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| Fri, 01-28-2011 - 3:18pm |
I am married with a toddler and I have been having an affair with my boss, who is also married with two small children. We started as friends and we have been having an affair for five years. Recently, we finally had sex, before that it was everything but.
In any case, we hang out on weekends with our families, etc. It's very involved. We never discussed leaving our spouses and w never really discussed feelings or issues either. Last week I asked him why he didn't kiss me more,well I guess that freaked him out and basically said he wanted to end things. Which after a week of talking and talking and trying to figure out what to do, who to be friends without all the other stuff.
Now he wants us to just be friends and give us a week a two without all the physical stuff to cloud our judgment. Of course, I should be happy but I am not. I am terrified that its the end. That we will never have

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HC,
First of all, I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now.
Hello Hardly Coping,
I think your AP has given you an out.
To be honest with everyone, I have always wanted to end it, but for some reason kept going back for more. In some ways, I wish I was the one who had made the cut, and also I am angry with myself for losing my cool in front of him, and giving him some sort of sick satisfaction. He told me today why do I always have to define everything and want answers. Why can't we just be friends and enjoy eachother. I said but you understand we can never cross that line again, do you understand that? He said why do you have to put everythign in a box. I know he is not able to just cut it off and says we need cool things and talk about what our boundries are and what makes us both happy. Really? CUT IT OFF. He is trying to keep the door open.
I need support to end it because its toxic. It has destroyed myself confidence and turned me into someone I don't like. I look back at the past 5 years and its seems like a miserable haze.
The work situation is going to be the most diffcult one. I hate him actually. i hate him for starting this whole thing, i hate him for ending it and I hate myself for falling into it.
I am depressed.
I was where you are right now ... families intertwined, colleagues and almost all our friends mutual.
Where am I now? Divorcing and almost 10 months NC. I ended it (almost a year after my separation began - with nothing left to lose) to spite his continuing fishing attempts and pleading otherwise. The good old friend speech made me want to vomit.
Had to leave my job to try and stop the madness, take losses with the friends department, and i am now coping with the unbelievable financial strain of two household on the same income.
People talk - sure they do. We were inseparable. Families hung out, exchanged gifts with spouses ... it was as bad and shameful as it could get. It took all my strength to find the will & belief that I was a human being who deserved to be alive after all the hurt I had caused. It sickens me like you wouldn't believe. I have nightmares about the hurt I have caused.
You break the cycle by making choices. MAKING CHOICES and getting real. YOU choose your family over your addiction. YOU get yourself into therapy and stop worrying about appearances and start planning how you are going to disentangle your lives. I don't know what else to say ... other than take a look at everything around you ... your kids, your home, your pictures, your furniture and imagine it all set on fire. That's what we risk when we have affairs. It is your decision now how much and how many will get burned.
TU.
((((Hardly)))))
Welcome.
I want to hear advice on how to be strong. How to stop the cycle. How to just break the habit.
Some things that stand out from your post:
1. YOU need to make a decision to end it - YES, Independent from ap. Im concerned for you and your family that if he comes back with charming words...You're going to go running back. Right now you sound thwarted, yet in Limbo. Do you like the idea of ap pulling your strings like a puppet? The answer will be in YOUR actions.
2. You, like ME, sound very wrapped up in YOUR ego. The Pain you describe is that of an Ego assault.(Rejection)
I should be the one who tells him, you know, you need me more than I need you.
I look at myself in the mirror and I can't imagine why someone so pretty, that has men fawning all over her, is so desperate for this jerks affection
3. It sounds like youre wrestling with control issues:
I told him today that I might not be able to do it and I might not be here when you are ready to come back
I should be the one who tells him
*YOU CAN take control here. 100% of it for yourself...and BE the one WHO DOES END IT. End it NOW and DONT BE THERE, if and when he comes back with ANYTHING. Just takes a decision and THE HARDEST, FIRMEST COMMITTMENT TO THAT DECISION that you've EVER made.
