Need strength please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2012
Need strength please
10
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 11:43pm

Where do I begin? My story sounds oh so similar which makes me feel all the more foolish that I fell hard and fast for all the lies. But he's not solely to blame..I was a willing particpant as well. And I'm ready to get off of this chaotic ride. 

It all started 2 months ago..we met at work, and we just "clicked." We had the friendly banter back and forth..then the next thing you know, I'm confessing my feelings for him and he reciprocates. Before I know it, we're in an EA..then just last wk, it turned into a full blown PA. All in 2 months time. I'm sitting here so guilt ridden, torn and broken. I hate the fact that I allowed myself to fall for every word he said. For every line he fed me. I hate that. I hate that I settled for crumbs as we're both married with familes of our own. I hate that I went down this dark path and now I'm fighting my way through the darkness, trying to get out. 

We're two broken people who stroked each others egos. Filled the voids in our lives with toxic gunk. Still wanting more. Still hurting people in the midst of our selfishness. I don't know how to end it..in person or via email? I work with him. that's even worse. See him everyday. Stupid mistake. 

I don't know how to go about it..i'm so lost in my thinking now..emotions are at a all time high with crying spells due to the guilt..I can't think straight. But I know I want out. I can't settle for crumbs. I can't stand the person staring back at me in the mirror. I don't even recognize them anymore. The reality of it all is that it wasn't a reality at all. Just lies. And that hurts. I know the pain will get worse before it gets better but i need to end this. Now. 

please help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2012
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 12:48am
Hugs and strength to you

All I can say is If I could turn back time and walk heck no run at the 2 month mark I would

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 4:47am

Big strength to you newday, you can do it and you can look at yourself in the mirror with integrity and pride again. You are in the right place, keep posting and keep your resolve, there are many posters here with LC experience who can help you through the difficult early stages

Well done and congratlations on getting out

 

Coco x x x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 7:29am
Wow Newday, you are already strong to recognize the falsneness of an A while still in the early days. Kudso to you on having that clarity and ending it. It is hard, but there is a lot of support here and you can do it. Think of it as a one-way street, uphill at first, and rocky at the bottom, but with a lot of hands behind you to help you forward.
Hugs to you, and I'm glad you're here.
Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 7:50am
Hi new. As others said, it's hard and horrible to end ... but truly the right thing to do. Do you have a plan for ending? Most agree the sooner and cleaner, the better. No drawn out farewells and debates. Then when it's done, it's done. We need to heal without the confusion of it all tapping us on the shoulder.

Keep posting!

Gypsy.
Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 9:28am

Hi, Newday! Welcome. You are making an excellent decision here. I remember the guilt in the beginning. It's crushing and it's not good thing when it goes away because that's the point at which we start losing our souls, losing ourselves, putting ourselves last. This is the time to get out. I also love that you see that you were a part of this too. A clear head will get you all the way home in this.

Ending. Okay, my advice is to keep it short. He isn't owed a lot of explanation. You both know cheating isn't the high point of anyone's life. I'd say one sentence about not continuing on with the a and one sentence for how you'll deal with each other in the future: "I'm done with this and I won't see you socially any more. I won't respond to anything from you that's not about work." Brace yourself for rebuttal arguments. Don't respond to any of them. Be true to your word. It'll help improve the appearance of the person in the mirror. Don't respond to anything that's not work related.

You already know that everything he has to say will all be designed to keep you hooked and entice you back into bed. There is nothing you can say to convince him you're not that susceptible to him. Only your actions will prove that. Everyone who goes back loses a little of their soul, IMO, and gives a great big ego stroke to the ap. Lose-lose because it reinforces ap's belief that they're all that and they're not. No one is so great that even their crumbs are worthwhile.

Last piece of advice: send your note and then come here. I recommend email and not the phone. Definitely not in person. Everyone here will be able to hold your hand, virtually speaking, and help you through any immediate reaction he may have, any unexpected doubt you may have. Because you can't block him by email, you may spy some of his response to you. You'll want to be on the board if any of that rolls in.

