need to regain control--advice please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2005
need to regain control--advice please?
6
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 5:31pm

I just found this board a few days ago, and I'm really hoping that a few of you will be able to give me your opinions about my situation--I could really use some straight talk and some advice, and I've already learned a lot just by reading other people's stories. I'll try to make my story brief.

I'm a newlywed. About two years ago now, I befriended a man through work who was around my age (early 30s) and already married. I wasn't married at the time, though I was already in a long-term relationship with the man I eventually married. I immediately felt a connection with this OM, and we quickly became friends. Although we didn't see each other at all outside of work, we definitely enjoyed chatting and emailing throughout the day. I really liked talking to him. There were times when I thought to myself, hmm, I don't have this kind of interaction with any of my other male friends, but (maybe because I was naive, or in denial, or whatever) I just chalked it up to the convenience of being together all day and didn't really stress out about it. Anyway, I got engaged in late 2003, and soon after that my then-fiance and I got word that we'd be moving away from the city for about a year due to my job (at that time, I was no longer working with OM, but we regularly kept in touch through email). OM and I decided to get together for a good-bye, good-luck lunch--it was really one of the only times we'd seen each other outside of work. It was during that lunch that he confessed to having more-than-friendly feelings for me. It was kind of emotional, you could tell he was torn up about it, didn't know what to do, just wanted to be honest. I was upset by his confession, mostly because it forced me to confront how I felt about him. I'd definitely been dealing with some crush-like feelings of my own, but I absolutely NEVER thought it was mutual or that we'd actually have a conversation about it. I just sort of enjoyed thinking about it in the privacy of my own head. This forced me to admit to myself that I had feelings for him too. But it was a crazy time for me--I was getting married in a few months, I was going to be moving...I didn't have time to deal with it anyway. I left the city on good terms with him (if also sort of sad and awkward), and we actually didn't email much during the time that I was away. I felt like the situation was under control, and that the intensity would pass in time.

Fast forward to a few months ago, when I moved back to the city I'd left. I had really missed OM, still felt a connection to him, was a little wary of seeing him after the big confession last summer, but nevertheless committed to rebuilding our friendship. I know that if I had stayed strong and held my ground about being friends, everything probably would have been okay. Unfortunately, I've had a tough past few months. I've struggled to find a new job, dealt with some issues with friends and family, and been separated from my husband due to his work. As a result, probably because I was lonely and frustrated, I found myself really craving that intense connection that I had with OM. And so instead of letting sleeping dogs lie, I became more and more dependent on communicating with him. And not just in a superficial way--I couldn't just "be friends" with him. Instead, I felt compelled to talk about our friendship and our feelings and how to make this work, etc. I probably learned a little too much about how OM feels about me. OM was open to talking about everything, but he was also fine with not talking about it, too--and I started to find it irritating that his feelings were so intense and yet he was able to keep them under control. Every time OM made an effort to just "be" friends, even though I'd agreed I wanted that, I found myself getting frustrated. I still wanted that closeness. I didn't want to give up that intensity for just a regular old friendship. Given what I knew about how he felt, I didn't understand how HE could, either. It got to the point where I felt like I was starting to make a fool out of myself. More than that, I was starting to get worried that if I kept asking for that connection, that he'd keep giving it, and that we'd find ourselves in a bad situation. So a couple of weeks ago I emailed him and said that I needed a break. He was fine with it (of course), and said to just contact him again when I was ready. I think I did what was necessary to regain some control of the situation, but I still have a lot of unanswered questions that are driving me crazy. I also wonder if we really will be able to find a way to make this work. I don't really have a specific question for the board--just wanted to see if anyone had any thoughts on how to move forward, how to control feelings, whether it's possible to keep this person in my life somehow? I do miss him. Thanks for any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 5:59pm

As I know all too well, we can't control our feelings, we can only control our actions. And you can choose not to act on your feelings. Period.

You made the right decision to take a break from his friendship because it does sound like you were needing a bit more from the relationship. But you probably need to figure out WHY you wanted more from the friendship. Chances are, it's something lacking in YOU but it might also be something lacking in your marriage. Without acting on those thoughts, the only way you will achieve peace with the situation is thru understanding. If you're not in therapy, it might help you come to terms with your feelings.

The fact that you were very anxious to hear him talk about his feelings for you is interesting. Give it some thought. Why did you want to hear it from him, know about it, and what effect did it have on you when you did hear it? Can you relate those feelings to anything else in your life? Any other experiences you've had?

One thing I would encourage is not to just white knuckle your way thru this and just hope you don't find yourself in the same situation with him, or someone else, in the future. Knowledge is power. If you can begin to understand WHY you can hopefully prevent the same thing from happening again.

Hang in there. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 12:52am

RR

The friendship thing DOES NOT WORK it just leads to trouble and pain for all involved...END IT NOW.

