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Need support for Monday
| Fri, 10-30-2009 - 5:11pm |
September 26th was Dday. He wife found out.
We are co-workers who have been involved for over 2yrs.
I will tell my story on my next post, but the long and short of it is that its not much different than what everyone else has said has happened to them.
And while my heart was broken beyond belief , I have found a great deal of solace reading the posts here...thank you so much.
Well back to my situation. After dday he took two weeks off work, supposedly to be with his dying father, but I later found out it was two weeks vac to be with his wife. He then came back to work off and on while visiting his father.The few days he was at work

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Hi butterbee,
I only have a few mins. on today to post. I will be thinking about you and praying for you on Monday. I know there are several people on here in LC situations that will hopefully chime in before Monday to give you some pointers.
One thing that I remember from Iddy is that the one that reacts the least has the most power. It will be hard but it is possible. It's time to take back your power.
Please post back and let us know how things go on Monday.
Much love and big, big hugs,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Dear BB - I'm so sorry for your pain. I work with my xAP too. He's my boss. Most of the time it's a hellish nightmare. Then on a rare day, here and there
BB12,
There is so much I would like to say to you but first, I am glad that you have been reading the posts here for strength and knowledge. Be sure to read the Healing Library at the bottom of the main page and find the threads on D-Days, and "How to maintain LC at the workplace", if you haven't already.
Because there was a D-Day, your situation will be different than most Enders who have worked with their XMM's, me included. His wife never found out about us. I am most certain that had she discovered the A, I probably wouldn't be working there right now. She would have insisted that I take a hike. . If your Xmm is not your boss or higher up than you, chances are your job is safe. If his wife wanted you fired, it would have happened by now, but she probably also realizes that by creating waves, her H could lose his job too.
Try to understand that he has suffered several loses here; his father, the trust of his wife, and you/the A. It is adamant that you stay out of his drama no matter how badly you may want to know what's going on. He has a lot on his plate right now, and he'll be in damage control mode for quite a while, not to mention his own grieving that he'll have to manage.
This has to be about you now. To save yourself and your job, you must be ready to protect yourself at all costs. Limit all conversations to business only and if you have your own office, keep the door shut so you won't see him walking by. Delete any emails he sends or save them in a hidden folder for your own protection, but DO NOT respond to any of them. If need be, you will be able to show your supervisor that he is the one doing the pursuing. OTOH, he may be very cold and distant to you; it all depends on where his head is at when he returns. Do not let your ego get in the way if he does act stoic toward you. He has much healing to do too and he is not trusting his judgment right now.
This is the time to show not only some dignity, , but to also feel some humility for the pain the two of you have caused his wife. She is the innocent party here and your awareness of this is mandatory. You need to see her as a real person whose world has been turned upside down. Perhaps reading the Betrayed Spouses Board will give you some insight into the devastation she is experiencing. Once we can honestly admit to ourselves that we crossed a forbidden line, is when we can start forgiving ourselves and the XAP. As they say, "You play, you pay." As harsh as that sounds, its very applicable to affairs.
I am 5 years out of my A now and still work with Xmm. It's just the two of us in the office on most days but I never wavered from my resolve to put the A behind me. He had more difficulty in letting go than I did, perhaps because he always thought I would give in again. Not this time. I did not like the person I had turned into and something had to change. I learned the hard way that it was ME who had to do the changing; in thoughts, actions, emotions, etc. It does not matter what they want or think anymore because now it is about you and your survival after such an emotional upheaval. He cannot make you feel better. He cannot solve your problems or diminish your pain. Only you can do this through distance and time.
Let us know how your week goes and don't be afraid to bring any questions or concerns to this board as we have seen/heard/read it all. You are among people now who understand what you are going through.
(((Hugs)))
Iddy
Iddy
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I read your post and I know exactly the emotional pain that you are going through and I just want to let you know that you are not alone and that you can pull through this and kick XMM to the curb where he belongs:) I too had an A with someone I work with (my boss !) and I still work with him. Our PA ended 6 months ago and it is still an emotional struggle because I have to see him and work with him one on one every day and at first I didn't think I could make it, but I can tell you that if you make up your mind to end it and NEVER waver in that decision and decide to hold on to that resolve even if your life depended on it - it will get easier and you will emotionally detach sooner than you think :) It will be excruciatingly difficult and painful in the beginning I have to warn you, but if you set up a plan of guidelines as to what you should do everyday to be professional at work and stick to those guidelines, do it one day at a time and view each day as a day to "win over him" - the pain will start to dull down and you will start to gain control of the situation. However your feelings for him may take longer to resolve and after six months I am still struggling with that, but I am no longer crying or pining for him or having those strong urge to email him. In fact I am at the stage where even though I "miss" him, I have no desire to contact him or see him. Working with XMM is the mother of all pits - and believe me they always come back fishing and sometimes very aggressive about it. At first dealing with their fishing is very hard, especially if he is your boss like mine, but if you stand your ground and not give in to it for the first couple of times, then even that gets easier to resist after that. So stay strong and come here and post when you are feeling weak. ((((HUGS))) Gullable.
I thought I was ready for Monday and I am so not ready for this!!
Its only 9:30 am and I am physically exhausted from the emotions rolling through me.
He is here. He went straight into his office with out a word or look at me.
I want to talk to him so badly but I know its not the right thing to do and will only prolong the pain and make it worse.
I fluctuate between wanting him to come talk to me and wanting to tell him what an a** I think he is...neither of which will help the situation.
He is not my boss (thank god) but a co worker. Unfortunately, our company does
Ok its lunch time and I am physically ill.
This is so much harder than I thought it would be.....
Hi sweetie, welcome to eas,
I'm sorry you have to go through this. My number one piece of advice is Keep Your Head Held High. This JAM jerked you around for so long, he's the one who should be hiding right now. Nice job on pilfering the Cialis, lol ;-) I empathize with the pain, you certainly don't deserve to be in pain any longer.
I know you are dreading his return - be VERY firm with him that you will no longer tolerate any personal contact. Professional ONLY. Be prepared for some lame
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