Need your 2 cents on his response...
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| Fri, 09-17-2004 - 9:43am |
So I was going through my emails from him trying to delete them all...this was his response to me being psycho one day saying he never loved me and he just used me. He had recently told me that he was no longer in love with me which made me go sideways! This was his response to me from one of my emails. I asked him to give me the truth and this is what he said. What do you all think? Just curious to get an outsiders perspective on his response to shed some light on this and help me move on. I know you will all be brutally honest...
HIS RESPONSE TO MY REQUEST FOR THE TRUTH:
"You make it sound as though I took advantage of you. Do you truly believe if I only wanted to have sex with you I would have let you into my life, created a strong friendship, relied and trusted you as my friend just to have sex. Dont you think that seems a bit complicating.
The truth:
We met, we became friends, our friendship turned into love and intimacy. We both knew it wasnt right and would have to come to an end at some point. We decided we were ready. Here's the problem. I followed throught and you havent. I am trying to move on and you wont or cant. You remain unhappy as if I broke up with you or something. For that reason you have anger and animosity towards me. Your angry with me because I dont feel the same as you do. And somehow I am to blame for all of this. Thats the truth. Accept it or expell it. Your decision."

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Yes, that bad and every bit as obvious, hon.
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It's because we are now used to lying (to others as well as to ourselves) and so it's no surprise we begin to doubt even our own thoughts and feelings. We quit lying, we quit looking for the lies in others and doubting ourselves, too. As far as the music, you knew full well the piper had to be paid at some point - he's just handed you the bill.
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What else is there to do or say? It's done. Any conversation or action implies there is hope or a desire to leave the door wedged open. He doesn't so there isn't. If you leave it as it is now, you could remain a pleasant memory. If you don't, then you occupy the bunny-boiler slot in his memory. Which would you prefer if you had a choice?
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You are grieving the end of a secret relationship, one which had to be kept hidden, under shrouds and in the dark. It probably also smarts that you can't get exOM back even if it's just to soothe your ruffled feathers. He has feelings, too. Respect them.
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Because the qualities you mention could just as easily be attributed to a puppy. Surface stuff. Look below the surface stuff and what do you have with DH? Truly, dipss, the problem is not in your husband or even in your marriage - it is something lacking in *YOU* which has led you to seek validation outside of your marriage. IC would effectively help in addressing the core issues if you are willing to take that step. I loved IC.
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Because you're still standing there pounding on the closed door and being irked when it's not opening with the magic words.
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Psychology isn't my field. Again, IC would be the answer here if you are really willing to deal with the questions. The whole point of IC is to help you with just this type of bs.
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I like something that Briatan said. "All the good is gone." Whatever it was that you perceived as being good within your EMA is now simply gone. That well has been sucked dry. The dog that is your EMA will no longer hunt. It's done.
That door is now closed, dipss. You can stand there and looking at the closed door, maybe hammer on it a little for effect just to check it's really closed. Note that attempting to jemmy the lock will have the likely result of the police knocking on your own door. Then again, you COULD start looking for the door that opened on the closing of the last door. What's it gonna be?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I am way too hung up on the "L" word huh? Wonder why? Maybe that is part of my deeper rooted problems. Hmmm??? Never really thought about it.
I think I somehow have to figure out how I can get some therapy.
Why does everyone here make so much sense and yet we still struggle??
You were so good with the NC - what did you do when you wanted to contact the OM? See when I want to, I just do. I just give into the urge. I figure its harmless. But it is harmful. Even when we tried to be just friends. You see, truth be told, I really think he could handle that but I couldnt. So after a while I would just find myself getting angry at him and bringing it back to the "whys and hows" and you know what he didnt want to discuss it at one point anymore. I probably was so insane and obsessive compulsive with trying to understand it all that I made it easy for him to walk away. It was no longer fun for him and as we know for men, when its no longer fun and becomes a chore they have no problem letting go.
Thanks Katie.
xo!
I started this process that day, 4 months ago, when I consciously admitted to myself that it was over. I didn't share this self-acknowledgement with anyone, now even MM. Now, 4 months later, HE is the one who said to me just this morning as we were discussing a business issue: "I now understand my depression. I have been grieving. It is so much like a death."
FACING up to what must be first accepted and THEN processed is the ONLY way we can move forward and eventually gain the momentum to continue in that direction.
~True~
Edited 9/17/2004 2:29 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself
Without debating the rights and wrongs or moral issues of an EMA, it is a relationship and the ending of one is a painful process. Any growth can be & often is painful a painful experience - hence the term growing pains.
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Yup, yup and thrice yup. Part of moving forward seems to be getting angry followed by accepting your own part in the events which led you right here. Then and only then can you truly start moving forward.
Fact is, True, if ya don't wanna end it, ya won't and nothing anyone can say or do will alter that. If ya do, ya will.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
You sure your not a licensed therapist Posie????
I am overwhelmed and sooooo emotional for everything that you wrote. I dont even have the strength right now to properly respond cuz' I feel so overwhelmed by the accuracy of your post BUT I did want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your response.
I broke down just reading it. As right as you are, the truth still hurts. Well I asked for all of your brutal honesty and I got it. Not one of you led me to believe that there was more to it than it really is. It just is what it is.
The truth behind my actions is a bit overwhelming. I always just chalk it up to another bad decision by "crazy and wild dipss, always looking for adventure and exciement". But you gals are right there is reason that leads us down this road. Figuring it out is the hard part.
Thanks Posie!!
XOXO!
How about option F: Go home and FLIRT WITH YOUR HUSBAND, before some other woman sees that you have left the barn door open and decides she can take better care of your husband then you can, SHE is going to look at him and say to her self and the girls on the AFFAIR SUUPORT BOARD that his wife does not give him enough attention /love / time /sex ETC... His wife does not deserve to keep this great guy....
This is how it happens when the good guys end up in affairs.... is this in your future... is it already happening while your focusing on that sludge bucket ????
Here is another not nice idea... his feelings of love did not change... they never existed...IT WAS A TYPICAL LIE from a man in a affair.
MOST affairs are not based on REAL love or friendship, there not about the OP or the spouse, there about "ME "ME" "ME", getting what I want or need, that motivation leaves little room for Honest real love or friendship.
JMHO
Free
PS: Dips I know how rough this sounds believe me but I wish I had heard it a lot earlier then I did.
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