Need some advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Need some advice please
10
Sat, 10-23-2010 - 9:33am

I am mired in this bargaining stage right now. I keep building little scenarios in my head where I can see him again, give it

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 10-23-2010 - 9:57am

((((Always))))

As long as you are committed to not breaking NC, you need do whatever feels best for you. When I am dealing with these thoughts, I meditate and picture a string going in one ear, through my brain and out the other ear. Let the thoughts come in on the string, move through you and out the other side :) It really works. Another thing I do is allow myself to think about one thing at a time. I know how you are feeling right now - it's like the thoughts are coming so fast you don't have time to dodge each one. Choose a thought, process it and move on. Remember to knock that man off the pedestal too. Keep it real :)

Bodhi

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Sat, 10-23-2010 - 10:16am
Hi Always, You will most likely (I should say with all certainty) get some excellent advice from the long-time members here, but as a newbie myself, I thought I would throw in my 2 cents. First of all, I am in this bargaining stage as well. It really sucks to be in this stage, doesn't it? Having those little conversations in your head...imagining what he might "do differently" this time (yeah, right)...or maybe I would be satisfied with an encounter every now and then so at least I could see him and still fill that void (that will NEVER get filled if I let him back in, it would just get BIGGER)...ah, yes. Bargaining. I hate it. I especially hate it when H and I are having some intimate time together and thoughts creep into my mind...YUCK!!!!!!!! I am not sure who it was on here that said every time she had a thought of xAP, she would imagine a huge STOP sign. What I do recommend you do, Always, is to accept the feelings that you are having during this painful process of bargaining - they are your real feelings, and part of healing is to accept those feelings. Even the icky ones. There will be sadness, we will "miss" him, or maybe not so much "him" as the temporary comfort and filling of the void he was providing us. We are angry, at ourselves for making these choices - but don't dwell on the anger! That is my #1 weakness!! I was SO angry for so many years at my DH and pushed those feelings aside to the point where I denied it! That is the other extreme, and also not good to do. It is a fine balance. We also feel guilt...and that is not good to dwell on, either. Everyone makes mistakes, and we learn from them and can grow into a stronger and wiser individual! :) Let's just continue to encourage each other through this yucky phase, especially on the days that are incredibly difficult. We can get through this!! :) Hearts <3
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Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 10-23-2010 - 1:01pm

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Registered: 03-08-2009
Sun, 10-24-2010 - 9:11am
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 10-24-2010 - 10:21am

Alwayst,

The bargaining stage is one most of us go through and NEED to deal with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Sun, 10-24-2010 - 1:33pm
"Just because thoughts are played out in one's head and not translating into action doesn't mean that they are not hurtful and destructive. Make being emotionally peaceful and healthy a priority."

I am trying. I will be strong. I am already sick of my whiny self and wondering what the hell I'm even bargaining for. To go back to that toxic mess so I can further degrade myself and feel like a two dollar whore afterward? Doesn't really sound like such a great bargain afterall.

I am getting through all this in a much better manner than my previous attempts. The light is different this time. Many of the same feelings of needing validation and escape still linger, but I recognize that those are my issues and xAP really plays no part in it, other than he provided the thrill and the penis. Blunt and perhaps a little crude, but it's the truth. We used each other.

I am reading, reading, reading....I am leaning on vets and near vets ( :) ) to help me through some of these feelings that I'm honestly trying to assess rather than avoid.

I know that it will get better, that I will get better. I also know that it will take a little time. I am willing to be patient.

Much gratitude and hugs,
~alwayst2
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sun, 10-24-2010 - 2:16pm

I think you are struggling with some residual "feel goods" and also knowing and recognizing you are committed to ending the affair. Trying to work through this is tough and often left me very angry with not only xAP, but myself. Time heals most wounds (not all !) but through NC and time, you eventually understand your behavior. And with a better understanding, the less you think about xAP and the focus is on yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 10-24-2010 - 8:05pm

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 6:20am

Thank you, TU, for putting so much thought and your own experience into your reply. I am holding onto each one of you very tightly. I can't believe this is only day 13 NC for me. In some ways, I feel much stronger and that I should have much more time than that under my belt!!! In other ways, I feel like a brand new newbie.

When I am "bargaining" or thinking of him, I am not thinking of a life with him. I am 99% of the time thinking about the sex and how I felt so desired by him. I don't feel that way with H. Sex with H is okay, but not grand. I don't want to get into that whole discussion because I know it's been deemed inappropriate for this board (which I can't understand since my guess is that it is a huge issue for many of the women here.) Anyways, that's what I think about most of the time.

But I have come back completely humbled and willing to take all the necessary steps to get over this, so I have now committed to spending only about

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 10:51am

<>

I understand that feeling. It wasn't the actual sex, it was the feelings and emotional highs I got from being close to xAP, sharing things, sharing my life. We have to get out of the fog to recognize it's the feel goods that keeps us going back for more.