need support - in over my head
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| Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:53pm |
Well, most everyone knows my story by now. I had an A for 9 months. We fell in love and it was great. We planned out everything on how life would be and how we would leave our spouses. Things started getting bad for us at the end bc he was working so much and extremely swamped. (my h works with him so I know)I wasn't getting what I wanted from him so I tried to break it off several times and finally the third time he let me go. I was devastated and emotional basketcase for a long time after that. Two weeks after we break up I found out his wife is pregnant with number 4. I knew they were having sex sometime bc we would always talk about how we were with our spouses and we just had to deal with it. (sick, huh) I talked to his wife and she told me it was a mistake and they were not happy about it. She was taking antibiotics during her pill and it must have cancelled out the pill. She didn't even realize she was preg. until she went to the doctor on another matter. I couldn't believe it - Iwas so mad bc he was begging me not to get preg. with my h.
Well, four months later I called to tell him to quit asking my h to get us all together and told him to leave me alone and my h and I wanted nothing to do with him. He called back a couple hours later and pleaded with me to hear him out. I did. I should not have. He carried on about how he loves me and thinks about me everyday. Well, needless to say he has been calling me alot everyday and pouring it out. He said he is not letting me go and that I am stiuck with him and he won't mess things up again with us. He is so devastated that his wife is expecting and he does not want to be there. He kinda had a feeling she might wind up preg bc he found her pills and some were still in the slots. She told me last year before the A that she wanted more kids but her H did not at all. He is so upset that she would not take her pills like she was suppose to. He loves me and wants me. He has been so upset and still thinks that we could be together someday. My feelings have not changed for him but the situation has and to be honest I can't handle his 4 kids and mine too. I think the situation is impossible. Its so crazy! I would be an idiot to leave my M to be with someone who has four kids and a crazy ex-wife. I am in a no win R and the only thing we can do is say goodbye but I haven't found the strength to say good bye yet. Its so hard. Please show me the light and talk some sense into me bc I know what has to be done but just can't do it yet. I love him too.

MH:
I have done NC over and over again and it gets easier every time. I am on only day 7 after 4 m NC (ONLY 4 DAYS OF C)
I am back to it because it is the right thing to do--there is no hope for the situation--it is the same as it was--no change
You and I have the comfort to know that our xMM do still love us and miss us
That has to be enough
This time we talked until Fri and started NC on Sat because we never used to be able to talk on the weekend anyway it was easier that way
It was a mutual decision based on *him* not planning any action *now* only *someday* remember I already got the D
Boy am I proud of myself for not having IC with him and standing strong for what is right
I am here for you--you can do it
Survive
I am in the same situation as Survive. My xMM and I still love each other. I got the D, he has not. He still doesn't know what he wants after 2 yrs of this A. I had finally decided that since he is still undecided that I need to move on. We have done NC several times in the past, but this time I know that it is for good. Now I haven't been very good at it, it has only been 3 weeks and we have had alot of contact but it has been only over IM. We don't see each other any more except for at work. I guess I am taking baby steps, but since I made the decision this time to end things, I feel stronger. I didn't feel like the rejected one for once. I think that makes the pain a little bit easier, being the one who ends things. He knows now the only way we can be together, the only way he can have me, it to get a D. I will accept nothing less.
You did say that you don't see yourself with this man and his four kids. That to me says you don't want this R. You just have to remember that every time you feel weak. That you know in your heart that even though you love him, that you don't really want to be with him. Take baby steps if you have to. Do something to move forward with your life though. I think it's sad that he is professing his love to you while his W is pregnant. Would you want to be in her shoes? Although it sounds like she manipulated the situation.
Is he making any move to leave his M? If not, then you know what you need to do or you will be stuck in the cycle, this same merry go around forever.
we are here for you. big hugs.
Hiya Merehud,
If you truly cared about this man, you wouldn't be helping him hurt his wife, his children and his unborn child.
If this were about love, you'd want him to be the best he could be rather than encouraging him to be the worst of which he is capable.
If he didn't want more children with his wife, he'd have taken steps to ensure none were conceived either in the form of contraception or in refraining from intercourse.
If you looked past the ego-strokes and focused on looking hard at the gaping disparity between what this man is *saying* ("I want you! I love you!") whilst his *actions* (staying with his wife & creating more children) tell you quite the opposite, you'd have an easier time acting on whatever decision you make.
If you do not respect yourself enough to mark clear boundaries and enforce them, well, why should he respect you enough to observe them?
If you gave a moment of real consideration to anyone else apart from yourself (like his pregnant wife or his children or your husband or your children), it might be easier to make a decision and actually stick with it.
No one can do this for you, Merehud. No one can be strong for you. No one can step up to the plate for you. It's your mess and only you can clean it up. No one else can make it all right or take the pain away, you simply have to grit your teeth, keep your back to MM and start walking.
Reach down deep and you'll find the strength to do the task lays right there next to the want-to.
Strength & peace,
Posie
Dear Unhappy Sad:
I wanted to hear more about your story since you and I have similar situations in that we both got divorced and our xMM did not. Also, you said that its been two years. For me its been almost two years since xMM opened his big mouth and said that he had fallen in love with me and my life went into the twilight zone, although the A part only lasted 8 m from that day, and the after the affair is going on 16 m. Anyway, maybe we can help each other move on together. I am actually dating a NG.
Survive
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This was what opened my eyes to 20/20 vision. Although it wasn't about him leaving his W in my case (because niether of us wanted that), it was about other things in which he took no action to correct, even knowing that I would walk away if he didn't do something about it. Got a little sick of hearing 'I love you', when his failure to take action told me otherwise. I believe he thought I wanted him in my life so much, that I'd be willing to cope with whatever I had to just to still be with him. He was sadly mistaken.
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This is the crutial part of gaining back some self-respect. I had layed out the boundaries a few weeks ago, I said the four of us can still do stuff on occassion (the four of us have been friends, so complete and permanent NC isn't possible), but that him and I cannot do anything privately. He called last week to see me, I said no. I was able to say no that easily because the opportunity presented itself very recently for him to partly correct the problem that led to the break-up, and AGAIN, he did nothing about it. It's so easy to say no, when your own needs aren't being met. I told him, how can you expect me to WANT to give you what you need, when you aren't giving me what I need?! He had a sort of spiteful reaction to me saying "no" to his invitation to see him. So I told him "I don't expect for you to like my decision or to agree with it, but if you love me like you say you do, you will respect my decision without punishing me for it"
I had never felt so strong as when I told him that. I'm on complete NC for the time being, because I realized I'm lashing out and being sarcastic at him in general conversation, proving to me that I still care way too much and also that I have alot of work to do on myself yet.