friendship prior to any physical relationship and I want that back. Knowing MM the way I do, I think things will be ok. I was not made to be the OW.

Thank you for listening and any advice or insight is greatly appreciated.

Edited 9/11/2004 10:02 pm ET ET by lizzie24601


Edited 9/12/2004 7:41 pm ET ET by lizzie24601

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 6:25pm
Lizz

Lily has it right on the money.

Forgiveness is a DECISION whether your forgiving someone else or yourself, As strange as this may seem sometimes you need to forgive the OP to be able to forgive yourself and move on. Forgiveness can allow you to forget and move on in life.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 7:57pm
I know you are right, forgiving myself is the right thing to do and in time I hope to do that. Like I said before, I'm not even concerned with how he will react when I tell him it's over tomorrow. I made the decision to end it this weekend and tomorrow will be the first opportunity I have to tell him. I don't relly care how he reacts (which I don't think will be a bad reaction, but......I guess you never know though).

Anyway, I don't think I would have made it through this weekend without you guys and all of your supportive advice and encouragement. I really appreciate it. If you think of anything else that might help me, please let me know. Again, very grateful to you all.

lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 9:56pm
Well, I did it. I ended it today and I feel great! I cried most of yesterday, feeling ashamed and disappointed in myself, worrying about what my parents and family would think of me if they ever found out, but I just cried and cried and cried, and after telling xMM todat that it's over, I feel like a huge load has been lifted off my shoulders.

Things between us (me and xMM) were fairly normal today. He is out of the office most of the day (everyday) anyway, he's there early in the morning and late afternoons and it seemed to go pretty well. I just hope it stays that way.

Anyway, I just thought I would let you all know how it went today. I appreciate all of your support and kind words. I don't think I would have been able to get through this without you all.

Love,

lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 10:29pm
you've made a HUGE step toward independence & self-love. good for you!!! everyone here is pulling for you. stay strong!

work contact yes - personal contact no!

NC rules!

I'm 18 mos. affair free and have never been happier in my life. there is a better life out there for you too. If I can say that at 45, just think of all the cool stuff you have ahead of you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 10:33pm
p.s. forgiving yourself will come in time. the hard part for me is forgiving my xMM. even after all this time, I feel some anger toward him - the lies he told me, the promises he made. I think he was lying to himself too. I guess I'll finally be free when I can forgive him and put him completely out of my mind.

I guess we all have to remember that it's a process, you can only make yourself a better person & make your life one you can be proud of, from this day forward. keep on keeping on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 7:36am
Thank you so much. You are absolutely right. I think that part of forgiving yourself in this situation is vowing to never get in this situation again. Which I can do, I now know how it feels and what it can do to a person's mental and emotional state, and I can't see (from any perspective) that the toll it takes there is worth it.

Believe me, I loved the attention and affection and intimacy (but I think part of it was that I have never had anyone treat me that way or sy those things to me, ever). It is completely a "using" relationship. He was using me to get away from his W and I was using him of the attention and affection I thought I needed from a man. Looking at it that way made it a little easier for me to move on and realize I was doing the right thing and for the right reasons.

I don't think I can say this enough, but without this board, I don't know where I would be right now and I don't think I could have made any of the realizations above, so thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 12:14am
2 years ago Thanksgiving I was sitting at my PC, alone, my MM with his family & my kids with their dad's family (we divorced prior to my A) and discovered this site. It literally saved my life. It was the beginning of the real & final end of my A with my MM. I could NOT stay away from here. It opened my eyes SO much. I thought my affair was "true love" and we were "soulmates" and I craved his attention & affection.

I read the posts here & started posting & learned SO much. Mostly how similar our stories are. We all want love & we deserve it. We just deserve the real thing & not some fake copy.

Honestly, it was April of the next year before I ended it for good and all. But I never looked back & I have never been happier. I have found real love & it may not last forever but I know it's at least a thousand times better than the affair. It's real & sometimes it's hard but it grows & changes & I'm part of his whole life & he's part of my whole life. It's SO much better because it's not fake.

So hang in there. Forgive yourself & give yourself time to heal. stick around here as long as you need to -- you'll come to a point where it feels like it's time to move on. I did after a year. some get there quicker. I still check in from time to time to encourage everyone. It can be done & life WILL be better. You'll get there.

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