It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life. Big hugs!

Worthmore
Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 9:41am
Another thought. I know I can't block anyone by email at work but I can set up a rule to send out an automatic response. If you have an assistant, set up an automatic response to thank him for his note and to ask him to redirect his work-related email to your assistant. If you don't have an assistant, you could still block in the same way and send him an automatic response to say you will respond to his work-related query as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience. He'll just fill up his own inbox if he tries to bombard you with emails and that will get boring fast. It will also reduce the instant gratification for both of you. Put his emails in their own folder (you can set up a rule for that too) and you can deal with them in your own time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 9:50am

Welcome to EAS.  I like your name, btw.  I hear that you want out and your sound really sincere and determined, that's great.  It's really great that you've come to this point so early in your A because the feelings of guilt and disgust you're feeling are really strong motivators to get out -- and, imo, those of us who pushed through that first stage of repulsion in the A and continued found that that it became easier to push down those feelings and find myriad ways to justify and manipulate our emotions in order to keep the A going. I know I did.  After my first PA contact, I wanted to bolt - I was sooooo freaked out, but I didn't, and GOD how I regret I didn't listen to my inner voice.  Keeping on with the A means learning how to self-lie, self-doubt and how to do extreme feats of emotional and mental gymnastics so that we can keep on going down the dark hole.  This is a skill that I'm so glad you're not going to perfect.  You've saved yourself so much agony!  Kudos to you!  I mean, you're in so much pain already - imagine compounding that by a 1,000 if you are ever tempted to go back to the A.

You asked for advice on how to end the A, whether by phone or email.  Please think about that carefully.  If you do it by phone you leave yourself vulnerable to getting into a discussion with X.  In your fragile state, having a discussion can be very dangerous.  Even if he doesn't talk you back into a full blown A, it could lead to you mulling over the conversation ad nausem, thereby setting you back and making you inappropriately focus your energy on stupid relationship issues and his process instead of on the healing you need for yourself.  There is really no closure in an A, and that is a hard pill to swallow, one that so many enders struggle with.  An email is appropriately one-sided.  It's a fair way to end the A.  All that needs to be said comes from you, nothing he has to say makes a difference, so why entertain it?  An email that says, "it's over.  I can't do this anymore on any level.  I will not have any further personal contact with you.  Please do not contact me." is clear, to the point, and ends the discussion.  After that email, please don't waste your time fretting over his response, waiting for that email.... just block and walk. 

Since you're in a Limited Contact situation because of work, you're going to have to be 10x stronger and more determined to set your boundaries.  There is a lot on the board re: LC and how to cope; you're going to need to be prepared for all the stress that is going to come your way, so please read, read, read - and follow in the footsteps of those who have come before you and navigated LC with success.  There is no reason to reinvent the wheel - the blueprint for success has already been established.  You're not alone in this, and you CAN do it.  It won't be easy, but it's a h#ll of a lot easier than the road you were on.

I'm really glad you're here and I am looking forward to witnessing your journey to wellness.  Hugs, Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2012
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 9:57am
Thank you all so very much for your encouragment and support. Im ready to take my life back. I can't live this half life anymore. My family deserves better. I deserve better. I will be visiting the healing library as well as the LC will be difficult but doable. Thank you so very much again. I sincerely appreciate you all!

Hugs,
Newday
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 10:56am
Hi Newday! Good for you for getting out early.
Looking forward to getting to know you better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2012
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 12:32pm
Just a bit of background on me...lurked here before as I had an EA but cut ties before it turned into the mess I'm currently in. That was 2 yrs. Ago. I swore then I wouldn't go down the path. Yet sadly, here I am again. This time I feel like I'm suffocating..I need to escape..and I will. I will do this. Time to really see life as it always was. Time to take back control.