Need to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need to vent
9
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 8:29am

It's been almost 2 years since I ended my realtions with xMM. You would think that I would be well over the relationship, but I still think of him every free moment I have. I still want him to hurt like I hurt. Yes, it still hurts after 2 years it still hurts. To think this man that I loved with all my heart loved another woman (his W). I know that they are still married. He has had his up's and down's, but I'm sure his life is back on track with his W. I'm so afraid his life will be better than mine. I'm not real happy with my life right now. I'm struggling to gain control of my life. I still cry when I think of him. I just want to be normal again. I have control over my feelings. I want the hurt to stop. I know that I have no closure to our relationship, there are questions that will go unanswered. Does anyone know how I can get past all these negative feelings I'm still having?

Secret

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 9:26am

SL

May be worth a read.

Sit with your feelings

The surest way to self-knowledge is through your feelings. They are your guides to knowing how you are doing. Allow your feelings to emerge and broadcast their message. Learning to "sit with your feelings" must become an activity that you embrace rather than fear.
When you experience shame, anxiety, sadness, fear, and self-doubt, your immediate reaction may be to run. Like a hand yanked back from a burning log, your body —with the help of your defenses—will want to yank you away from painful feelings. This will stunt your growth and keep you an emotional child. However, the process of learning to sit with your feelings will help you reach beyond fearful flight, into the self-knowledge that feelings can bring.

This growth came for me by slowing down when feelings pricked at me painfully. Since I was already good at identifying my feelings and their message, I rushed to a solution. If I felt fear, I checked to see what was happening and what I needed to do. In rushing, I missed a lot of deeper self-growth, and remained stuck at a level of life management that, while good, wasn't as rich, liberating, and joyful as I now feel. I gradually changed from getting a quick idea of what was going on, to forming an in-depth and compassionate relationship with my inner guides. It was as different as greeting a friend in the supermarket with a quick "Hello, how ya doin'," to sitting down with him over a cup of coffee and really catching up with each other.

What changed? I allowed myself to be depressed without frantically trying to get over it. I allowed myself to experience loss and sadness. I suffered with confusion and feeling incompetent without defending myself or brushing these feelings off as misdirected intruders. I let the feelings of being a failure and being bad sit with me for a while and tell me what they wanted me to hear. During this period of my life, I became hospitable to all the feelings of my psyche. When I felt like hiding and moping, I resisted the urge to get active and drive those "downers" away. When I was hurt by comments toward my ideas at a meeting, I went home and braved how bad it felt to be criticized. My feelings knew they could come and stay a while and be heard. I learned the meaning of the expression, "There are no bad feelings." Before, I specialized in anger, hurt, and excitement. Now, I have learned to welcome the full orchestra of my feelings.

When I let fear enter my abode and converse with me, I learned about the value of being safe in a relationship, rather than putting myself into heroic and foolhardy situations that always blew up and left me feeling stupid or used. When I allowed depression in for a chat, I learned about my own needs to be approved of and to be successful. When I didn't banish my sadness so quickly, I came to understand the need to ask for help and to rejoice in being cared for. This open and integrated hospitality didn't come all at once or even in a year. It came in fits and starts. I was like a card that opened at a fold; each time I opened a little more easily. Gradually, the crease was more like a hinge. Slowly, I had created a new habit that remains the way I treat my feelings. However, now the process is easier and more natural.

The end result at this point in my life is that I can live with the fact that I am, at times, depressed, and at times, sad and lonely. I am also, at times, angry, hurt, and afraid. But much of the time, I am joyful, fulfilled, and at peace. Like most people I can be a jerk and a prince. I accept my drawbacks as part of the human condition, and I allow my feelings—both the easy and difficult ones—to help me find my way.

This takes time. Be patient, pay attention, and persevere!

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 9:34am

Secret - I can relate to EVERY SINGLE word you wrote! My exMM always said he was "happy" in his M... and now with a new baby in the house and his business on the brink of HUGEness... I just envision him happy... and too busy to think anything different! :( And here I am... STILL unsure what the hell I'm doing! :( it doesn't seem fair.

But honestly I think you didn't move through the phases of "loss" - i'm taking this from the book I'm reading "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" we have to allow ourselves to move through the phases and truly experience them... otherwise we have unfinished business and that phase keeps popping up through the years... needing to be experienced and finished.

