need your thoughts - please respond
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need your thoughts - please respond
| Thu, 11-04-2004 - 2:55pm |
I have been reading over the posts from today and from the past and I keep running into the same stuff. The XMM calls back and wants to see you or for more less a booty call and we get sucked back in. I keep reading they need control and will call you back someday. I have a question - what if the XMM never calls you back - does that mean they are totally over you and didn't look back. I said things at the end that indicated that we had to end it, but I still called him afterwards. Was I pulling his chain? I was saying one thing and then I was calling him afterwards. He always told me that whenever I decided to end it that it would be over and he would not keep calling me. I asked him so you can just move on like that and he said I just want you to be happy and if that is what you want I will do that. He could see that I was struggling with not ending the A but he still took the same approach. How can making me happy by not talking to me anymore help me. He has always been alittle arrogant at times and has alot of pride. He has yelled at me about things concerning my h. He has called me many times to ask me to promise him that I would not sleep with my h that night. He would make me swear I would not be with anybody else. It was all about control. So did he take control back over when I called him the last time after ending it and he didn't want to talk to me and said he would call back and never did? Are some men just wired to move on so fast without a thought in the world about the one they are hurting. One of our last phone calls he said that he was having a really hard time too and that all he thinks about is our situation and he didn't want it to end. He was so kind and caring and it felt really good that he opened up to me like he always did but then after we got off the phone he thought about everything and he was a jerk three days later when I called him the next time and didn't want to talk to me. He didn't want to end things to work on his marriage or bc he felt bad for cheating - I said I needed to move on bc I need to move on in life with my h. We want another baby. He always asked me not to give up on him and to wait to see what happens. Should I just remember the last good conversation and move on but I can't help focusing on the last time I called and he didn't want to talk to me. If I had never called the last time - I would walk away feeling so much better about myself and not feel rejected.

The fact of the matter is that we very seldom get nice, clean, clear cut closure in affairs simply because these relationships are not nice, clean, or clear cut.
<<< I have a question - what if the XMM never calls you back - does that mean they are totally over you and didn't look back. I said things at the end that indicated that we had to end it, but I still called him afterwards. Was I pulling his chain? I was saying one thing and then I was calling him afterwards.>>>
Yes, it does appear that you were jerking his chain. I'm wondering why it was you chose to end your affair. I ask because from experience, I actually had a habit of doing the ole break up in order to be able to enjoy the making up again. It was extremely manipulative of me playing with someone's feelings like that in order to get him to feed some need I had tucked away under the guise of love. ExOM didn't appreciate it and I didn't appreciate it when exOM jerked my chain either, but there we have the epitome of an unhealthy relationship...
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Here's a big secret, Merehud, shhhh now, don't be telling just anyone, ok? *looks around furtively to ensure no one else is listening* People only have as much power over us as we choose to give them -and- we can always take it back again at any time we wish by making an active choice to do so.
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Some men are, some aren't. Some women are, some women aren't. People are wild and wonderful individuals and not all of them are necessarily healthy for us to be around. When something is hurting us, it's our body's signal that something isn't right and it needs to be checked out. Same goes for the mind, when we are in emotional pain, it's a signal something isn't right and we need to check out why it's not working for us. I've found individual counselling to be enormously beneficial. I thoroughly recommend it.
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You said you needed to move on because you need to move on in life with your husband and family. You ended it, Merehud. It was your choice to end it. What has changed in the things you were hoping to focus on, such as your H & family?
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Focus on the beauty in all that you do have, Merehud. There is much beauty you've missed whilst being locked into focussing on exMM. It's right there beneathe your nose, look for it. If exMM & dwelling on him or what he said or endlessly re-running conversations in your mind is causing you pain and keeping you from moving forward, then where is the benefit of doing these things? Forward not back lays peace & acceptance. Of course, you can spin your wheels or continue hammering on a locked, bolted, mortice-locked steel door, but it's unlikely to be very fulfilling.
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You ended it, Merehud. These things just don't ordinarily end neatly or tidily. The only closure you are likely to get is that which you give yourself. You do not need anyone's permission to obtain closure.
You're at an important crossroads. The road behind you served it's purpose in bringing you right here, right now. The road ahead of you leading towards peace & acceptance beckons. Which way will you head, sweetie?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I went through a lot of the same questioning after I intiated NC. How could he NOT call (even though I asked him not to). How could he hurt me that way? What was he feeling - or not feeling? What did he mean when he said this or did that or......and on and on.....
Truth is, you will NEVER know what's going on in his mind and heart. And if you are serious about ending the affair, you have to let all those questions go. You are (still) using thoughts of him to avoid thinking about what's important - yourself and YOUR situation. Stop thinking about him, and start thinking about your current reality - why you got into the affair, and what you're going to do about rebuilding your marriage. I know how very hard it is to leave him - and thoughts of him - BEHIND, but that's what ending the affair is about. Take it one step at a time, be strict but patient with yourself.
