need some air in my waterwings
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| Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:09am |
First, I have to admit to E1 that my crack smoking is being able to see XAP's car down the street when he parked in his own parking space. I have done a good job going alternate routes and not looking down there when I get here in the morning. It's impossible not to notice when he is parked across the street, which he has done several times in the last few weeks.
This morning I did look down there. I don't know why. His car wasn't there. Then it hit me that one of his kids is moving pretty far away today. So right now I feel like I'm splashing around in the f-ing deep end with all these emotions. Sad that he wouldn't leave so I could be there for him with the emotions I'm sure he's feeling. Angry at myself for being in this position and feeling this way. Rejected because I'm not the woman in his life. Lonely because his life has always seemed for "full" than mine. Hurt that it feels like life is just going on for him.
I'm processing everything and talking myself off the ledge. Reminding myself that I'm better off, etc. I don't really have any desire to call him and tell him I'm thinking of him. This is really mean, but he doesn't deserve my love and support on this. He's supposedly never gotten support of any kind from his W, so he can go through this alone too. I would have been there for him.
I knew as this week was going to be rough. My son is on vacation with his girlfriend's family. My daughter is going to be gone tonight and tomorrow night. My best friend is tied up with all the wedding plans for this weekend and my other good friend is out of town.
I know it's going to be OK - just need some EAS friends these next several days :)
Bodhi

Bodhi,
You're going to be ok. this is normal. It's just going to take you some time to shift your habit of wanting to "be there for him" to "being there for yourself". Your head already knows that he wouldn't have been there for you, and, as you said, you're better off without him.
And as far as you being an ittsy bit jealous that his life seems more full than yours, just be confident that now that your out of this A your attention is turning back to your own life and you will have the focus and energy to create for yourself the life you want and deserve.
I hope that you'll find a positive and supportive outlet for your freetime over the next few days. It's very important to stay busy.
Wishing you a very floaty day,
Dee
Hey Bodhi...
Hang in there! Your stalking xMM is kinda creeping me out. What is he trying to learn from all these drive bys? Is he trying to see if there is another man? Sheesh. It's always frustrating when I think about all the times my xAP used to tell me I was being possessive when he was leaving to go be with his W. Yet when the tables turn and a guy is around they turn into such monsters.
Try and not beat yourself up for your thoughts and feelings. As long as you aren't acting on them, it's all part of the process of getting over this. I am really struggling with my feelings as well. I so wanted to make a friendship work so I didn't have to go through the withdrawl. I thought as long as I had him "there" that I could work on moving on. Sounds a lot like training wheels but I can't help it. What is this addiction thing? And why can't it happen with someone I can keep? lol I would have loved to have felt these things for one of the single guys I met.
Anyway, I don't have that many people to hang out with anymore either. My closest friend is married with three young kids, I don't see her to often. I have sort of lost touch with the others I used to hang with. So I am trying to rebuild that part of my life but it's not as easy as it used to be. I guess having hobbies and things that really take focus would be good to work on now. The less you think about this, the better you will be.
Try and have a good day, book a massage or go to a movie... do something or plan something to look forward to. :)
bodhi,
Ive read so many of your posts when you offer such wise words to others. You are very strong and wise and its ok to have a weak moment now and then, its only normal.
I love the "need some air in my water wings" title. That just really describes how we have all felt from time to time. Rest assured that EAS will fill em up for you so you can keep treading away.
You have the right perspective and you should be proud of yourself for that. You cannot seek that air that you need from XMM, its only going to be provided by the rest stop located on the side of the road to Tweenerville. There is no taxi service provded on this journey, only a repair shop and rest stop so you can gather the strength you need to make it the whole way.
Ive traveled that road myself now for close to 90 days and I can tell you that the sky is getting brighter. I look behind me and see the storm that I left behind and am thankful to no longer be under those clouds.
You are strong and noone will ever take that from you. We have our low moments but as New Season so wisely says, these are growth spurts. They are there to show us we are making progress.
Chin up, my dear sister......you are traveling in the right direction, not spinning your wheels!!
Hugs to you,
GMLB
Dear Bodhi,
Yep, looking to see if his car was there was a no-no. It set off emotional alarms because you remembered where he was going. What happens in a month from now when that car isn't there and you no longer have inside info about his whereabouts? It will hit your insecurity button and all kinds of wild thoughts will run through your mind. You need to break this
~Iddy~
<<>>
Thank you Dee. That part is especially hard for me. I have always correlated taking care of others with taking care of myself. The waves are calming a little. :)
Bodhi
Wising -
His stalking is creepy, yes. Our theory is that he is a controlling, toxic, ego-centric, self-entitled man. Yes, he does think there is someone else - he has always gone "there" when I've pulled back. And I have been accused of many things - none of which are true.
You hang in there too. Our stories seem very similar.
Bodhi
Thank you GMLB :)
I can't wait to get to the rest stop. You all are getting me there. It's definitely growth spurt week for me! You're right, at least I'm off the fence and finally traveling in the right direction.
Bodhi
I know, BAD Bodhi. I've already slapped myself on the wrist. I've thought of that many times - the day when I won't have a clue what might be going on in his life.
<<<>>
I definitely look toward my kids to fill me up. But I feel like I've actually isolated myself from adults because of Mr. Report Everything Back to Me A-Hole that I need to try to reach out more. Even with my two good girlfriends - I was always worried about everything.
I love that you fixed your own house - I have more power tools than most men - even a chain saw. I thought my elderly neighbors were going to have heart attacks when they saw me trimming trees for the first time. I've done all those things over the years too - there is not one room in my house that looks like it did when my H left. And I've done it all myself. I even demolished a cabinet in my bathroom that always bugged me. I read a lot too. I cart around my fiction book and whatever self-help book I'm turning to at the time.
Getting rid of clothes is a great idea. I have not done that one. And there are SO many things that "I looked great in". That was actually part of my reasoning for getting a new dress for the wedding this weekend - the one I had and was going to wear had yucky, yucky memories. Cleaning the closet for charity!
I've never had a problem staying busy - I just get sad because I want someone to do all the things I do with me. On the right track for that now though. Still breathing and treading water :)
Bodhi
Bodhi,
What I was getting at, (and hard to do with 100 interruptions at work), is that you need to embrace your "me" time now. This "me" time is what's going to help you heal. I know you are lonely and want to be able to do things with someone special, but that's not in the cards right now. Right now is about you and getting your mind/body/soul/and emotions in a better place. This can only be done in our alone time. Other people absorb
~Iddy~
Dee hit the nail on the head with this: It's just going to take you some time to shift your habit of wanting to "be there for him" to "being there for yourself."
Wow. That is so true. That was so hard for me. As ironic as it is- I was so selfless when it came to xap, while it was selfish to even be involved with him. Ick. Anyway, I just wanted to chime in and say keep working on putting you first. Keep practicing all of your self protection techniques... they will pay off in the end.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/