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| Fri, 01-28-2011 - 3:18pm |
I am married with a toddler and I have been having an affair with my boss, who is also married with two small children. We started as friends and we have been having an affair for five years. Recently, we finally had sex, before that it was everything but.
In any case, we hang out on weekends with our families, etc. It's very involved. We never discussed leaving our spouses and w never really discussed feelings or issues either. Last week I asked him why he didn't kiss me more,well I guess that freaked him out and basically said he wanted to end things. Which after a week of talking and talking and trying to figure out what to do, who to be friends without all the other stuff.
Now he wants us to just be friends and give us a week a two without all the physical stuff to cloud our judgment. Of course, I should be happy but I am not. I am terrified that its the end. That we will never have

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It would be in your best interest to cut off going out for coffee and nix the chit chat. At least for the first few weeks. You have to put some distance between you regardless of how strong you think you are feeling. Truthfully, you are just fooling yourself. The first time he starts talking about his W, his kids, their vacation, how well he is doing, blah, blah, blah, you are going to feel your blood start to boil. Think I'm Kidding? I've work for my Xmm for 21 years.....4.5 year A that's been over for 6 years. There are still some days I wish he would take a slow boat to china on a one way ticket.
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Yep. You are feeling okay at the moment become you got your "coffee" fix. This is just a prelude to more trouble just around the corner. You need to set boundaries. STRONG ones. No going out to eat, no coffee, no small talk...not for a long while...not until the emotional addiction to this man has been broken.
I know I haven't responded to you until now, but I saw in you someone who hadn't even put her first day in yet to test out the ending waters. I knew you would be posting all of this "bargaining" hoopla and was just sitting back waiting to see what you were going to say. Let me repeat something that has been said to you TONS of times already.:YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS WITH AN XAP."
Pull back, HC, or you're going to fall into the A cesspool by day's end.
And welcome to endings cuz I don't think I said that to you yet. :smileywink:
Iddy, I agree with you, I know I have to slowly pull back, and I will. I didn't wait around for lunch and left and I am ok so far. I know its only the first day, and I feel really good. I hope that I feel this way by end of the day, tomorrow, and so on.
I am in therapy, I was there this morning. My T, like you, was kind of not convinced that its over. Honestly, I need to find the root cause of this. There is a reason I put myself in that situation and I hope to figure it out and grow from it.
I will post when I am weak. I will try to go for a walk when I have a need for a fix from him.
Do you look back on your experience and believe you learned from it? How is he? Does he still try? Or do you avoid him?
Honey, I could write a book on the lessons I've learned. I wouldn't be here as the CL if my head were still trying to figure this all out. It takes a long time to process the damage we did to ourselves by having an A.
How is Xmm now? It's been over for 6 years. We are back to having a professional relationship. I can't avoid him because it's only the two of us in the office...when he's around. Lucky for me he has started another business which keeps him away for most of the day. He has to be good over there because it is run by his W and kids. lol. Otherwise I have no doubt he'd be cheating again with another employee at his new co. if given 1/2 a chance. The only thing he ever admitted to me other than he was sorry, was that he had been very selfish in letting the A go on as long as it did. He didn't want to give up his cake and trust me...this JAM likes to eat. ;-)
((Hugs))
PLEASE..no more coffee, no more chit chat.....please know that you will be off the wagon if that continues. FOLLOW LC rules. Just like NC, only thing that works. We are here for you but you have to stop playing with fire, you will get burned if ya do not stop. No need to talk again AT ALL, unless it is work related. Come on now, you can do this...you just gotta have control over your behaviors.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hello! I have started my second week with LC. It's been difficult but emotionally I am ok and have not had a big melt down. I do think that he is a bit shocked at my behavior. I am so calm and cool. No more tears, no asking questions, nothing. Does it make me sad sometimes? Yes, I would be lying if I said I didn't miss some aspects of the relationship. But I keep telling myself I don't need him to make me feel good. I hope I keep going on.
((HC))
Thanks for keeping us updated on your progress. It will also help you if you check in with us on a weekly basis, or more of course, if something is bothering you. I went back and read this thread again and something you wrote stood out:
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Remember this whenever you are feeling weak, confused, sad, or whatever. YOU have wanted this over and now it can be...for good.
Iddy, Thank you for your positive post. You are totally right. First of all who cares what he thinks, its not about him anymore (it was for 4 years). Secondly, I will keep going and I will be strong. I will no longer be his toy and his emotional support system. And it takes two to tango so I am just focusing on being a better wife and a good mom. The past 4 years have been a fog.
I am glad its over. And I am glad its over without a DD. I am grateful for my family and this wonderful board. Everyone is lovely.
Atta girl! Now you're talking. (((Hugs)))
GM! I have been doing good but today I am sad. I miss him and avoiding him is exhausting. I almost went in his office and shut the door but I went for
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