Need some sense talked into me, PLEASE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010
Need some sense talked into me, PLEASE!
8
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 10:07am

So I had another dream of him last night. Luckily, my brain stayed away from the horror movie section this time. So once again, I wake up thinking about him.

I found myself reverting back to old thinking. Telling myself that my affair was different because I he was my first love. It is different because over the last 17 years, neither of us ever stopped thinking about each other. It is different because I know he would have broken up with any of his girlfriends to have the chance to be with me. He told me this. Though neither of us would break up our marriage for the other. That was NEVER in the equation. Unfortunately, our timing was always off and we never had the chance to be together. So even though we had this affair, I don't think either of us really got the chance to know the other....even though it was mostly an emotional affair.

The above thinking is totally warped, I know this. Please, smack some sense into me today! I would love a giant slap across the face from anyone who has been through a similar situation! I feel like I need closure on this relationship with him. However, I don't think there ever will be the closure I seek. Unfortunately, I feel it's the same for him....but I have to be the strong one, because I know he cannot be.

I am feeling the urge to write him. I am not going to, but my goodness....I need to sit on my hands today I think! Today is 3 weeks. Actually, at 3 weeks after quitting smoking (I quit that cold turkey too), I started getting some pretty major cravings. Then they subsided and now at 3.5 months quit, I am craving them again. Is the affair addiction similar? Like, even if you are a year or two out, will you still "crave" the feelings still? I know with the cigs, it's mostly the feelings of the smoking and not the physical addiction. Is it similar with this situation? If I can relate it to my quitting smoking, I may be able to put it into perspective more.

Off to do some more reading!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 1:57pm

IJM,


Just so you know, the 3rd week is always a killer for us recovering addicts. I'm not quite sure why that is, but I read this all of the time on here. It takes 3 weeks to break a habit but that by no means signifies that we still don't have residual cravings, just like you do with cigarettes. I would suggest to write out everything you want to say to him by hand, read it a couple of times, and then destroy it. Getting it out of your system

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 2:52pm
The three week mark is terribly hard. I couldn't get past it the first time I tried to end it, but I'm going to get past it this week!!! Hang in there. Believe. :)
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 3:12pm

Hi IJM!


I just posted a few days back about the whole smoking and quitting thing... not sure if it is insightful, but that is exactly how I relate my A. It is under Iddy's post bout "Its been a little quiet around here lately". Check it out :) I feel for you, stay strong and huge Hugs...you are not alone...PROMISE!!!!


Healing...(with you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 9:46pm

I wish I could tell you something good except I do understand how you feel. I am married 27 years and have been having an A with a co-worker also M! I recently left my H and he is supposed to be leaving his W this summer. (getting his ducks in a row) We have had our ups and downs and we really do love each other so much!! We do happen to know each other very well and the relationship has been all over the page. We both have a whole lot of stressors which have seem to taken over our relationship but it hasn't killed us yet!!


I can't give up on him and I because I love him more than anything! I know he feels the same but we have stepped back a little to not hurt each other when stress causes us to not see eye to eye.


Bottom line is I don't think we will ever let go of each other! We have had great times and some bad times and the funny thing is letting go of my husband was a cake walk compared to the idea of losing my Babe!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 10:00pm

EA,


I find your post very distasteful and inappropriate for this board. Please do not post here again unless you are ending or HAVE ended your A.


Thank you,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 11:25am

Ditto- can we delete that? It's totally inappropriate. Reeks of fog.


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2009
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 3:08pm

Hello just me!


Well, I'm not gonna give you a slap in the face, but from what I got from your post, I HAVE been in the same situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2010
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 4:12pm

Once again. Thank you all. Especially mwjbto....that is EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

I am also glad to know that the 3 week and the 3 month markers are similar to quitting other things. I will help me keep it in perspective a bit more for sure.

This whole process is much more difficult than I expected.