Free's advice is REALLY good! I'd also suggest purchasing this book - I'm not very far into it and already I feel a freeing feeling! :)

If nothing else - keep posting about your feelings - that's a good way to work through all this! :)

XOXO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 11:11am

There are so many emotions running through me right now, that I can't even identify them. I'm hurt as deeply as I loved him. I loved this man with all my heart and soul. I have never in my life felt so betrayed. We were in this relationship for 16 years. The last 6 were the worst. Things started to change when he told me he was leaving his W. I never asked him to, he told me he wanted to. That's when all the lies started.....instead of him just saying he changed his mind, and didn't want to leave home, he started lying like crazy. Everything started spinning out of control, and here I sit 2 years after it's all ended, still feeling this pain. Yes, it is not as intense as it was when it firs ended, but it is still here.

I'm so angry at him, for the lies, for not giving me the truth even at the end, he continued to tell me lies. I try to be thankful that he is her problem, but I can't. I loved this man so hard for so many years. He is a part of me. I can't believe that it is over. I miss him so much. I miss him so much.

I keep telling myself that I need to move on. Quit thinking about him. The more I try not to think about him, the more I think of him. It's hard for me to live my life without him, yet I don't want to be with him. I could never really trust him. I don't want to be with him, yet I can't get over him......I'm somewhere stuck in the middle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 12:27pm

Hi SL,

I am not sure how much comfort I can give you, because my A just ended last Tuesday, so it's still VERY fresh for me.

I was so hurt the way xMM ended it, thru a vm, that I cried for days.

I know A's are not normal R's and they don't last and there is NO happy ending to it, but it's just the way xMM ended it. Cruel, heartless, no warning signs, nothing. Then he tells me that he still wants to be my "friend".

I was like you, I gave this xMM my heart and soul and NO it wasn't lust like many people on the board say. Even my H sees it in my eyes, now that he knows about my A. He told me that he sees this wasn't just a "fling" I had with xMM, at least not on my part, but probably for xMM.

I feel your pain and I am afraid I won't be able to move on either because I am still VERY much hung up on xMM.

Your A lasted a VERY long time and I think that is why it's harder to forget and ease the pain.

The way I am trying to deal with the pain and trying to forget xMM is remind myself of all the BAD stuff he did to me. Each time I feel weak, I remember how heartless he was when he ended the A with me thru a vm.

I am not sure if you are a MW or a SW, but if you are single I would try to find ways to keep yourself busy. Try a hobby, take dancing classes, to to singles events, go on a cruise now that it's summertime, etc.

When I was single before getting M, and each time I broke up with a BF, I would right away go out and start dating people, even if I wasn't looking for a steady R, but just to have fun and get my mind off of my ex.

I know how you feel and I can't tell you to just get over it, because when we love someone so dearly, like you did with your xMM, the love can't just fade away.

Stay strong!

{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 1:21pm

Secret:
I am going to take liberty and suggest that you are like me...and don't understand the unfairness when someone who destroys another's life with such selfishness that was soooooooooo unecessary...and just how utterly unfair it is when a good person who is full of heart, soul and concious..suffers so much.

Iver racked my brain because usually in my life there is that karma thing. How can they be happy ..and why am i so destroyed with a life of nothing (not all of it due to the affair) but JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZUS why the inequity? We are taught if we are good and loving and concientious (spell) people..that we get rewarded.

Ive found out late in life ..that is most of the time how it works...but not all of the time. Ive had to let go of that "dammmmit this is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO unfair" feeling. I have to let go that he *may* be happy and always will be...and that I will suffer again probably because of this.

I have to know...in my heart....that they will never quite be able to look at themselves and think what they do is good and right to happy. Sometimes, Secret, they are mentally ill...sociopaths, narcissist...who ...with the tools they use and their coping mechanisms...will never feel bad, or suffer etc. Some days are easier than others to accept this. But ...it helps me to move away and get further down the road to feeling sooooo mad, sad, anxious whatever..but feeling a lil better....knowing that NOT being a sociopath, narcisst etc...will always make me better. My xMM may never *think* he suffers much....but we all know in the end...that no one has the contest scores waiting for us anyway. We tally it up ourselves.

Let go of his tally results. If he lives to be happy or miserable you wont know that answer now. I do like to think someone with less compassion in his next quest will screw things up for him....but it wont be me...because I like to shame people into feeling bad instead of revenge...i like knowing i am true to my own being and who I am

...if its lost on him ..so be it...but I have to live with myself..i guess i respect myself and how i'd come off...more than inflicting ...and i think you are that way too..which is why you harbor this a lil longer ..well hell..16 years is a lonnnng situation...i wouldnt beat yourself up so bad....but i would start practicing focusing on your next goals..even if you are not ready...start priming your mind...for what is next in your life...looking forward helps to not look so far behind...you cant to both at the same time. Start putting more in your "forward" pile lil bit by bit if you must.

