The first paragraph in your post resonated with me as soon as I read it, and among other things, I, too, have an intensely faithful husband. And that made my year long A with a co-worker during 2009 even worse. I won't go into any details as you'll find those in my past posts if you wanted to.
Anyway, I believe there's a couple of things you need to do. First thing is to read, read and read some more on this board. Read other's stories, and I guarantee that you will get a feel for the incredible and destructive pain that could be ahead of you if you let the feelings you are developing for your boss continue. Read about how others have faced Ddays, how other's H's have let them when they've found out about the A's, but especially read about the constant tears, depression, anxiety, confusion, and pain, pain, and pain when trying to end and get over an A - and A's ALWAYS end sometime! But unfortunately, there's that 'fog' that keeps us in this awfully destructive thing. I, too, have been in that 'fog' so I know exactly what it feels like. There can be the most amazing 'highs' there that are akin to a strong drug, highs that make you forget about all else in your life. Highs that make you think that everything will be ok, and things just feel sooo good so won't not keep going? Highs that make you walk on air, make you work oh so hard and make you look forward so much to seeing AP the next time. But as things progress, those highs combine with incredible and painful lows...lows that only seem to be able to be relieved by the next 'fix' from AP. And often that 'fix' isn't what you hoped for, which makes you begin questioning yourself - what's wrong with me? what can I do to make him happy? what have I done? Then we may go against our own self integrity and ethics, and say anything and everything to get back that 'high'.
<> The second, and most important thing I think you need to do, is to not, under any circumstances, worry about what or how your boss is thinking right now. It doesn't matter. He will deal with his own feelings and issues as I'm sure he is able. DO NOT worry about 'how to act in the office'. Just ACT professionally and normally, and MOST IMPORTANTLY you need to QUIT that 'flirtateous banter'!!! It will only set things up to lead down a path that you never ever want to go down, believe me. So many A's in workplaces begin with this stuff. Read "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - it will give you an insight as to why so many A's happen with people we work with. Anyway, what I'm trying to say, is you need to deal with your feelings, and your feelings only. Your boss is not in the picture right now, figuratively speaking. If you continue worrying about what 'he is thinking' then you will begin making emotional decisions that may be based on his feelings too (which could be that he wants to continue what has already happened).
sjts, get out now. Please....cut these feelings off completely. Tell yourself over and over what you have at home - a wonderful H that doesn't deserve what you are doing, and a wonderful family that don't deserve the destruction that could result if you let things continue. And believe me, you don't want this to progress any further - the pain, loss of self esteem and integrity, and even worse, the permanent damage you could do to your professional situation is sooooo not worth those fleeting 'highs'. They're not. No way. Not now. Not ever.
Go home and kiss and hold your H. Remind yourself of the wonderful things you have, including what sounds like a great job. Don't blow it. Deal with these emotions now before they get out of control. Forget about what 'he' is thinking. Tell your boss that what has happened will never, ever happen again. You regret it. And from now on there will only be a completely professional relationship between the two of you.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thank you to both of you. I really appreciate your replies. I did delete te text of my post in fear that someone might find it. I intend to do everything both of you suggested and mostly feel that I just needed to hear from someone else that I behaved in a stupid stupid manner and that absolutely nothing good can ever come of the situation.
I will continue to come here and remind myself of the consequences and work on making sure that this NEVER happens again!
They always say that hindsight is 20/20. And they also say that people have to learn for themselves... But, you came here looking for advice, so that's what we will give you. If you can take anything from the pain experienced by the enders, it's that you need to block these thoughts from your mind now before it goes any further. If I could do it all over again, I'd have distanced myself from xap the moment I started developing stronger feelings for him. I've been able to do this in the past with other men, but there was something about xap that drew me in. That will never happen again. I hope you can learn from us. Nothing good will come of this. There will be months and months of pain and the sporadic highs are not worth it- even though they may seem like it now. There's so much pain during the A and so much at the end. Please, take a step back now.
Okay, I hoped that I would ever come back here, that, in understanding what a hugely stupid thing I did, that I would be able to move forward from this and ignore the situation until it went away.
Nothing else has happened physically, however, I'm still stuck with these weird feelings every time we have a conversation... I find myself wondering what he's thinking, if he's thinking about it, etc... I also, to be perfectly honest, find myself wondering about what he's doing now that the weekend is here. This is our first weekend back with our families since the incident. I'm keeping myself really busy with family and friends, and avoiding work email like the plague! I also keep thinking that I hope he doesn't think I'm the kind of person who does this kind of thing. I don't know if that's because I don't want it to affect his professional opinion of me, or just his opinion... I keep telling myself it's the former.
I honestly know that I will never let it cross the line again, and I'm sorry if my questions are frustrating for those of you on the board, but since I've honestly never experienced this before, I really am looking for blunt advice and answers.
Hey sjst~
The first paragraph in your post resonated with me as soon as I read it, and among other things, I, too, have an intensely faithful husband. And that made my year long A with a co-worker during 2009 even worse. I won't go into any details as you'll find those in my past posts if you wanted to.
