Need uplifting words to help me heal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Need uplifting words to help me heal
1
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:13pm
My story is quite unique so I have to give a little background, but I will try and make it brief. My H and I were involved with another married couple (friends of ours) for almost 9 months. We were not swingers, more like swappers, but it was more emotional than that. We didn’t plan it to happen, never even talked about it. It just happened one night. Me and the OM started sleeping together right away behind our spouses backs. We would “switch” about 2-3 times per week. By switching I mean me and the OM would spend the night together at one of our homes and H and the OW would be together. The OW wasn’t ok with adding in sex until about a month in, so me and the OM had to keep what we had been doing a secret. When she finally gave in, condoms were to be used by both men. Well I was pregnant and we decided not to use them. Again we were lying to our spouses. This all started in May 03 and things were trucking along all summer and fall. Things were hard; we had ups and downs and hurt feelings and jealousy. We all fell in love with the other person. The OM completed my life in ways my H never could. My H filled a void in the OW’s life that her H couldn’t fulfill. We all had these crazy fantasies that we would all be together forever and live in one big house with all our kids. Unfortunately, things started going downhill. The other married couple had marital problems that stemmed way back, but started resurfacing. He wasn’t a provider, she earned the money, he felt jealous of her relationship with my H, and the list went on and on. So after I had the baby in January, the other couple decided that in order to fix their marriage, they agreed together to remove sex from the equation with us. I was ticked; I mean it was the best sex of my life. But again, we were deceitful and we were still sleeping together. My H and her had stopped. Things just got progressively worse and the relationships ended on Feb 19th. OM decided that NC with me was for the best because he knew it hurt his W when we were still talking and they were supposed to be working on their marriage. I couldn’t leave him alone and kept texting and or calling him. I felt like I still needed closure. I wanted to know that even with everything ending, that he would still love me and always care about me. I am madly in love with him and the thought of him not loving me one day is too much to bear. We had a very intense relationship, much more than just sex. I believed he was my soul mate. But, he loves his family more and he chose them, which I think is what he should have done, but it still hurt. He confessed to his wife about all our lies, sleeping together right away, no condoms, still having sex after it was not ok anymore. She of course called me and told me off, rightfully so. I betrayed my husband and my friend. I did forget to mention that I had confessed to my H most of my secrets, so he was not in shock as she was. At the present time, there is still NC with me and exOM, my H and the OW are still talking and spending “friend” time together as she is so distraught about what she learned about her husband and me lying and betraying her. She is not sure if she wants to stay or go. I am still very heartbroken and my H has no sympathy for me. He says that the OM is a worm and he doesn’t understand how I am sad over him. One thing that is very bad, is that in the back of my mind, I keep hoping that OW leaves her H. Not that I would be in the picture again I am sure, but it’s kind of like, if I can’t have him, then I don’t want her to have him either. I know this is rotten, but those are my feelings.

If you read this much, thank you so much. I have no one I can share this with. My H is the only other who knows what our situation was and he is tired of me talking and crying about the OM. How do I move on and get over him? I cannot imagine never sharing anything with him again, or talking to him or just holding him. My thoughts of him are consuming me. I feel obsessed. I love my H, but what I had with the OM was just so magical. Please, any words of advice? Thank you.

SJ

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:48am
I am the first person to try and give advice when asked but I can't even begin to touch this one. It is so complicated on so many levels. I think some professional counseling might be necessary, no offense.

Jazzdiva