In need of some hugs . . .
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In need of some hugs . . .
| Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:38pm |
Right out of the blue, it hit me. PMS. The fact that I pillaged my kids' Easter baskets yesterday should have tipped me off it was coming. I was feeling on top of the world all day. Somewhere shortly after I put my kids in bed, I sat down and just started to cry. I didn't even have a particular reason. Don't you hate that??? And of course, stupid OMM picked today of all days to send me a stupid text message along the lines of the 2 years we spent together was like a wonderful dream come true. I have absolutely no doubt that missing him and feeling guilty about hurting him is factored into this crying binge I'm on. I didn't respond to his text but WHY when I'm feeling so awesome and so over this A does he have to throw me off course? Does he have a radar? How did he know that in my hormonal state I so didn't need to hear from him? And just a few short hours ago I was thinking I dreamed the whole A! Bah! You were so right, Crystal, I do need to really keep my guard up.
I feel like a fat, pathetic, ugly slob sitting here in sweat pants with a crumpled up ratty tissue up my sleeve, its a miserable, rainy night, and I have an incredible desire to eat malted chocolate eggs and search for sad song lyrics on the net until the wee hours. Somebody stop me - I have a 9:00 a.m. meeting and I dont want to show up late with swollen eyes and an outbreak of chocolate-induced acne. Thanks all!


When I finally started to see through the manipulation of that, it stopped working. Focus on that. You are strong and beautiful and loving. You're a mom and a loving woman. You deserve better than someone pulling your strings like that! So you had a little chocolate. sometimes that's just the ticket. Dry those tears and lift your chin and be proud of yourself!!
You stay on the good track and don't let him knock you off. He doesn't deserve you!!
Anyway what I'm getting at is he has intentions of asking me to meet him for lunch today and I have absolutely no desire to do so. I really need to run home and let my dogs out anyways yet.... and there is a yet.... a sick twisted part of me feels like "Hehehe oh my goodness if I don't meet him today I will surely lose him." I really do want to lose him so why do we even toy with the concept.
And BTW your post was very entertaining to read, ratty tissue and all. I hope you are feeling better this morning. Do not let him get the best of you and let your guard down.
elf.
I hope you are feeling better today....and you are at your 9 am meeting WITHOUT the acne. Hey, most of us here, I'm sure have btdt--with the hormonal surges, purging of chocolate in the house (including that belongs to our children), etc. No matter how strong you feel....your guard must always be up, because you are so susceptible at weak moments such as this. And, if you should falter during these times....it only helps us to grow stronger later on (trust me....). At some point we are able to work ourselves out of this...but it takes time. We invested so much time into these fantasy relationships and developing the "illusion" that they were meaningful and fulfilling...but in reality, we were using others to attempt to stop our pain, instead of creating our own happiness.
Many people do this, we are not unique....we just made the mistake of believing that someone else could create our happiness for us. As soon as we lift that illusion and begin to deal more with reality, the better grip you get. However, sometimes dealing with reality is....hard and depressing. All the baggage you DON'T want to deal with is STILL there--in fact, it never went away, but the affair just covered it up and made it palatable. I think many people choose to live an illusionary life....whether they hide through mind altering substances, affairs, or other ineffective coping mechanisms. Some people spend their ENTIRE life like that...and always end up wondering why they are so unhappy.
Then there are those who decide NOT to live in that state and deal with their stuff--and eventually, they experience true happiness. But it takes some time to get there. Give yourself some time....you've got a LOT of stuff going on and a lot of grief in your life--and a lot of stuff the affair covered up. It will take time...but you know that your OM cannot give to you what you don't have, or what you may already have!!!
Big hugs
dharma
Anyway, I wanted to let you all know that after I posted last night, I went outside, smoked a cigarette, drank a cup of tea (my cure-all for whatever ails me!) and went to bed. It just felt good to get it out there. And even though its raining here AGAIN today, I woke up feeling back to normal.
I didn't respond to his text message, don't plan to. Thanks you all SO MUCH for the support! Love and hugs back at ya! Maureen
Oh, and dharmagurl, you rule. :) There are so many pearls of wisdom in your post, things I really needed to be reminded of. Thanks!