Need Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2011
Need Support
41
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 3:18pm

I am married with a toddler and I have been having an affair with my boss, who is also married with two small children. We started as friends and we have been having an affair for five years. Recently, we finally had sex, before that it was everything but.

In any case, we hang out on weekends with our families, etc. It's very involved. We never discussed leaving our spouses and w never really discussed feelings or issues either. Last week I asked him why he didn't kiss me more,well I guess that freaked him out and basically said he wanted to end things. Which after a week of talking and talking and trying to figure out what to do, who to be friends without all the other stuff.

Now he wants us to just be friends and give us a week a two without all the physical stuff to cloud our judgment. Of course, I should be happy but I am not. I am terrified that its the end. That we will never have

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2009
Sat, 01-29-2011 - 9:40am

Good morning HC

This sentence resonated with me. "men generally don't approach me".

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 01-29-2011 - 11:45am
Hi HC,

I am not sure if you have seen the LC tips in the healing library, you should read through them to give yourself reinforcement for during the work week. Bring your focus back to you and your family, they and you are who matters not xap. Being back in T will be a good step in working on the issues you brought up, you are worth it HC and I know the pain and confusion of the A is hurting you but take this ending and move forward to a place of healing for you and your family. Work at shifting your thoughts away from xap, don't give him any room in your head, it's hard work but very doable if the determination is there to leave the destruction of the A behind. Be kind to yourself HC this weekend and enjoy that you have given yourself your freedom back:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2011
Sat, 01-29-2011 - 1:52pm

I am spending the weekend trying to built myself backup to walk in the office Monday morning and not show an ounce of emotion on my face. i don't even want to be around him. The thing I struggle with the most is that he really does not want to end the friendship nor does he understand why it might be difficult for me. I agree with everyone here that it was wrong to begin with and thank god its over. I read Dday stories and I would never want to put my family or his in that situation over something so selfish and meaningless.

I should find my self-worth elsewhere. From my friends and family and my job, etc.

I think that his "cooling it off" period and this whole wait and see crap is so he always has a way in. I told him what is it, its easy, yes or no, its no going back. He said why do you have to always box it in, its not black or white. NO, it is. We can't sit here and say we need to cool it off because of guilt and the fact that is wrong, then decide its ok again.

I will post here on a daily basis. I do not want to be his toy that he can toss aside without any regard.

Thank you everyone for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sat, 01-29-2011 - 2:03pm
"The thing I struggle with the most is that he really does not want to end the friendship nor does he understand why it might be difficult for me"

I will tell you something HC, from the bottom of my heart and with everything I know to be true - IT DOESN'T MATTER.

It doesn't matter if he thinks you are a loser, cold hearted crazy woman who just can't seem to get over it all to be his friend. I don't care what he thinks, what he feels, what he says or does.

ONLY your actions matter. ONLY you know your own truth.

YOU can do this ... you are NOT doing this alone. You have each one of us walking in behind you Monday morning, and every other morning there on after.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2011
Sat, 01-29-2011 - 2:15pm

That is true. I don't think I ever actually thought about expressing myself to him through the years. Only recently since I started seeing a therapist I started to be more open and he could not handlie it. He told me we have to find another way to be intimate without having sex. Or whatever bs which I don't care for.

I should just roll my eyes at how pathetic he is. My anger does not steam from the end of the A, it steams from lack of communication between us and well these things always end badly.

I just want to get over it. I have to tell everyone a story, when I went back to work from maternity leave, I would dodge him. He was always after me, grabing me, touching me every chance he got. I was so annoyed all the time. I was not brave enough to say I am over it, I dont want this anymore. He was always askign me to find a business trip to go off together and I told him don't you know once you do that you can't go back?

I am emotionally immature but I have had a lot more relationships than him. He married his hs sweetheart at 19, etc. He wanted to experience another woman I guess.

I was reading the I won't miss posts and it cracked me up. I won't miss the anxiety of if he is in the mood or not or do I look good or not which he never would say a word to me anyway. Instead he would flirt with the young girl that works for me even though he knew it really bothered me.

What a jerk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Sat, 01-29-2011 - 2:21pm
Listen, he really is not worth it. No, you are not his toy either.
The joke will be on HIM when the new you walks into work on Monday morning.

We are here for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Sat, 01-29-2011 - 5:32pm

HC...thank you for sharing and for posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 8:19am

HC,

You are doing a beautiful job of "talking" it all out here. Your posts are great. You are asking the right questions, sharing the emotions we have ALL felt, getting great advice and responding positively to it all. I believe you are going to make it!!

This will be a huge, mighty struggle as you begin to detox and then start the hard work of digging into your issues. Somewhere in the Healing Library is a timeline of ending and it pretty accurately describes each week and the emotions you are likely to be feeling each week. Perhaps if you know what to expect, you can better prepare yourself to remain committed to this ending.

I like your idea of coming here and posting every day. That's what I did in the beginning and it helped me tremendously. Once I was able to get over the raw pain (which can only be accomplished with a little bit of time and NC/LC), then I was able to turn the focus inward on myself. I began T and discovered a whole lot of things about my self-worth, self-esteem and other areas in which I struggle. The transformation in 3.5 months has been incredible. I cannot express how great I am feeling these days. Oh, I still have my fair share of a meltdown or two, but overall, the decision to end my A, endure the pain of the ending, look inward and get professional help, has been one of the best decisions of my life.

Welcome to EAS. We will all be here for you as you start this journey.

~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2011
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 1:41pm

Hi HC,

Welcome to EAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2011
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 10:36am

GM! Happy Monday! First of all, I would like to take a moment and thank all of you for your support and words of wisdom, I can't begin to express how helpful this group has been for me and will continue to be.

I came to work nervous but not sad. I am happy that its over because the whole A was destroying my worth, my frienships, and if I had been caught my family. As I mentioned before the full on sexual part of the A had started a few months ago and it was killing me and my AP and our relationship/frienship.

I thought a lot about why I was so pissed off last week. Getting dumped, rejection, losing my fix, bruised ego

, embarressment of having to face my boss day in and day out. But in the big picture, those are really things I can cope with, and try to learn from. I am not in my 20s anymore and this is not a joke.

So NC or LC will not work in my situation. I had coffee with him and it was ok. And I also had a small chat just to clear the air.

I told him this: It's over and I am glad it is. Thank god we didn't get caught. I was upset last week because I thought we were equals in the A and all of the sudden you made the choice and it was done. But its ok, because I have too much to lose and so do you. I don't hate you and I am tired of being miserable. We will take it day by day and be professional and try to maintain our friendship because of our families. Its over.

Am I being naive to think I can handle this? Or that its over? Maybe, but I promised myself, I will NEVER give him the power to make me feel good or bad. That I will never cry over him again. I will never do that to myself again. My issues will not destroy my family, a H that loves me, and a son who needs me to be there and a good role model for him. I am sure my boss will continue to flirt with me, which I don't really care anymore, and if he approaches me again I will think about last week and how i was on the verge of a breakdown and I hope that I am strong enough to walk away.

You know what helps me, I keep telling myself, he needs me more than I need him. I have fun with my H, we are best friends, we have good sex, etc. My xap and his reasons for getting into this? I don't really care anymore! I need him for making me feel good about myself? Maybe when it started but then I started to feel like a hooker! So I wasnt' doing it for sex I was doing it to be close to someone or feel intimacy or something that I wil figure out. He was doing it for sex.

I hope I stay this strong all day. By the way, its the first time in a month that I have not cried in the morning. It feels good to have my mascara in place. And you know, I look pretty damn good.