Need your widsom, XMM contacted me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Need your widsom, XMM contacted me.
10
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 10:08am

I have read all of the posts this morning on "friendship" and the NC ground rules and they have really spoken to me but I am still having trouble wrapping my mind around all of this and Im hoping for some guidance, thought and expierence from all of you.


XMM sent me an email on Thursday stating that he wants to keep in touch and remain "friends". He said that he will always love me and wants to know what is going on in my life with work, kids and life in general. He knows how hurt I have been by the roller coaster of the A, his Dday, his pulling back, all the standard A BS. He said that he is hurt too and this hasnt been easy for him either.


I dont want to be "friends". I could care less to hear about his time in a recent half marathon, what trips he is taking and what he spoils his daughters with. He preached to me for 16 mths about how lonely he was in his marraige and how they just co exist and I just cant stand to hear that he is staying. Im so angry at him that I cant stand it. I think it is so selfish of him to want to remain "friends" when he clearly wanted to end things back in January yet strung me along till April.


What I WANT to do and what I NEED to do are so different. I want to send him an email, even drafted it up, and tell him how selfish he is for even asking to remain friends. I want to tell him that I think he hides his insecure personality behind his materialistic lifestyle and I want to ask him how he can tell me that things are better for him lately even though just a few short months ago he told me how angry his W was at him for having this A.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 10:30am

GMLB,
Draft that email and post it here; do NOT send it to him. Get it all out of your system and don't let it fester. You're angry and frustrated - this is why you are not thinking clearly about breaking NC. You already know exactly why you shouldn't break NC - you're not a green newbie, after all - but, you are functioning from your emotional, not logical, center.

If it's a clear and good message you want to send this complete a-hole, make it the one that is flattering and dignified for you.... NC.

don't forget Jane's 48 hour rule, if you feel like you just can't get past this.

Stay strong,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 10:37am

GMLB,


Your silence is for your own protection. It's high time you put yourself first and stop worrying about XMM and what he thinks or feels. Of course he is struggling, as you are, but by ignoring his emails you are sending a clear message that this A is over in EVERY capacity. If he does go so far as showing up at your work, THEN and only then, should you set him straight. Whatever you want to email him today, have it already written out and memorized so you can repeat it to his face should the opportunity arise. More than likely you will never have to do this because your silence should send

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 10:56am
Right on, Iddy. I am a big proponent of having a script ready to go when needed. When we run our mouths off the cuff in an emotional situation.... well, NOT good.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 12:27pm

I have a script memorized in case my exAP comes to my door, or even if i run into him at starbucks n he tries talking to me. i hid in my car once...i was horrified. Now, I hope I never see him...but am prepared if he tries to corner me into conversation. I will jet the other way if possible, the very thought of me seeing him fills me with disgust. My script is short and sweet and there is no emotion. He is bold enough to come to my door...I will not answer. But he is one that might wait outside for me or something. He can not call or email or text anymore. I think he may have gotten the picture. So no worries, but I def am prepared in case a run in or a show up...

GMLB, you know you can not respond. Let it go. U know that responding will only hurt you more and give him the ego stroke he is so desperate for. He will be fine. You have managed. Do not let his fishing attempt reel you in. Keep the door shut with a dead bolt.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 12:44pm

IF he loved and IF he was your friend he would care enough to leave you alone to heal ... he is not doing that he is still thinking about number 1 ONLY.

Delete the mail ... and DELETE THE MALE.

Silence is golden.

NO NEW CONTACT = NO NEW HURTS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 1:00pm

I like the "delete the male," I am going to steal that...LOL, hope ya don't mind.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 1:03pm
Free, how come they're still letting you wear that hat? ;-)

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2010
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 1:39pm

GMLB,


I think the reason not to respond to his e-mail is simple - actions speak louder than words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 1:34pm

All of you are 100% right. Any contact with him is a negotiation and I choose not to negotiate my feelings or jeopardize the strides that I have made thus far.


I'm still struggling with my anger towards him for even suggesting that we should remain friends after all the BS he put me through but then again, I was the one that handed over the steering wheel to him. Anytime I ever expressed my frustration about our "relationship" he would find a way to turn things around and make it about him or at least point out all that HE had given up and done to make the A work.


I just go back and forth between anger, sorrow and relief. Seems like I got off the A roller coaster and on to the emotional one. Thank god I recently upped the Zoloft dose of it would likely be worse. Last night I had to drive to my new part time job which is in his town. I am not very familiar with the town but he did give me a tour once. I kind of have an idea where he lives and I can begin to tell you how nervous I was just hoping and praying that I didn't see him, his W, his kids or pass his street. I hate feeling this way ladies!!!! I want control over this and I feel like I'm letting him have the advantage again. Just by him sending me a stupid "i don't want you out of my life" email send me back a few steps and has me shaking in my boots as I drive through his town.


I have not responded to his email and I promise all of you here that I will NOT!!! My hand on the EAS handbook.....I, GMLB, do solemnly swear that I will not email the spineless coward that I had a

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 3:13pm

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Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.