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| Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:21pm |
Also feeling sad and empty that he hasn't been signing "i miss you" for the past few days, and then i start to get even more upset because i am not even supposed to be IN an affair with him!!! So why does it even matter if he says he misses me? i guess i am feeling played, and that bothers me.
it bothers me also that his wife may come with him because it's just more of the same crap that ruined our affair in the first place...you see he TOLD me he was planning on ending the marriage, but everything he DID indicated that he never was going to. Same old story, I know. You all have the same story, right? I thought my story was different somehow. Sigh.
i am not being coherent. i am not even sure what is bothering me. i guess i am just watching my relationship with exMM dribble away, and it is totally out of my control, and i feel marginalized and unimportant, and it really gets to me that i knew this was going to happen. i knew that he was never really going to leave her. i knew that he was lying to me all along. and now he doesn't bother to lie anymore. for a little while, i believed that it was good enough that he just wanted to keep me in his life. now, it doesn't feel good enough.
i can't stand the hystrionics of "no contact" declarations. but i really think i need to stop answering his emails and getting sucked in only to be disappointed. i have female friends that have let me down, and after a while, i just kind of let it go. that is what i need to do here. i really do.
any words for me?

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I'm so sorry you are down.
It is interesting how you draw the parallel with "normal" friends, ie... girlfriends. Or even, I assume, guy friends where it didn't cross the line. I have often thought the same... Why can't I just let go of this as I would any other relationship that I felt was hurting me, or not giving me enough? I don't have the answer. I'm sorry. I wish I did. My MM wants to stay in contact. Preserve the positive. Honestly, I do too, but he just isn't there for me as much as I am for him, and dangling, even for a day, costs so much precious energy. It is like he, and perhaps your guy, just want to choreograph the situation, and cast us in a role, or put us in a place that works for them, but for us is simply not enough or even painful. Or are we doing the same to them? I try and try to just go with it, and accept what he has to give as enough, but deep down, I know it isn't. So back to the original question.... Why put up with it?????
Then there is the skittish behavior on their part. Women are more open with their feelings, and so make the guys think about what they are doing. That is uncomfortable for them. They react, it seems to me, from the gut, and then rather than address the issues, say "Hey, I was just being sincere." Or if the answer isn't exactly what they have in the script in their heads, they pull back afraid of the fall out. Could that be why he didn't answer you? You make him think too much? And he just wants the fun and the comfort? "I miss you" opens the flood gates.
Dribble dribble.... Dangle dangle..... Is NC really the answer? Lost track of how many "hystronic" NC declarations I've made.
I have a friend that keeps saying to me "your anger will set you free", but I just can't be angry with him. I love him, or at least my fantasy version of him. The most I can muster for the real MM is disappointment and pity.
Sorry I wrote so much about my situation instead of commenting on yours, but as always, I am impressed by the parallels of all our situations. Nothing new under the sun.
Lala
Anyway, anger will most certainly NOT set you free, and your friend is dead wrong. What sets you free is acceptance. The love of my life was a man I was involved with previously, and I cannot be with him because he is a very, very bad man, it turns out, a conman. I did not know he was bad when I met and fell in love with him, although there were signs. Once I discovered the evil, I had to extricate myself. I was angry for a long time, thinking, how could he BE that way when I wanted him to be different, when I thought he was different? I went to a shrink, for a while, and we finally decided that I needed to ACCEPT the sadness of it all...so I began to say to myself, "I loved him. There was so much good about him. But it couldn't work because the bad stuff I could not live with, and it is sad and tragic, and I feel really sad...."
One I sat with those sad feelings, I had nothing much left to do. The anger fueled me. The sadness calmed me. And then the sadness lifted and I went on with my life, happily. Said man is just a distant, tragic memory, and sometimes an uplifting one because it tells me that there is true romance out there, but it may not be so good for us!
As for how this all applies to you and me and our exMM's, well, I know what I have to do....I have to sit with my disappointment the way I would with a friend that hurts me continuously. If a girlfriend disappoints me, it is rare that I would confront her or say, "Do you still like me? Are we still friends? What are we?" No. I would just kind of let it be.
Here is something someone told me about faith: Finally Allowing It To Happen. Have faith. Believe that if you just observe your feelings, you will react in an authentic way. Not in a hystrionic "I am not going to speak to you anymore" way! Not in a "what can I do to change the dynamics here" way!
