Need Support, Going to start NC today

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Need Support, Going to start NC today
2
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:39am

Hi everyone,

Technically I told MM it was over when he did not go to his scheduled divorce hearing and I haven't seen him since two weeks ago tomorrow. But I go a few days and then we text or email each other or talk on the phone. Its further complicated because the reason he didn't go to the hearing was that he is very sick. So I never got that - I'm never getting divorced - closure. It's so open ended that I can't get a foothold in no contact. Does this all make any sense? When I woke up this morning I thought to myself that I really should just start no contact and ignore him 100%. It hurts to ignore him and it hurts to not ignore him. Its not even about me saying I'm not going to see him as my BF anymore - I've already backed off since I am not sure what the real deal is with his family (ie. if she thinks they are working it out and maybe not getting divorced, I want to respect that). Its more of a mental thing now. I Just Want The Pain To Stop. I feel like I am carrying around a 25 pound weight called PAIN. As I was typing this, I just got an email from him.

Please give me your support to not respond. Tell me it will get better.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 10:43am

Ivy,

IT WILL GET BETTER but probably not before it gets a little worse.

I had ended it in my mind and was in a lot of pain (crying and carrying on etc) but not until I really, really put an end to it did the pain get worse. I really was a mess after telling him it's completely over. I was tearful or crying for two solid weeks with periods of real deep aching for him. I just wanted to talk to him so badly (but knew it wouldn't solve anything and I didn't). And this was after months of not talking that much to start with... I think I just really knew it was over for me and I was dealing with that... it wasn't like he and I had talked 10 times on the phone each day leading up to it.

Mostly xMM thoughts triggered my crying but I found I was crying about anything and everything as well. No focus, work was hard since I had no energy or motivation to do anything (I was actually expected to work during this period).

Then ALL OF A SUDDEN it lifted slighly and I could function again (although nothing had happened... I was still in LC since I work with him and it was still GAME OVER). In other words, the pain subsided but time was the only solution. I am now at 3 weeks of LC and I don't have the deep, aching desire to call him. I still miss him but it's not intense and I haven't cried in days.

You can do this!!

Remember you've already told him why. He knows why you aren't writing/responding back. No more explaining is necessary. He knows what he has to do if he wants you. The only difference is that you're FORCING HIM OFF THE FENCE.

Do it!! You will feel better, I promise.

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 10:52am

Ivy,

It will never get better as long as you are able to receive emails and text messages from him. You need to block and/or delete him from your computer and phone. Every time his name flashes in front of you, your heart will skip a beat with hope and excitement, only to get words that are meaningless and the same old, same old. Nothing is going to change until YOU DO.

Does the pain get better? I have to be honest and say, "No, not right away." What gets better is knowing you are no longer emerging yourself into a world of lies and deception. Distance brings perception. Perception brings forth the truth. The truth surrounds you, but you cannot see it as long as his presence permeates the air through your thoughts and energy. Everytime you think of him, write it in a journal. Keep track. By the end of the day, you will see you have wasted hours day-dreaming over something that isn't real, and most likely never will be. A few weeks from now you will be amazed at how FEW times you will be writing in that journal. You have to ween yourself from this addiction and there is NO better time than RIGHT NOW.

Repeat after me: "I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN HIS CRUMBS!!" and then, "LET GO, LET GOD." (or to whomever your highter being is.)

Start loving yourself,

Sunny
Sunny