I am turning 40 next week...I am single, no kids, no family relationships and I think i just lost connection with my best girlfriend...I am grieving the "time" that coordinates with "hope" that i used to have in my late 20's. My situation bothers me much more because of it. ...because in my 20's it would ..ok.."next!" now i know ..after experiencing life...that things dont always fix up the way we think...jaded..experienced..whatever you want to call it (depends on my mood) but i have to cling onto maturity...that is all i have =). If i start feeling doom and gloom too much (and i have the last 3 months) ...i make a CONSERTED effort to try and bounce back....because a) suicide is not an option b) i am probably going to be around 20 more years etc. but i am not the party party whoopity girl..so i have to learn to live with my depressive feelings ....like Free said. But also have to know to mother myself and know when to STOP IT! and Lighten up

I hope some of this helped....thanks for reading, I really feel you ok? Do know that some of us get what you are trying to say...and I thank you for sharing it. Start making promises...to yourself.
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 1:51pm

I went through feeling this way about XMM. It dosen't bother me anymore. We never know how someone else feels, or what their experience of their life is. Even if he loves you, there is nothing he can do to change what happened between the two of you. He had to chose, and and he chose his family. Since that is his choice, the only thing he can do for you is to leave you alone. That gives you the chance to go on with your life. He can apologize a million times, but until you chose to accept reality and move on you will still feel the pain. I was feeling so bitter because I felt hurt that I wasn't his wife, and I wasn't the one he was happy with. He already had obligations before he met me, maybe he would rather be with me, dosen't really matter since he chose differently. He should have never chosen to do this in the first place. If he was so happy would he have done this? If that answer is Yes is that the man you want? Someone who would cheat and lie even when the woman they had made vows with tries hard to please them?

I started realizing that maybe he is not the only man in the world. He is just another person. There are a lot of men out there some are better then XMM, some just as good but he is not mine. There is someone else for you or if not you will feel comfortable to have your true self back. Have faith and be willing to let it go and move on. I can honestly say that I really don't care if he has the golden life. I am going to enjoy my own life.
I refuse to give him one more second of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 2:33pm

<<>>

<<>>

Wow, Free. Good for you reaching toward self-actualization in such a big way.

Me, I'm terrified of my feelings. In fact, if I even THINK I might feel something as the result of a situation, I'll avoid the situation entirely or try to manipulate things to get a different outcome, KWIM?

Apart from my A, your comments really resonate with me because of a professional situation I had recently, with a judge. I made an application that wasn't, let's just say, my finest piece of legal work. I did it in an emergent situation and although it wasn't totally off base, it wasn't quite on point either. Rather than simply denying the relief I was seeking, this particular judge felt the need to let me know how wrong my application was (this judge has a reputation for being a ball-buster so I'm in good company). That happened about 2 months ago. Have I stopped beating myself up over it yet???? Heck no. But I can't just sit with the criticism and the feelings that well up from having been criticized. I get defensive or pathetic. I'm a black and white thinker, so I immediately decided that having had this less than stellar legal experience in open court, no less, I should probably just quit practicing law entirely.

I really wish I understood how to sit with my feelings. When one surfaces despite my best efforts to keep them all neatly contained, I immediately burn incense, go shopping, eat chocolate, talk on the phone, work, read, ANYTHING to make that feeling stop dead in its tracks. I think I learned this "coping mechanism," if you will, as a child.

Just curious, Free, how did you do it????? Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 2:34pm

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

When I first ended the relationship.....I threw myself into what I wanted most. I wanted financial freedom. I wanted to own my own home. Well, in the last 2 years I've paid off my car, credit cards, and now I have more than I've ever had in my life in a saving acct, to buy my "dream" home. At first I was focused and driven by my desire to own a home and to do what I needed to do to make that happen. Now, the desire is leaving me, and I find that I think more of my past relationship with xMM than I do my future. Nothing helps take my mind off him....not even my drive and focus on owning my own home.

Thanks for saying that you understand. This is so crazy that I don't even understand some times.

I'm 41, and haven't been on one date in the 2 years. I'm not a party girl either. I just knew that I would meet someone to "help" get my mind off xMM, but there has been no one. I'm not looking for another serious relationship right now. Just someone I can talk to, have fun with, every once and a while. I mostly want companionship, someone to share my thoughts with, someone to make me feel special.

thanks again for sharing your thoughts........

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 5:20pm

Mo

Ah thats from a book "SIT WITH YOUR FEELINGS", I did put the title at the start sorry I should have been more clear about that.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14363.1

It is a good read for women that struggle with there emotions.

Free