Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012
Need some advice
7
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 3:57pm

Hi,
I have a question for those who have had a D-Day. Does your H/W/SO still bring up xAP? It has been over 2 years since my D-Day and my H still has the tendency to bring it up occasionally. While I was still in the A it didn't really bother me, but now that I have ended it every time he mentions it I feel like I've been stabbed. He has brought it up 2 times in the 3 weeks since NC started. I don't think he is doing it maliciously, but it hurts nonetheless. Here are a couple of examples:

#1 He saw xAPs wife on his "People you may know" on FB and he asked me why she would be there when they have no friends in common. I told him I believe it is b/c he still has the messages they sent back and forth.

#2 He referred to something that happened in the midst of my A and I responded with "I don't remember that" to which he said "Oh, it must have been during the (insert xAPs name here) phase".

I was just wondering if anyone else has had this problem, if so how they handled it. Did you talk to your H/W/SO about it or just deal with it?

Thanks

P.S. I have been having really bad withdrawals for the last few days. They are so intense. This is the worst they've been since I first initiated NC. I haven't done anything stupid yet, but I am fighting hard. :(

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 5:42pm
Hi Tennis,
I am so sorry you are having a tough time with withdrawals lately. 2 years since D-Day, but you still had contact with xap up until about three weeks ago? If the A lasted 3 years, I have read that it takes about as long as the A lasted to heal. Your H is still healing. His bringing things up occasionally is normal - did he know everything about the A or just some things? And I am assuming he did not know that you continued with xap after D-Day? Did he express to you any suspicions?
Because you have now chosen to end it for good, and you are only a short time out from that "finality", you are going to feel these things said by H in a more intense way because your pain is still so raw. Sigh. (((HUGS))) to you, honey. I can't completely identify because my D-Day was a finality in and of itself for me, since it was brought on by xap himself. I never looked back. The pain on H's face was enough to turn me into the opposite direction. I told him everything (sparing painful details) when he asked me questions. The truth was there. And H still brings things up on occassion, and I still see pain there, though it has gotten better. Your H is on his journey to healing, and because you are starting your journey, too, this makes it all the more difficult. Hold your resolve. Thank you so much for posting this - I don't know if what I have shared helped you much because I haven't been exactly where you are, but I have been in the general vincinity. :)
keep posting through the intensity, sweetie. Fight the good fight. You can make it this time.
Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 6:48pm

Thank you for responding Hearts.

Yes, my A lasted 3 years off and on, but my H only knows about 10 months of it. XAPs wife caught him and she told my H. After that we didn't have any contact for about 7 months. The A started back up after he e-mailed out of the blue. We had a few more attempts at NC all initiated by him. This time I am the one who went NC. I sent him a goodbye e-mail and he sent one back telling me that I would always know where to find him. I wish he wouldn't have done that. Anyway, my H does know everything that happened in the first 10 months. XAPs wife found all of our e-mails and sent them to my H. After he found out I told him everything he wanted to know. I answered every question he had. He doesn't know, nor does he suspect that we have been talking again.

Thanks again for your kind words Hearts. I really needed them today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 8:52pm
Hi Sweet Tennis Girl, I know how overwhelming it is at the beginning. The withdrawal feelings can be all consuming so do your best to take care of yourself until the intensity subsides. It might help to think of the healing process in steps. The very beginning requires a lot of self care so you can maintain NC and get through the initial withdrawals. It is really tough at this point to have energy or a clear enough focus to really work on the marriage. Those issues will get addressed as you start to feel better. You are wise to allow your H to process what he can right now while you get used to being solid about NC. It is painful to break a connection, Honey even if that connection is wrong. One day at a time, one step at a time, and gradually you will regain control of your life and your dignity. Trust the process and keep posting! Here is a (((comfort squeeze))) just for you. Love, GH
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 8:52pm

Tennisgirl-

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 2:08pm

Ty GH! You are so sweet. I must admit that I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. I've lost 7lbs in the last 3 weeks. My H jokingly told me that I need to cut back on the pilates. I really hope my strange behavior isn't a dead giveaway. I try to be perky and happy when he is around, it feels so fake. The weirdest part is that when I ended it I was SO happy. I felt empowered and in control so the first few weeks were easy, but now it is setting in that it is really over. I know it makes no sense, but I just want to know what he is doing. Has he forgotten me already? Why do I care? Sigh. I can't stop thinking about it. I went for a mani/pedi with some friends this morning and the whole time I was thinking about him. I feel like I took 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. BUT I have stood my ground so far and haven't caved in. Day 25 NC and counting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 2:20pm

Hi Angie, ty for your response. It made me think...maybe he does suspect something. We do seem to think we are way more smooth than we actually are. I am sorry to hear about your seperation. My H left for 3 weeks right after he found out about my A. He just had to clear his head. I don't know how he would react if he knew that it has continued for 2 more years. I am constantly worried that xAP will tell his wife or she'll find out and tell my H again. I am waiting for that FB message. I just want that to all be in the past. I don't want to have to worry about him finding out. I don't want to have to carry my cell phone EVERYWHERE praying he doesn't text while my H is right there.

I am curious, if you were to talk toyour H about it, what exactly would you say?

I was actually tossing around the idea of telling him everything. Putting it all out on the table. I'm not going to do that in this state of mind though. I'm not thinking clearly enough to make that kind of decision. Maybe I'll just ask him why he brings it up after so long. Ask him if it is still bothering him and if there is anything I can do to help him. I'm not really sure what to do or say at this point b/c everything is a lie. I just don't know.



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 11:30pm

HI Tennis-

Formerly heartacheafter7years