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| Thu, 10-07-2004 - 5:37pm |
I found out today he's having another girl... he's super attached to his little girl (they also have a boy already). So... I'm just really hurting!
The whole A left me without emotional validation - what I mean is... he said he cared about me - I KNOW he was involved with me because of what we had - a deep connection - it was rarely talked about though - and as things came to an end I tried my hardest to pull out of him SOME validation that our involvement was more to him than just a "good time" - but his committment to his wife and family kept him from every giving that to me... he was always so careful with what he'd say - never giving me false hope or making me think it was more than what it was... I look back now and feel so hurt... why did he withhold from me and will I ALWAYS ache to hear that what we had was REAL and true?
I'm so confused and hurting on top of that! And all I can think is... I felt it - I KNOW I felt it - I could see it when he'd look at me and as though he WANTED to say more but never said it and I feel like I've been left hanging... never knowing... how do I get past this?

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some great words of advice for you, but I just wanted to offer you my support. I totally understand the desire for validation from xOM that there WAS something there, and that it wasn't just sex. It is very frustrating because we rarely get that. Whether or not xMM felt that deep connection, only he knows. But he has made his decision. He is married with children and he has chosen to honor them. Try to find the strength within yourself to move on. You will never get the validation or closure you need from him, not necessarily because he didn't feel it, but because he is not, and never was, free to be completely IN this with you in the first place. Regular relationship rules just don't apply to affairs. Someone said a few weeks ago that since affairs are never real relationships, they have no real beginning and, unfortunatly, no real ending either. You need to focus on yourself- what got you to this place? Then you need to take the necessary steps to regain your life. The kindest thing you can do for him AND for yourself, is to keep NC. It isn't fair to keep calling him and trying to get validation when he is trying to move on. That's putting you in a very vulnerable position, too. You don't want to look needy and pathetic- you are STRONG! You just need to believe that about yourself and take control of your life.
We're here for you always!
Lily
I have felt this same way!! We get ourselves into these affairs and then we want to know from the XOM that he had "feelings" for us. It's part of being human (especially a human woman, unfortunately). At some level he probably had some sort of feelings...BUT WE NEED REMEMBER THAT THE FACT THAT HE DID OR DID NOT HAVE FEELINGS FOR US IS IRRELEVANT!!!!!!! The affair has ended (or should be ended), and we need to work on recovering despite what anyone feels.
A couple people liked the 10 commandments I wrote for myself and shared with them, so I will give them to you with the hope that something in here will help make you feel better/stronger/etc. We are all here for you :-)
1. The relationship you have in an EMA is not real. We feel the desire, the adrenaline rush, and the ego trip of having this guy pay attention to us and make us feel alive and "loved." We want to talk to him every day and are melancholy if we don't. What we don't see is the "real life" aspect of this guy! We don't see his dirty underwear and his annoying habits. This isn't real love and it's not real life.
2. When we are married to someone, we get the good with the bad, and that's part of life. Marriage takes work and commitment; EMAs are empty and unfulfilling when you really examine them. We should be pouring the time and energy it has taken us to maintain our EMA and put it into our relationship with our H.
2. There was an empty spot in our life when the potential for the EMA came along. Otherwise we wouldn't have taken the bait. We need to find that empty spot and fill it in so no other EMAs can ever invade again.
3. Exercise is our friend. Aerobic activity does all kinds of fantastic things for our bodies, but it also improves our mood. It does wonders to lessen the effects of temporary depression. No matter what shape you are in, you can do something! Anyone can walk and almost anyone can bike (indoor cycling classes are very effective and anyone can do them). Elevate your heart rate 3x a week for at least 30 minutes and you will feel surprisingly better (and this is a great way to fill up that time you used to spend with XOM!)
4. Same goes for nutrition. Downing a bag of chocolate chip cookies, no matter how gooey and delicious they are, won't do anything but give you a temporary chcolate satisfaction and extra weight. Drink lots of water and eat right, and your mood will improve (I know about this cookie thing firsthand).
5. This one is for the people who have a hard time when the days get shorter (all of us to some extent). Many people get the blues this time of year because they are exposed to less sunlight. As the days get shorter, we may be going to work and coming home in the dark. Sunlight makes our mood happier. Take some time during the day to go outside or sit by a window.