Wishing you the very best future-
mtnsweetheart
Thank you for responding back to me. What you said really makes alot of sense to me. The reason why i kept ending things was for two reasons: I needed to move on with my life with my h and we were wanting to have another baby and the time was ticking for us. Also for a while there, my Xmm really sounded like he wanted to leave her and was talking about all kinds of stuff to me about it. He really wanted us to be together. We were both living in this fantasy world where there was no everyday problems to deal with, I guess. Then he got in a fight with his wife ( pretty bad - they didn't talk for a week) and that is when he was most vulnerable to me. He said he went in there to end things with her and he just couldn't do it right then. He couldn't rip her heart out for a stupid fight they were having. So I guess reality hit him and he said to not give up on him and to wait to see what happens and he wanted to be with me he just needed to figure how he was going to do it without feeling like an a@@hole. When we first started the A we had no intentions of leaving our spouses and we even said that but as months went on feelings developed more than just physical and we wanted to be together and planned out everything. So to answer your question - why I wanted to end things beside for my family is bc after I broke it off with him the second time (the first time - he talked me right back out of it) he didn't seem as responsive to me and didn't call me everyday like before so I didn't feel he was as into me as before eventhough he said he felt the same way. When it ended the third time we said things to kinda get some closure - how we felt and how hard it was for both of us. I guess I was having a harder time letting go eventhough he said he was too. I did call him after we said our thoughts to each other and agreed we needed to talk some more and do something. When I called he was a jerk and said some pretty harsh things. I should have just left it alone but I couldn't bc the day before he was so kind with everything we talked about. I called him back the next week to make sure there were no hard feelings and he was very nice and said he could never hate me and was thinking about me all weekend. I didn't say it back and didn't bring up anything and got off the phone with him pretty quickly. I could have gotten some more closure that day bc he was being so kind but I was hurt and wanted to show him I was over all this A and wanted to move on with my life. Well, I was weak three days later and called him back and that is when he asked why I needed to talk to him and he would call me back - never did. When I asked why he was being so ugly - he responded with "I don't know". That is how we ended things. SOunds brutal - doesn't it. I came running back to him after three days. I didn't want back in I just wanted to talk but all he knows I am pinning away and upset bc we are over and he got the last word in and broke it off with me. I know I have to let it go - but sometime its very hard and you analize everything to see if you looked like a fool to him or you were the weak one of the two. I don't like feeling like that. I haven't picked up a phone to call him after that and that was 6 weeks ago. I did have to see he and his family a couple of weeks ago. He said hey to both of us and I just looked away and we acted like we didn't know each other. Later I saw them again and he asked where we were going bc they didn't know what they were about to do and i said "you need to go get your pregnant wife something to eat" in a nice way though. He just looked at me and I looked at him and looked away. They found out they were pregnant a week after we spoke the last time. It was unexpected and they were not happy about it. I had to talk to the wife. Xmm almost passed out she said when she told him. I know they are having a rough time and their life is doing a 180 for ever. This will be number 4.
I am happy with my husband - sometime I'm scared that I am too happy and that I am just overcompensating and trying to hard to make it work for us. I love him dearly.
I recommend reading the book 'dont call that man'.
It explains why you want closure, etc.
It tells you why it doesn't matter. Emotional dismissal hurts.
Its time to focus on yourself - be selfish if you have to - it's YOUR life
and you make or break it.
Good luck.
I think the only closure you will have is that you give yourself.
I think dwelling on the he said/she said will only result in disappearing up one's own back passage.
I think that exMM is exactly where he wants to be, with his wife & family. He's had opportunities to leave and he has chosen not to do so.
I think you are also right where you want to be with your husband and family. You have also had opportunities to leave and you have chosen not to do so.
Now have another look at your post to which I am responding. There is almost an entire page devoted to exMM. There are 3 short lines about your husband. I point this out only because it breaks my heart that when I began posting I too would pour out line upon line about exOM and just like you, I'd throw in a couple lines almost as an afterthought that DH was actually a pretty good man.
Next, ask yourself some questions:-
What part of me needs this man, so that I can feel good about myself?
What part of me do I dislike so much that I don't believe I deserve to be happy in a real relationship with my husband?
What is the best worst possible outcome to all this? What can I do to avoid it?
What is the best possible outcome to all this? What can I do to achieve it?
Forward, not back, Merehud.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
When my MM ended things this summer I was a wreck and asked him not to call. It was torture but I did it. The we started talkign agian and had a relapse. We had a pretty awful conversation and ended things sort of the mad side. He didn't call me for days and I was so mad not b/c I had this craved him but b/c i thought he was getting the better of me! It was a total ego bruise for me! I knew as soon as we coudl talk I'd feel liek we were on equal terms. So we did talk and eventually I felt good again. Well we are back at a huge bump and Mm hasn't called and I am not sure he will. Here is the difference. I am not anxious or nervous. I know what i want from my H and my M. I also would like my MM in there some place too but him not calling is not an ego bruise anymore. My confidence is where it should be so my perspective is different. If MM doesn't call and this ends, I will be sad but not over some phone call that didn't mean all that much anyhow!
So yes, concentrate on your H and goals for a family.
Good luck
The guy loves you, will always but has the pride and arrogance to not admit it. For me I found it was easier to move forward accepting that I was loved by two men (MM and H) and not dwelling on the negatives. I ended the A for myself since I didn't want to be torn and because H was more special than MM was (MM was a complicated seemingly bipolar jerk whose ego I didn't want to stroke any more) and not that I wasn't loved. So keep the knowledge close to your heart that you are a special person and loved but you don't want to remain torn all your life and miss life. You ended it, you weren’t rejected, if MM had some last words in the end, it doesn’t matter; it was still your choice.
PG