Need to stop wanting him!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Need to stop wanting him!!
3
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:36pm
Hi there I am still fairly new here. People don't seem to read my topics anyways. I am 22 and have been in an affair for almost 2 months now. My mm is not being as fun as he used to be though. He seems to not be ablt to get out of his house like he used to. I want to see him a lot, especially when my h and I are fighting. I really just need another friend to talk to one that isn't married too. It really sucks I don't even know why I started messing around with him to begin with. I always knew that he was married. I guess it was like the forbidden fruit. But I still want it cause it's not just mine. How do you stop wanting to call or see you mm. I think I want him a lot more than he wants me
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:49pm
You need to want it to end yourself.

Fantasy, meet reality.

Sounds to me like you're somewhere in between recognizing that (most affairs, maybe not yours) fantasy clashes w/ reality sometimes, and not wanting to admit it.

Questions-

1) Why isn't the mm as "fun" as he used to be?

2) 2 mos isn't really THAT long, is it? How long have you been married?

3) Other than the A, what do you see as being wrong (if anything) w/ your marriage?

4) Ask yourself (BECAUSE HERE IS WHERE PART OF THE ANSWER IS!) Ask yourself, as you said, "I don't even know why I started messing around with him to begin with.." Well... WHY did you? Think, kiddo! Think! First, the easy to answer reasons... then, the deep down ones.

I'll put down a challenge to you. Try not speaking, emailing, calling, writing, smoke-signaling, or telegraphing with him for the next 7 days. You can do it. Regardless of whether y'all pick back up & keep fooling around, don't you think it would do a little good in sorting your head out?

Keep posting, ivmamma. Look around here. Read. Lots of motivation in the form of busted up lives to break this thing off...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 6:15pm
Thank for your reply riveryguy2

I know that an affair is not really something to want a relationship from. I have been married almost 3 years. Not happily though. I basically got married because I was pregnant. My husband and I have nothing in common. As far as my mm, at first it was like a big crush. I got the butterflies when I saw him and talked on the phone with him. The first kiss..... ahhh.....I just melted. I don't like it all as much because I want HIM not just to see him when we are sneaking around. I feel so dumb for getting my emotions involved, I knew that he was married I feel so dumb. He probably knows how needy I am cause he does know that my marriage isn't going the best. He'll tell me that he isn't planning on staying married to his wife. But probably just tells me that cause he knows that is what I want to hear. If you want to talk I would love it thanks anyways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 6:28pm
Think about things, and slow down. Hey. You don't know me, and that's just anonymous advice from some internet guy... but think about it.

You're going pretty fast. 2 months isn't that long, right? So, things in the marriage aren't good, but you have a (son?) and he loves you. Think about the little guy.

Butterflies are natural. On the one hand, I'm surprised that this stuff isn't more common. ON the other, it is way more common than it should be. You & H had SOMETHING in common 3 yrs ago. How have things changed? Go deep. I'd even think about individual counseling (do you have a healthplan that allows that w/ a co-pay?), & then marriage counseling. I've been in (individual) for a few months now and am really diggin' it. It is worth the $$, though expensive.

"it's only life after all!"

Try to focus on the long term, not just the short term. And that means thinking about everyone... You're playing with fire. The roots of your affair sound like they are in your marriage. You've said yourself the mm isn't as fun as he used to be. Already changing in two months... (!!)

Hey. You're young. You've had to grow up a lot faster than most people. No one can deny that. just the same though, the stakes are high...

Good luck & keep posting. It will come together.