Need strength

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Need strength
14
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 1:55am

The universe directed me to EAS because prior to that i thought that having an A was a reward i gave myself for working so hard (I have always been the main income earner at home, taking next to no time off to have children, whilst raising a family and running a household). My H is a good man and a phenomenal father, i was just the higher achiever in the R, and recognised earlier on that i would be the one capable to set the family up financially. Until the A i felt that all my waking hours were devoted to everyone but me, so this is how i justified my behaviour.

Pre EAS, i also knew that:

- A's destroy families and affect children's lives (I was one of those children i'm still dealing with the effects my father's affairs had on myself)

- If i was discovered my M will change forever, with a very high chance of my H divorcing me

Post EAS, i now know:

- that we were two broken people trying to fill a void

- there were never any happy moments whilst i was in the A, i never truly felt happy because i always felt guilty and anxious

- that the only positive thing that came out of the A were the feel good moments, which were always short lived

- that EMM and i are both lying, deceiving and selfish individuals

- that his W and my H are nice people and have done nothing to deserve any of this

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2011
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 1:51pm
What you are going through are very normal emotions in the ending process of your A. Yes it is very easy to slide back into the dirty and destructive A muck, but is it worth it ? Do you remember the complete despair, self loathing and guilt you feel after every frigging moment with XMM?

Ending is very hard and initially excruciatingly painful, but the alternative is so much worse. It is a dead end path to the gates of hell and you have the power to take a detour and claim your dignity back. We all made the big mistake and destructive choice to get involved in an A, but knowing what we do now and still choose to fall back into it would be evil and none of us here are evil people. So stay strong and remain NC - each day you will be glad that you did.

Sending you vibes of strength:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 6:45am

(((((Jen, WIWWM, Bodhi, WakingUp, Iddy, Foggy, Always, Livin, Lolly, MC, KHA))))

With so many of you here dealing with serious health issues, ddays, ill family members, loss of family members, divorces, and complete life changes, it is incredible how selfless you are to come to my aid with such a minute obstacle by comparison.

Thank you so much for your valuable time and support, you have touched me, encouraged me, and most importantly strengthened me. I really needed that like you wouldn't believe, i felt weak, insecure and fearful. You are just incredible and i thank you from the depth of my heart. My prayer for an abundance of good health, peace, love and happiness to you all.

V888

xxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 6:58am

(((Vanessa)))

I am so shamefully late in chiming in here. I am so sorry.

You are still new to this ending, sweetie. Feeling weak, insecure and fearful

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 7:34am
You're so gorgeous Always, you did come to my aid on the 10th, you always look out for me and i appreciate it immensely.

V888
xxxxx

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