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| Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:00am |
I was doing so great. I felt strong and positive and posted here several times of several huge accomplishments in my recovery. But last night, after not shedding a tear in the last couple months for him or the lost relationship or the hurt he's caused me..all of which I thought I had let go,.. I broke down. I sobbed so badly, I locked myself in the bathroom and ran the bathtub water so my H couldn't hear me. I cried from the gut. I felt lightheaded and couldn't catch my breathe. And I am sitting here right now fighting back tears again.
I'm sure your thinking something must have brought this on. Well, after not having any conversations with him for over a week (longest time ever, in recent months we would chat maybe 3 times a week), we chatted online briefly yesterday. No, he didn't say anything hurtful, didn't say anything about us, didn't really say anything except talk about work, tv shows, and other ordinary things.
So what's the problem? For the first time since we've ended it, he seems fine. He didn't say he missed me, he made no indications that he had even been thinking of me. Didn't ask what I did last weekend, or have been doing with myself. It just really hit me hard that he doesn't hurt anymore. It's ironic, because I've been the one on this board who's been telling others that "men deal with things differently and just because he's not showing it, doesn't mean he isn't hurting too". So the conversation was so..generic, as if he was talking to his sister or something. I have to admit, I wasn't being really warm myself, but he's always been the one that wouldn't let go. He always held onto hope and kept pursuing me not to let me out of his life.
So he's given me what I asked for. He's let go. So why after being SO strong the past few months, can't I accept that he isn't sad about me anymore.
To make matters worse, he's been going out with our mutual friends to a nightclub I had been going to for years (that's how we met). I haven't gone in months, not because it hurt to see him, but because I wasn't liking the attention he was giving another woman there and the attention she was showing him in return (75% the cause of why I broke up with him). So I chose to not go back..to all the friends I had, to the place I loved going. So I'm &*%^$! angry! I'm bitter that he gets to move on like nothing happened, get to keep the friends, and I have nothing. So I was that upset last night, partially over the fact that he's way too fine about things now, and that he is out having his fun and I can't go back there because seeing him and her flirting was too painful.
Please help me back up again :( I was doing so well.
Edited 2/22/2005 10:03 am ET ET by hurtpup

hi hurtup,
its ok to have setbacks, i just woke up, im not sleeping well and have to go to work and im sure i will see OW there today
i just live one day at a time, im sure u will be even stronger after this episode, stand up again, u have done it before, not u are angry ,its good to be angry, think of H now, try to focus on H now
dont have all the answers but i think its just normal for us to remember things, its best if u can keep NC for awhile, u are almost there, most of us here have not even begun to heal
take care,
max
Huggs Pup, First your post have helped me alot thank you for that, so I am going to try an return that best I can, I can relate to the friends, and club thing because XMM and myself have the same thing I have known the people that own and work in the Kareoke club we hang out at for over 8 years,and its my stomping ground as much as his an I have stayed away for over 2 months now not wanting to run into him or his wife I am the Single woman ( by the way). And when I know I can go back an NOT let it bother me I will but thats my choice an like you , You can only control you an your actions and emotions and seeing him may hurt but t the same time seeing him flirt ( you said was 75 % of why you left) may also help you realize why do you care what some guy who obviously craves the attention of many does? Sounds simplistic I know but think about it.
As far as breaking down after a online conversation, well remember 1. old feelings pop up when we least expect it for no reason ( as a woman I blame hormones tho LOL). and there is nothing wrong with that I have still felt sad and cried over a boyfriend I broke up with HS over ( well we wont mention how long ago). so its ok its better to cry till you cant no more then to hold it in an let it eat away at you, think of it as purging your body, and dont beat yourself up over it, 2, yes men do hide emotions alot better then women, and they also do stupid things to move to themselves and us that they are over it when in fact some are just as torn up inside ( wonder if they cry in the bathroom too). 3 sweetie it is VERY VERY easy to hide that ONLINE I mean yes you can read alot into typed words but its TYPED words, you cant REALLY tell what he was feeling perhaps he was b eing to cool to protect you, to make you think he has moved on because he ws hurting you can never tell.
All in all I guess I am just saying its ok that you cried, and its ok that you had a small meltdown, let it all out an let it go, pull yourself back up remember why you ended it wipe your face an hold your head up high you have control over you an only you and you already got past the hard part.And oh yea keep posting here so when I trip over my stepping stones I can grab onto something LOL..
Much peace an tissue for you
~KRM~
P.S. And I have a plan (childish I know) but when I do make my appearance back at the club I willbe looking HOT HOT HOT!!!!!!!! LOL...( something to consider)
(((HP))
There really is nothing to be said to make you feel better other than crying can be very cleansing, and helps to put stuff into perspective. I only wish you would understand how very important NC really is, and why still talking to him, no matter how lame the communication, is an emotional kick in the groin. YOU HAVE to let him go...completely!
