Need to vent ...
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| Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:21pm |
Also feeling sad and empty that he hasn't been signing "i miss you" for the past few days, and then i start to get even more upset because i am not even supposed to be IN an affair with him!!! So why does it even matter if he says he misses me? i guess i am feeling played, and that bothers me.
it bothers me also that his wife may come with him because it's just more of the same crap that ruined our affair in the first place...you see he TOLD me he was planning on ending the marriage, but everything he DID indicated that he never was going to. Same old story, I know. You all have the same story, right? I thought my story was different somehow. Sigh.
i am not being coherent. i am not even sure what is bothering me. i guess i am just watching my relationship with exMM dribble away, and it is totally out of my control, and i feel marginalized and unimportant, and it really gets to me that i knew this was going to happen. i knew that he was never really going to leave her. i knew that he was lying to me all along. and now he doesn't bother to lie anymore. for a little while, i believed that it was good enough that he just wanted to keep me in his life. now, it doesn't feel good enough.
i can't stand the hystrionics of "no contact" declarations. but i really think i need to stop answering his emails and getting sucked in only to be disappointed. i have female friends that have let me down, and after a while, i just kind of let it go. that is what i need to do here. i really do.
any words for me?

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Up and down, up and down, did another NC declaration, couldn't keep it, neither could he. He is working on his marriage. I am sort of working on mine. BUt we are still dependent upon one another. It is absolutely ridiculous. I feel okay at the moment. Hope I can remain on an even keel....
I hope we're not like that.... because we're NOT impotent.... we didn't get our testicles blown off during WWI.... we have more of a choice than Jake... I hope that I can come out of this alive.. that I'll get my cajones back (even though I'm a woman)... I have been and am in hell..... been rendered powerless by myself, not a physical injury.... We need to take back the power of our lives... Stop letting ourselves be hurt by someone who can't love us the way we're supposed to be loved...
This pain is ungodly... I know that I will never, ever, ever, ever have an EMA again.... I totally screwed myself... I lost part of myself and hope that I can get it back... God, I hope so... I'm not Jake.
Love,
ns
God!
If you had told me a couple of yrs ago that I'd spend this much time on a WOMENS board, and felt this good about it, I'd have said you were nuts. Everyone here has given me terrific insight & support. Several really stand out (people here several months ago, in the "heat of all the pain" at the same time I was...).
So, heck yeah! The wiminfolk here really have helped me out.
Thank you, RG, on behalf all us wimmins here!
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