I know I need to do that. It is going to take time to learn it with my exMM though because we constantly disrespected one anothers' boundaries, and this is just another example. I need to break the habit. So do you. We need to observe without outward reaction, lala.
Let's try it for ONE DAY. OK?
Do you want to end the affair? This is a support area for ending affairs. If you want to work on details of how to continue an affair, go to the "how to continue affairs" site.
Okay, okay, lotus. Now, you're drenching wet, because I just threw a bucket of water at you. The board cares, and I'm being harsh to get your attention.
Do you want to end the affair? You do? Then please, pray tell, what is a better way than "No Contact"? Sure.. write the letter or card or email that says good bye. Nothing wrong w/ that. Okay. Then what? Stay involved with each other's lives? I don't think so!
As a guy, to me, it sounds like you're being played. Why? You don't mention him asking anything about the things that matter to you. He's not talking about you and taking an interest in you (I'm sure there's more to his email that I don't know, so maybe I've jumped the gun here). But you only mention how he says " is coming back." He's psyched? Sure! I'd be psyched to having my cake and eating it too as well. Go back and look at his email. I'm willing to take an internet bet that it is full of "I, me, mine" and not much "you". Count the pronouns. Bet I win! (That's a simple little exercise, but it can show where someone's head is at)
You felt that it was "good enough just to be in his life," but I'm going to guess one reason you are on this board is that you've come to the conclusion that settling for a permanent 2nd place is NOT good enough. You're growing. You're hurting. We've been there.
You're better than someone's second helping. You should be 1st. You're worth it. Unless you CONSIDER NC, you won't find out, though. How would you ever get your own head straight, and then as a result, be ready for a healthier relationship where you ARE 1st, later, unless you start NC first? He's in another state w/ his wife? No competing w/ that, Lotus.
There's plenty o' fish in the sea, Lotus. Plenty of stars in the sky.
NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC!!!!!
Try it. You'll like it.
I like what you say here:
"If a girlfriend disappoints me, it is rare that I would confront her or say, "Do you still like me? Are we still friends? What are we?" No. I would just kind of let it be.
Here is something someone told me about faith: Finally Allowing It To Happen. Have faith. Believe that if you just observe your feelings, you will react in an authentic way. Not in a hystrionic "I am not going to speak to you anymore" way! Not in a "what can I do to change the dynamics here" way! "
2 reasons-
#1- Guys HATE the "are we okay" crap. Honestly! Ugh! My single friends belittle women who come at them w/ that stuff... and for the manipulative men out there, it is like handing the car keys over to them and asking them to drive, because you can't. Don't empower guys w/ that stuff. (read the intro to Mars/venus)
#2- The faith thing is beautiful. Are you Christian? I like the verse in Psalms 46: "Be still and know that I am God..." Faith. Keep the faith.
(...and NC can't hurt either!)
;o)
But can an alcoholic "really" recover w/ bottles hidden around the house?
That's how I see NC... Getting rid of the hidden bottles.
You say you've used NC as an attention-getting device. Okay... okay.. That's fine. But how about using it differently next time? This issue isn't NC, but HOW YOU USE IT.
Use it for real.
An alcoholic can get in a fight w/ his wife, and run around the house smashing all the bottles, just to get attention. But when he re-stocks, he is putting himself at risk again. Same alcoholic, ... later... can smash the bottles while he is sober and alone at home with very different results. Same action/different result. The key was what was within the alcoholic, and what his purposes are.
I truly do not think there is much hope of overcoming an affair without some degree of NC. Co-workers & neighbors cannot have complete NC; but to the degree that is possible, maximizing NC is critical to success.
I don't know if there is another way.
Gotta run. Must make dinner.
Thanks for helping out all us girls.
Best,
Lala
The last time I read your post "Bored with him, Bored with it" you wrote, "Don't know what happened, but I find the whole emotional affair with my MM to be totally boring now. I guess it just feels stupid now, and I am surprised. But I have no longings for him. I hope this feeling lasts!"
I'm sorry to hear that things have changed and you are hurting.
What happened since the previous thread? Are you sure your really want him?
Sometimes I feel like I really don't want him, but I don't want to give him up either. It's confusing.
HFL
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