need you now... (this is long)
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| Wed, 07-07-2010 - 10:50pm |
I hate Facebook.
I don't think I've shared my entire story. But here it is in a nutshell:
Met xAP in Feb 2006. I was miserable in my marriage. So lonely. Approaching my 40th birthday. xAP was fresh off divorce.
The chemistry was instant. It was just supposed to be sex. It was so incredible. Made me feel so alive, so young, so beautiful, so sexy.
Well, of course, I fell in love. He moved... but only a couple of hours away, and... to my hometown no less.
We began to see each other every other weekend. I would stay with him. My friends would cover for me. My parents would keep the kids. We DATED. Dinner, movies, dancing. All of it.
His job didn't work out and he moved back here after 18 months. We couldn't date anymore, but we saw each other when we could. We talked about a possible future together, but he never really made an effort for that to happen and so, neither did I.
November 2009 - he got a job offer - 2000 miles away. I cried and cried but I knew that he had to go. It was too good to pass up. He said he wouldn't stay more than 6 months, maybe a year. He didn't really want to go, he was scared of the change. I encouraged him, told him he needed to do this or he'd regret it. He promised he'd be back. He said that we weren't over yet.
April 2010, I realize that he is seeing someone else and he doesn't have the balls to tell me so I break it off. He doesn't respond, doesn't ask why, nothing.
NC at all - 12 weeks tomorrow.
I blocked him and the new girlfriend from my facebook. We only have one mutual friend and I did not block this friend.
I've heard nothing in 12 weeks, until today, when this mutual friend updates his status with this:
Congratulations to my friend (xAP) who is in Vegas today getting married.
WHAT? WHAT?? OMG. OMG.
12 weeks, I have been counting. I have been proud of myself each and every day for doing the right thing. I have struggled. I have prayed. I have cried. I have WORKED MY ASS OFF to get over him and let it go. And he just goes and marries this girl that he's been seeing for 3 or 4 months? How can that be?
I know this is dragging on, and I'm sorry. I have to write this down.
So, really? He didn't love me? I was that easy to get over? How can that be? I AM IN SHOCK.
No I don't want him back. No I have no desire to contact him.
I ONLY MISS WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN. I still hurt because the fantasy that I created in my head and in my heart was SO REAL to me. And what was I to him? Just a piece of ass? For Four F***king years?
My self esteem is SHOT. I feel like a piece of worthless crap.
And guess what? In two days, I fly out to Vegas to meet H to celebrate our anniversary.
OMG. I can't believe how bad this hurts.

Angel:
Oh my dear, I am so sorry for your pain. I'm a newbie here and not well seasoned with advice. So many thoughts rolling around in my head.
First thing that came to mind to me is that xAP just transferred feelings he had from you after 4 years to someone who just had the luck of timing and was unattached. How else could it be explained????
You did the right thing, you blocked and walked. You held your head high, you never broke contact and you maintained your dignity. Tomorrow will be 12 weeks of NC, no contact, no new hurts and you will become a tweener.
Very proud of you Angel!
MovingON
You have done an incredible job of staying NC.
But----he was single, you were married. You broke it off, he went on. I know you are wondering if you ever meant anything to him. I'm sure you did at some point. But it was an affair. I hate how cold that sounds and I don't want to sound uncaring, but it was. And as a single guy whose cake just left him, he's gonna see others. And yeah he probably was seeing others while seeing you, after all you guys were miles and miles apart. It would have been nice if he had opened up to you about that, but he didn't.
Go to Vegas and have a blast. I hope you can find a way to let this go and enjoy what you have in your H. hugs
Dear Angel,
I am back for being a lurker, hehe but you wake me up when you mentioned facebook.
I think all of us would like to think of our XAPs living an isolated life of eternal sorrow for what they gave up with us. I liked what Liberty said - no news = no hurts. Focus on you and your life. His will go on. Rewind yourself back to before you had this information - nothing has changed. I can't imagine how hard it was to read that, but just keep reminding yourself that you didn't want him and your life is better now. I shouldn't judge, but who marries someone after knowing them for 3 or 4 months for pete's sake??
This was a little bump for you, gather your thoughts, refocus and have a GREAT anniversary.
Bodhi
Oh, Angel. I am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling. Finding out how they have moved on quite easily while we still struggle stings like a mother, doesn't it? But like another poster said, he was S, you are M and it was an affair. Nothing good was ever going to come of it. An affair is doomed from the moment it starts.
Buck up on the self esteem. Do something that will help bring it back. You cannot measure your worth by your xAP's actions. You measure your worth by YOUR actions, so get busy and do something good for yourself and/or for others. Helping others will boost your self esteem tremendously.