Anyway, I believe there's a couple of things you need to do. First thing is to read, read and read some more on this board. Read other's stories, and I guarantee that you will get a feel for the incredible and destructive pain that could be ahead of you if you let the feelings you are developing for your boss continue. Read about how others have faced Ddays, how other's H's have let them when they've found out about the A's, but especially read about the constant tears, depression, anxiety, confusion, and pain, pain, and pain when trying to end and get over an A - and A's ALWAYS end sometime! But unfortunately, there's that 'fog' that keeps us in this awfully destructive thing. I, too, have been in that 'fog' so I know exactly what it feels like. There can be the most amazing 'highs' there that are akin to a strong drug, highs that make you forget about all else in your life. Highs that make you think that everything will be ok, and things just feel sooo good so won't not keep going? Highs that make you walk on air, make you work oh so hard and make you look forward so much to seeing AP the next time. But as things progress, those highs combine with incredible and painful lows...lows that only seem to be able to be relieved by the next 'fix' from AP. And often that 'fix' isn't what you hoped for, which makes you begin questioning yourself - what's wrong with me? what can I do to make him happy? what have I done? Then we may go against our own self integrity and ethics, and say anything and everything to get back that 'high'.
<>
The second, and most important thing I think you need to do, is to not, under any circumstances, worry about what or how your boss is thinking right now. It doesn't matter. He will deal with his own feelings and issues as I'm sure he is able. DO NOT worry about 'how to act in the office'. Just ACT professionally and normally, and MOST IMPORTANTLY you need to QUIT that 'flirtateous banter'!!! It will only set things up to lead down a path that you never ever want to go down, believe me. So many A's in workplaces begin with this stuff. Read "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - it will give you an insight as to why so many A's happen with people we work with. Anyway, what I'm trying to say, is you need to deal with your feelings, and your feelings only. Your boss is not in the picture right now, figuratively speaking. If you continue worrying about what 'he is thinking' then you will begin making emotional decisions that may be based on his feelings too (which could be that he wants to continue what has already happened).
sjts, get out now. Please....cut these feelings off completely. Tell yourself over and over what you have at home - a wonderful H that doesn't deserve what you are doing, and a wonderful family that don't deserve the destruction that could result if you let things continue. And believe me, you don't want this to progress any further - the pain, loss of self esteem and integrity, and even worse, the permanent damage you could do to your professional situation is sooooo not worth those fleeting 'highs'. They're not. No way. Not now. Not ever.
Go home and kiss and hold your H. Remind yourself of the wonderful things you have, including what sounds like a great job. Don't blow it. Deal with these emotions now before they get out of control. Forget about what 'he' is thinking. Tell your boss that what has happened will never, ever happen again. You regret it. And from now on there will only be a completely professional relationship between the two of you.
Will be thinking of you sjts~
Be Strong xx
Hi Sjts,
Welcome to EAS. There are several posters that have had an A with their boss or someone they work with/for.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thank you to both of you. I really appreciate your replies. I did delete te text of my post in fear that someone might find it. I intend to do everything both of you suggested and mostly feel that I just needed to hear from someone else that I behaved in a stupid stupid manner and that absolutely nothing good can ever come of the situation.
I will continue to come here and remind myself of the consequences and work on making sure that this NEVER happens again!
Thanks again I truly mean it!
Hi sjts1234,
Your message is no longer posted, but I get the gist of it from yours and other responses.
Hi SJ-
They always say that hindsight is 20/20. And they also say that people have to learn for themselves... But, you came here looking for advice, so that's what we will give you. If you can take anything from the pain experienced by the enders, it's that you need to block these thoughts from your mind now before it goes any further. If I could do it all over again, I'd have distanced myself from xap the moment I started developing stronger feelings for him. I've been able to do this in the past with other men, but there was something about xap that drew me in. That will never happen again. I hope you can learn from us. Nothing good will come of this. There will be months and months of pain and the sporadic highs are not worth it- even though they may seem like it now. There's so much pain during the A and so much at the end. Please, take a step back now.
NC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Okay, I hoped that I would ever come back here, that, in understanding what a hugely stupid thing I did, that I would be able to move forward from this and ignore the situation until it went away.
Nothing else has happened physically, however, I'm still stuck with these weird feelings every time we have a conversation... I find myself wondering what he's thinking, if he's thinking about it, etc... I also, to be perfectly honest, find myself wondering about what he's doing now that the weekend is here. This is our first weekend back with our families since the incident. I'm keeping myself really busy with family and friends, and avoiding work email like the plague! I also keep thinking that I hope he doesn't think I'm the kind of person who does this kind of thing. I don't know if that's because I don't want it to affect his professional opinion of me, or just his opinion... I keep telling myself it's the former.
I honestly know that I will never let it cross the line again, and I'm sorry if my questions are frustrating for those of you on the board, but since I've honestly never experienced this before, I really am looking for blunt advice and answers.
Thanks for your help!
SJ,
I once was where you are - if only I knew then what I know now.