Need some advice on moving forward

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need some advice on moving forward
5
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 9:10pm
I live in the same SMALL town as xmm and his W. I have always walked at the park everyday for the past 2 years and feel I have changed enough of my routine (costng me $$) for these people (to avoid awkward run ins) and do not want to change my daily walking routine but it is the same place where there kids play sports so i am bound to see the W (from afar hopefully) there once or twice a week. How do I handle this if she approaches me? I am afraid of her anger and perhaps violence. I want to hold my head up high as I do not feel I should have to bear all the shame. I feel bad enough to not have to carry her husbands blame on my shoulders as well even though she feels he was just a victim. What do I say if she stops to says something nasty to me? I do not want to feel ill will towards either of them.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 1:07am
Unless the W gets physical with you, her anger is her issue, not yours.

I believe that if you give yourself in to your fears, then your fears will govern your life. Is that really what you're about? I don't think so.

Remember that the affair is over. The past is just that--the past. SO leave it there and move on with your life. Change the dance and the dance changes.

Small town or not, (and by the way, I live in a town that is small in many ways, too)how YOU carry yourself will have a tremendous effect upon the resolution of the past. Going forward from here you have the opportunity to move about your daily business with confidence.You no longer have to skulk or lie about your actions. You're living a truthful, honest life. So live it. You have nothing more to hide or be ashamed of. Take the pro-active step to accept your past as your past and FORGIVE yourself for your errors and MOVE ON.

With that type of attitude I believe you will find your fears will wither and die on their own.

You can't control the wife or her reactions. You can control yours. In the face of rude or hateful comments, you have an opportunity to respond in a kind, truthful manner, or not at all. You don't have to engage in conversation with her. You can politely change the subject and move on. Follow your agenda, not hers. If she wants to engage with you, let it be on your terms, not hers. Talk about the weather, or the score of the game....whatever. Or not at all. It's your choice as to what you say.

I think you'll find the rest of your small town really isn't too interested in you or her or what's going on and the sooner you move your life to a new place, the sooner the rest of the town will move on, too. Your affair is old news. So what's new today?

Good luck and keep moving forward.......

jmho,

cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 1:53am
This A was not just you! Unless you held a gun to his head then he participated willingly and you already know that! The wife is in denial to an extent because to blame him at all will cause her to doubt herself! Avoid her when possible and don't allow her to make you get into a discussion or arguement of any kind! If she approaches you simply tell her you are truly sorry for her pain! AND WALK AWAY! If you are able to walk away with silence then do it! NOTHING YOU SAY WILL APPEASE HER RIGHT NOW! It is like NRE said! It's her problem now! You have enough on your plate! It's time for you to take care of you! He's the one that needs to take care of her! Turning the other cheek works! You have 4 cheeks! Keep turning them on a rotational basis! Women don't steal other womens husbands! She needs to own up to her part in this whatever it may be! He may just be a cheater! She chose him! Her garbage not yours! AGAIN WALK AWAY! POWER WALK AWAY! That will keep you moving forward! Hope this helps! Remember if you don't put on the gloves to box you can't get knocked out!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 12:40pm
Thank you both of you for your replies. What you said makes a lot of sense. I guess I have to stop letting her make me feel like I am the "low life" bad person in this situation. They are not my victims. Her husband is just as much to blame. I do not deserve to hang my head low while they go about their lives like they deserve to be here and I don't. Thank you for caring and kind words and advice.

Lyssa
Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 9:44pm
Hey Lyssa........ think of it this way... you pay your taxes just like they do. If you should run into her or even him... I would keep walking and not even acknowledge their existence! Sorry to disagree with SB43 but you do NOT owe her or him ANY apologies or expressions of sorrow.

Stay strong, focused on you and remember that YOUR tax dollars help support the park so you have every right to be there.

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 8:31am
Thanks - I would rather just ignore them both and get on with my life. I have no desire to speak withim about anything either - there really is nothing left to say. And I really want her to ignore but if she has got something to say , I guess I would really prefer that it happens now and not like 6 mos to a year down the road. I want to be rid of it now. (does that make any sense?)

Thanks for your reply

Lyssa