Step 1 NO CONTACT

STEP 2 Deal with the reasons this happened what is going on with "YOU" first and your marriage second....seperation from spouse is an excuse/justification not the REAL REASON, the real reason is always to be found inside "US" and no were else.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 10:47am

Thanks for the feedback. I think it's definitely true that my attachment to this man shows that some things are missing in me and my marriage. I don't feel like I'm getting enough emotional attention, attachment, or validation from my husband. He's very practical and logical, and it often feels like he doesn't have time or energy for feelings--just facts. He tends to put his feelings in a box and doesn't deal with them. And he thinks other people (namely, me) should do the same thing. Many times he'll classify my reaction to something as overly emotional, or melodramatic--it's like he'll dismiss my feelings outright, just because he may not have the same feelings. He's always been this way, and as a result I think I've just looked to other people (parents, other friends) for that emotional understanding. I think I was drawn to OM originally because he was/is very expressive--likes to talk about feelings, admit to weaknesses, ask about how others are feeling. I just soaked it up like a sponge. I liked that he told me what was going on in his mind. I don't often get the feeling that my husband spends as much time looking inwardly as I do. But OM does.

One of the scariest things I've realized recently is how far back this goes. I think I've been letting other people fill in the blanks for my husband for a while now. And I think I was getting something important out of my friendship with OM well before anyone admitted to any attraction. I was just good at denying it, and I didn't have to go out of my way to get it since we worked together. I don't know why I crave intimacy from him the way that I do. But now that I know how he feels, I just can't seem to let it go. I know that's what I need to do. I need to be able to refrain from asking for a level of intimacy that's too intense, given that we are both married. I'm just finding it really hard to scale back, lower my expectations, and be okay with that. Any more thoughts from anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 1:06pm

Hello russellryan,

"Many times he'll classify my reaction to something as overly emotional, or melodramatic--it's like he'll dismiss my feelings outright, just because he may not have the same feelings."

Wow, can I empathize with you on this. H would always tell me that I overact especially where the children are concerned. He would also have expectations that I could perform tasks at our business that I am completely unqualified to undertake. For example the annual tax return! He believes I can do anything and everything and since he thinks it would save money he would push/press/harp to get his way. I had to find my strength to push back and I have.

While my A was in the emotional stage I did talk to my H about my thoughts of straying. He was shocked and finally I had his attention. It's one of the few times in our long marriage that he listened and did not interupt. He remained quite calm throughout. I did not tell him that I had already met someone. We had many discussions and he began listening and making changes in his behavior and doing whatever it took to see that I was happy. Then he watched me like a hawk. Unfortunately that didn't stop me from continuing with the A and progressing to the physical stage. How I wish I would have stopped before I crossed that line. Now I get to carry that guilt with me for the rest of this life. It's been months since our initial discussions and H continues to work on his overbearing nature. He listens much better now. He took those discussions seriously because he was fully aware that he was on the brink of losing me.

I would suggest that you find a quiet time to have a serious discussion with your H. It's only fair that he should know what your frustrations, thoughts and feelings are. It's only fair that you should know if he is willing to listen and take the necessary actions to make your marriage work for both of you. It's only fair that you give your H the time to process this information and initiate those changes. Start communicating with your H and stop communicating with OM.

Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 7:23pm

Here's a website devoted to healthy coping strategies. Here there are overviews, self-assessments, point by point illustration of the negative impact of specific unhealthy coping strategies as well as methods & exercises by which to formulate more healthy ones. See which apply to you personally.

In these links and within yourself, you have all the answers. What you decide to do with those answers is entirely your own choice.

Over-dependence http://www.coping.org/control/overdep.htm

Helplessness http://www.coping.org/control/helpless.htm

The Need to "Fix" http://www.coping.org/control/fixing.htm

Need to Control http://www.coping.org/control/need.htm

Manipulation http://www.coping.org/control/manipul.htm

Detachment http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

Self-Control http://www.coping.org/control/selfcont.htm

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 6:52pm

Hello! :) Welcome to the board!

I can very much relate to your entire story. My situation was very much the same as yours. One day, I just made a conscious decision to end the A and start working on my marriage and my relationship with H. It was hard, I won't lie to you. It took several attempts to end it for good. If you are interested, you can look back at my previous posts (not sure how far back they go), but I fell off the proverbial wagon a few times before I finally said "ENOUGH!" That was almost a year ago.

You can end this A if that is what you really want. Staying in the A is only going to make things worse for your marriage. My advice is to seek marriage counseling with H. Explain to him in a non-threatening way that you feel some distance between you and want to work on it together as a couple.

I agree with the other posters who recommended no contact. That is truly the only way to effectively end the A once and for all. Come here and post, and read posts by others. Doing so will help you through the bad days, and you will have them.

Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.

((hugs))
Circe