A big hug to you, Angel. I know it really, really sucks. Just let it all out now so that you and H can have a good time in Vegas.
((((sweetie))))
~alwayst2
Oh Angel, I am so sorry you had to find this out. I had something similar happen to me. I thought I had xap blocked on FB and other areas of my life, but it seems we still have some mutual friends on FB and I saw a "happy anniversary" post to him and his wife "7 wonderful kids and 2 beautiful kids." The worst part was, I noted the date that this anniversary greeting was posted and noticed that it was the day, one year ago, that he sent me his outpouring in an email that started the whole A. I thought I was going to die. It hurt so badly. But, guess what? I picked myself up, dusted myself off and moved on. And you will too. This is just a minor speed bump. I know it hurts. I know. But your A is over. It's best for you. You are moving on and he is moving on. He has not forgotten you, but he's out living his real life, just as you have been. You will keep healing. You will get over this. Keep your head up and don't lose hope.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hello my sisters,
Just wanted to say THANK YOU for responding and for your kind words. Your encouragement helps me so much. I know that you all feel (or have felt) the same kind of pain that I am feeling.
I cried last night for about an hour. My sadness stems from xAP loving her MORE than he ever loved me. I know that he was S and I was M... but my H travels A LOT. xAP and I had a lot of time together, and I gave him everything that I had left over after kids and work. I was a good girl friend to him. There were only a handful of times over four years where he called and I couldn't answer.
I started thinking, wonder what he did will all the stuff I sent him after he moved away? I must have sent him 4 or 5 "care packages", full of all of his favorite candy and coffee, books and DVD's, a T-shirt of his fav college football team after they won the national championship, and love notes. Notes that reassured him that I was in love with him, that I missed him, but most of all, I was proud of him. It's hard for me to imagine that those gifts, which came from my heart, meant so little to him that he could toss them.
Ok, enough of that. I did have a better day today. Didn't sleep much last night, but made it through the work day okay. Came home, made dinner and brownies for my kids, and got out the suitcase so that I could begin packing for my trip. No more tears.
Oh, and I blocked that mutual friend on my FB account, and I also blocked him on my cell phone. I don't want any more news about xAP, good, bad or otherwise. If he comes back here with his new wife to meet his family, I don't want to even know about it.
Thank you all again for being there for me. Today is 12 weeks NC, but it won't actually be 90 days (TWEENER TIME) until next week.
Love to you,
Angel
"I was a good girl friend to him"
Dear Fallen (and gettin back up);
I am happy to hear that you are feeling better today, and that you took some actions to keep yourself protected.
I have included this line above from your post because I think this is part of what is tripping you up. You were never his girlfriend, never, not even close. You were married to someone else. I know it is all screwed up, but think about it. You couldn't introduce him to your family & friends as your boyfriend, you couldn't walk proudly around your city hand in hand like in real relationships. We may have felt like we were their partners, but we were anything but their partners. You were no more his girlfriend then he was your boyfriend.
And all the worry about what he did with what you sent him ... doesn't matter. It is over, you're moving on and not looking back. What good is it doing you to wonder? It doesn't change anything now whether or not he loved you. It doesn't matter one bit, we only think that it does. How would it change anything? You need to find validation from within instead of thinking that it will come from knowing that you mattered to him. No doubt that you did, but does it change anything REALLY? Nope - you're still married, and now so is he.
That's some kind of closure. Mine came fast too when they bought a house within a month of him looking for an apartment to leave her. Loser fished until I left work, well after that house had been bought. Surprise Surprise.
That's just the way it goes.
You're a strong woman Fallen, and we will be wearing wings together soon!
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
<>
EXACTLY !
It's a hidden relationship, one that took place behind hotel room doors, sneaking around and putting a deceitful relationship in front of our real life relationships. Took me a long time to get that through my head. No matter how sweet we were together, no matter how good it was, the entire relationship between us was a big fat lie. And we were lying to ourselves more than anything. We considered ourselves a couple when we were out of town together. What a joke that was. A couple who left 3 days later to return to their respective spouses. Yeah, that was so not real. We just continued to lie to ourselves so we could excuse our behavior away.
sounds like you are a better place since your first post.. i am glad..
i agree with all the posters..however, the one thought i had reading your post, i didn't see.. or maybe missed..
what would happen if indeed, in some way, if you had ended up with this guy.. in six months, in a year, in a few years.. he'd have hurt you much more, because this is the kind of guy he is..
yes.. you shared a past.. and at the end, you saw him for what he really is.. in a way, i am glad you saw him now this way, rather than much much later in life, having wasted even more months and years..
smile, if you can, that he didn't get to steal your future..
good luck..
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