Need strength

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Need strength
14
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 1:55am

The universe directed me to EAS because prior to that i thought that having an A was a reward i gave myself for working so hard (I have always been the main income earner at home, taking next to no time off to have children, whilst raising a family and running a household). My H is a good man and a phenomenal father, i was just the higher achiever in the R, and recognised earlier on that i would be the one capable to set the family up financially. Until the A i felt that all my waking hours were devoted to everyone but me, so this is how i justified my behaviour.

Pre EAS, i also knew that:

- A's destroy families and affect children's lives (I was one of those children i'm still dealing with the effects my father's affairs had on myself)

- If i was discovered my M will change forever, with a very high chance of my H divorcing me

Post EAS, i now know:

- that we were two broken people trying to fill a void

- there were never any happy moments whilst i was in the A, i never truly felt happy because i always felt guilty and anxious

- that the only positive thing that came out of the A were the feel good moments, which were always short lived

- that EMM and i are both lying, deceiving and selfish individuals

- that his W and my H are nice people and have done nothing to deserve any of this

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 2:59am
Vanessa big hugs to you:) You do have the strength
to keep moving forward, remember that your strength comes within you. Xap may not be ready to give up but if you are then the weaknesses he thinks he knows will not match the strengths you have to live your life in a healthy way for you and your family. You
can do it Vanessa, it is hard work but so worth it and everyone is here for you to help you along the way:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 8:21am

Hi Vanessa,

I haven't posted much either lately for very much the same reason as you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 9:45am

Vanessa-

The initial strength and drive we have at the beginning is largely due to the fact that we just.want.it.to.be.over. KWIM? If you've ever run a 10K, it's like the rush of adrenaline at the beginning of the race. You are pumped and ready to go - you're even feeling great by mile 2 - but if you aren't pacing yourself, by about mile 4 you are ready to throw in the towel and walk. But you don't - you push yourself and you tell yourself "I can do this"

It's good to be informed - I've learned SO much by being here. But knowledge only helps so much. It's what you DO with the knowledge that counts - putting it into practice. I'll use the running analogy again - I can read until my eyes bleed about breathing and training, but unless I get my butt out on the street and train, I'll never make it.

Of course xap knows your weaknesses. It's up to you to build up those particular muscles. You said at the end of your post you "need to become your strong self again"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2011
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 1:11pm

First off, big hugs to you for taking that big step to end the madness and chaos that was the A. I can tell that your resolve is strong, as you're points are spot on.

Through this journey, we will have "peaks and valleys", some more so than the other. But it is in these times that we remind ourselves that we are worth so much than that. When the withdrawls and self talking overtake you, just come here to EAS and let it all flow out. The wonderful people here offer the kind of support that will get you through those dark moments. They are the hands that reach out to you when you've stumbled on this pathway of recovery, and they're the strong hands that help us back up in any time of need.

Keep your head up Vanessa and continue moving forward. You're doing great, simply because you've made that great decision to take back your life, your control, yourself. You can do this, and we're all here cheering you on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 1:18pm

Great analogy, Bodhi.

Vanessa,

Our strength comes from within and as it is said, "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." Please do not let guilt and fear stand in your way of building up the resolve you already have nested inside of you. Use the time away from XAP to tap into this reservoir of strength, so if or when you "may" see him again, he will not even recognize the woman he once knew.

It's time to start believing in yourself. You have come this far and as more time passes you will know what it is you have to do if perchance you were to ever run into him. Why worry about something that may never happen anyway? Please don't waste another day in your A-free life dwelling on what ifs and maybes. It such a waste of precious energy

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 3:01am
Hey Vanessa,
You have gotten some great words of strength from these ladies and I just wanted to send some strong healing vibes your way tonight too!

"the encounter i had with EMM on Christmas Eve sapped me of any power that i have within. "

I don't buy that for a minute...not even if it was printed in pure gold! Vanessa you have been a strong and supportive member of this communty and I know that you have so much power inside of you. I posted this on another thread the other day...but think it might be useful for you to read. It is a great thread by our lovely vet Dee.
http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Married-OW-or-OM-Issues/Ending-the-A-almost-ended-my-M/td-p/108022756/jump-to/first-unread-message

V...You ARE your strong self already....just a little shot down because of the recent encounter with XAP.

I hope you had a good restful weekend....please let us know how you are doing.
peace&light
Foggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 2:21pm

Vanessa, hun, I think what you are feeling now if common at this point in ending. You are getting ready to make that final, no-turning-back-now leap across the gulley, leaving the A behind forever. You just haven't convinced yourself that you can make that jump

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 2:39pm
Vanessa,

I just want to send you ((hugs)). Most of what you wrote, I am feeling right now and could have written myself. I am TERRIFIED of running into xAp, because we do cross paths from time to time. I live in a small town so we have run into each other at the store or a restaurant. Thankfully, I haven't seen him since I ended the A. I am still in a vunerable place right now, I am 2 weeks NC, so I worry about my resolve if I do see him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 9:38am

V888 -

I'm sorry I'm so late in responding.

I could have almost written your post word for word, only along with my A - my ex-H also had multiple A's, and at the end - there was no Dday, simply an agreement that we were both done hurting each other, our kids and others.

You ask "why don't i feel like i have the same strength and drive that i did when i first went NC?"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 9:52am

Hello Vanessa,

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

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