No matter what is said, whether it's "I miss you" or "Guess where I'm going tonight?" or "What's new?", your heart will still react to it one way or another. Why do keep setting yourself up for this emotional turmoil?
Let him go HP. He is nothing but poison trickling into your veins until you close off all portals of entrance! You will never get past this as long as you continue to grant him that passage. Do what's best for both of you....lock the door and throw away the key.
Pup:
I'm sorry you're hurting. I know so well what you're going through. Everyone on this board does. Don't beat up on yourself for having an emotional relapse. They happen from time to time.
My situation was a little different than yours. He is married, so he's not out meeting other women. And our worlds are completely separate, for the most part. We have one mutual friend. I've run the gamut on emotions since it ended in September. And I have talked to him a few times, but have not started anything up with him. I think the thing that makes me the most sad is not necessarily to not have him in my life, but the idea of him. My DH and I separated not long after his finding out about us. I don't know what's going to happen there. I think when I get upset these days it's because I see the totality of everything. I know that I never would have gotten involved in an A if things had been good in my M, but at the same time, I can't help but have regret and guilt that I did get into an A. It was so against what I believed. And now who knows what's going to happen. Maybe DH and I will reconcile, maybe not. Probably not. He is not someone who can forgive cheatiing, even being a cheater himself. His ego is too badly bruised, that ego being part of our problem. And I know that I will never be with OM because he will never leave his W, even though she, too, is a cheater and doesn't love him. For whatever reason, kids probably being the biggest, he just stays in that incredibly dysfuntiional relationship. But I don't judge him for that. I understand.
Anyway...you're going to be ok. Just keep doing the work to get past this, and you will. Some things just take time. And it's probably for the best that you don't go out to that nightclub. Why torture yourself? There's other clubs. Other friends.
One last thing....maybe you really need to just cut off all communication with him. There's probably no real good reason for you to be talking to him anyway, right?
Hugs.
Pickle
Thanks guys for the support. Just blew me away that I reacted so emotionally over a very non-eventful conversation. We've been talking for months and I never had a reaction like that unless we fought.
pickle, the other man is married. I know it seems like he's not seeing as how he's flirting with this other woman, but his W seems oblivious to what he does. Me and H are friends with XMM and his W, so that's why complete NC hasn't been an option. The only rule I had was no PRIVATE contact..meaning nothing I can't tell H about. The chats with him on the computer was something H knew was part of my nightly rituals, he knew me and him talked often online. I've cut down contact so much that H has asked "you two fighting or something?". So in order not to draw too much attention to the fact that I am no longer wanting to go out with this crowd anymore, along with the fact I'm not talking much to XMM, I maintained very minimal contact..allowing very brief online chats as to not have my H put two and two together and realize something is definately wrong.
But ID, I know you are right and I'm beginning to see NC as where this is leading. I just needed to ease out of this slowly for the reasons mentioned above. But H is realizing that with us not going out the that crowd anymore, that we eventually won't be seeing XMM and his W any longer. So being the distance is becoming greater as time goes on, I foresee NC as a real possibly very soon. It hurts too much to know that he's still going there, knowing very well how that rips me apart inside.
And Krm, earlier during the intial break up, I was determined to continue going out like I always had, and just hold my head up and have a great time, and go looking as great as I possibly could. I was able to do that for awhile, but realized I was just kidding myself. I wanted so much to be strong and not let him affect the social life I've known for several years, but the pain of him practically ignoring me, and eating up the attention this woman was giving him, was leaving me so angry, it was very difficult to hide my emotions when there. There were times I actually made fool of myself and behaved in irrational ways. I determined that there was no way around it, I'd have to leave. He knew why, and he did nothing to change what was causing the termoil in our relationship. In other words, he chose to lose me over losing what he had going there.
hurt,
dont forget to eat breakfast ok
take care of yourself
max
now its my turn to go to work and see the OW there, i hope i dont see her all day today
Pup:
Ahhh, I see. Didn't know he was married, too. To be honest, he doesn't sound like such a good thing. He had an affair with you, and now he's out flirting it up with someone else, in front of you. Ick. Who knows. Maybe he's having an affair with her (or is about to). Double ick. The guy sounds like a player. Triple ick.
I wouldn't be surprised, pickle, that's why I chose to end it. At the very least, he is a man that thrives on attention from women. I started noticing that as time went on and told him about it. Of course I was told I was wrong.
I started seeing the kind of man he really is, flirty, perhaps a player, and I told him that although I don't choose to make anyone change for me, I cannot live with the way he is when it comes to women. He says I really don't know him at all then,..I think I'm right on the money.
I suspect now that I'm out of the picture and not going there and agonizing over his every move, he will pursue this woman even more. Something I figured would happen if I broke up with him, and something that caused me to drag my feet on doing it for so long. Then I realized that I cannot control what he does whether he's my bf or not, he's going to be who he is. That's when I came to my senses. Still doesn't make it any easier, because he held on so long to me, that now that he's let go, I feel like I'm lost again.
As he would say "this is how you wanted it".