4.YOU cannot be FRIENDS with this person
he wants us to just be friends
5. What I hear from these statements:
Recently, we finally had sex
Last week I asked him why he didn't kiss me more,well I guess that freaked him out and basically said he wanted to end things
Now he wants us to just be friends
Please know, I say this NOT to be cruel, but it sounds to me, as if he enjoyed the attention of the EA (emotional affair) for a very long time, and that once things became physical, maybe he second guessed it. Maybe the guilt of the Physical aspect got the better of him?? Maybe your comment about kissing, caused him to feel "in over his head" HOWEVER....that's ALL Im going to speak of "what could be inside his head" ok? and HERES WHY:
Affairs involve a lot of CROSSED BOUNDARIES. Whos issue is whos...who's thinking what.....who feels this or that. It sounds like you've been so used to the boundaries being blurred - that youre having a little hard time distinguishing who's responsible for what. Well, YOURE IN GOOD COMPANY...I think WE ALL LAND HERE all jacked up in the boundary department. LET all thoughts of Him what he's thinking, feeling, saying, doing... GO...
SO BACK TO THIS: I want to hear advice on how to be strong. How to stop the cycle. How to just break the habit.
1. IMPLEMENT A CRASH COURSE IN BOUNDARIES and ONLY be responsible for 4 things:
a. What YOU feel
b. What YOU think
c. What YOU do
d. What YOU say
2. COMMIT TO NO CONTACT!
I have issues with ego, control, and self-confidence. It has not been easy to be involved in this mess that I put myself in. I know my question scared him, after 4 years of everything but, the last 2 months of having sex, was too much. I have to be honset that when we talk to eachother about this whole thing we talk about trying to save our friendship. He focuses on that and I have been thinking that the friendship and affair went hand in hand. He was in charge and he is still trying to be in charge.
I have to be strong enough to not show any emotions on Monday. To be calm and cool and do something else for lunch. I can not have lunch with this man everyday and listen to him talk as if nothing is going on.
I hate him for starting this and I hate myself even more for feeding his
Welcome HC,
I will begin by saying that I am so sorry that you are going through this pain, and i remember it so vividly.
I also wanted to assure you that you are in the right place, and pray that you will stay here with us, and allow us to help you and save you from the destruction that As bring into lives.
I know you are very raw right now, and consumed with your XAP ending the A, but have you thought about how being discovered would impact your child and spouse? Well they will be shattered, and affected, and the life you know and have right now would change within a matter of moments, then there will be the trickle effect of the discovery, where friends, relatives and colleagues will now define you through this behaviour, all for the sake of a 'jerk's affection'. Is it really worth it HC?
I know all this because i was were you were not that long ago (Nov 2010), the incredible people on this board cleared the thick fog for me, and i will be forever indebted to them.
The work situation is the worst part of this whole thing. I see him walk pass my office and i want to throw something at him. Or when I hear him flirt with other girls in the office. Jerk. Jealousy consumes me. The whole situation is just toxic and i cant not quit my job. I have to be strong and laugh and be happy, pretend at least. And what scares me is that he will crawl back. For years, he would pursue me and kept pushing taking our relationship to the next level. i kept telling him that once we have sex there is no going back, it is going to complicate things. But I am at fault as well.
I dont want to hurt my husband and my child. They are wonderful beautiful and it would destroy them. I should actually count my blessings that he ended it. I would have never been able to do it.
Limited contact will be tricky. He told me lets just be friends and professional for a few weeks and see what hppens and talk again. Talk about boundries, etc. I did tell him i can't do this. I can't be friends with you. I hate you. But then I said ok, lets start over next week.
I don't want to go through what i went through this last few days. it was extremely painful. I do not want to ever give him the satisfaction of knowing he has hurt me. I think he is a control freak and this is his way of getting control of the situation again.
I don't want to be a part of it. I want to be able to say no. it's over.
Its good you could name your issues. :) For us ego types..that's TOUGH. :)
YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT, HC...NO FRIENDSHIP AFTER YOU CROSSED THAT LINE. NONE WHATSOEVER.
Now...He probably was in charge:
Hi HC
Welcome. I remember what you are feeling right now. My XMM is my boss and i wrapped my world around him for 3 years. I spent hours on the phone with him everyday. He was my only friend for most of that time. BIG MISTAKE. I was so lost when he broke it off. I was really
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