6. No contact is the only way to make a clean break. Period. Many of us have experienced the difficult and emotional "first week of no contact." It does get better. Really Stick with it because it's the only way to improve things.
7. Get some counseling to help you sort through your feelings. Despite what I have said to others on this board, I have never been a big believer in IC, at least until now. I still don't believe in long term counseling, unless there are clinical issues involved, but anyone who is going through what we are going through needs some help to organize our thoughts and to find the questions we need to ask ourselves in order to move on with our lives.
8. There was a reason that we married our Hs. Try to remember what those reasons were. Work on getting back some of the magic (it's never going to be as exciting as the thrill you get from an EMA, but remember--THAT ISN'T REAL). You have been putting a lot of effort into your EMA; isn't it time to put that same effort into your marriage? And if your marriage can't be fixed any longer, then put that energy into getting to know yourself.
9. Each of us is beautiful, strong and smart. We have power inside of us to do incredible things. Some of us have high-power careers or very demanding jobs. Some of us have children. Some of us take care of a household, do volunteer work, or take care of aging parents. If we can do all that, we can do anything. We do not need any other person to convince us of this, espcially an XOM. We are strong enough to have a conversation with our XOM (in our minds of course, not in person, since that would break NC) and say: "I do not need you anymore. What we did was wrong and was a misuse of our time and energy. I will have a lovely life without you. Goodbye."
10. Visit this board often. One of the reasons that 12 step programs work for other addictions is because of the network of support. Use this board often to help yourself regain your strength.
I said that! ROTFL - maybe you knew that and that's why you said it - but I had to go find my post to reread what I said! :) Thanks for reminding me! :)
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=13974.5
Maybe I won't ever get the validation from him that I want/need - so I DO need to learn how to be okay with out it! :)
And Free - thank you so much for sharing your 10 commandments with me! I can identify with most of them! :) and this was a good point "This isn't real love and it's not real life."
I still feel like I have such a long way to go - but I know I'm closer than I was 6 months ago - so that's good, right? :)
I'll just keep on trying... and hope one day it won't hurt at all! :)
That is SOOOOO funny! no, I couldn't remember that it was you who said that, but I REALLY struck me (obviously!) and has been something that I keep reminding myself of when things get tough! See how brilliant you are??? You already KNOW all of this! Just gotta keep believing it!
:) Hugs!
Lily
"I look back now and feel so hurt... why did he withhold from me and will I ALWAYS ache to hear that what we had was REAL and true?"
I am in the same boat as you.
I am still waiting for XMM to tell me why he did this. He most likely never will. But it's so hard to get over that part. All I do is vent my feelings in writing to try to get everything out. In my heart I know that he wasn't using me - I got him to admit that this wasn't a game to him, etc. but never did I get more than that.
I initiated NC after he did not respond. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do.
But if he can't give me WORDS, how can I give him anything?
Just my thoughts and I am right here with you, struggling.
I tried over and over again to try to appeal to him with my words... verbally and through the written word - and continually he shut me out! Back when things were good and active between us - I, too, was able to get enough to know it wasn't just an "affair" to him - he DID love me and he COULD envision what a life with me would be like - then he realized thinking about those kind of things did him NO good and he had to stop or it'd drive him crazy and he would start to resent and be discontent with the GOOD life he did have! That's when he started to shut me out! He's never said all of this to me - but knowing what I know and the LITTLE he did say and give me - I believe this is what happened! And all the times I pleaded for him to offer me some validation - "did you ever want to have more than this with me" "I just need to know what I was to you" etc. etc. etc. I've received silence in return! :( It makes you THINK he didn't care and he didn't feel that way for us - but we know better and maybe we have to be content with what we know and stop driving ourselves mad wishing it'd come from HIM in the form of words! it's not going to! :(
Lily is right - I KNOW more than I think I do - I've got it in me - but I definitely still have those moments/days of complete weakness and frusteration. Thank God we lay down at night - go to sleep and wake up to a new day! :)
It still hurts this morning - and I know there'll still be days I have to get through - but overall WE are the lucky ones... getting out is the BEST thing we can do for ourselves! The pain and confusion I experience now pales in comparison to what I went through when I was being let down and put on the back burner and THOUGHT he was giving me all he could! :(
BIG hugs to you working woman cause I KNOW what you are feeling - and I'd give anything for all of us that are hurting or dealing with the ending to NOT have to deal with it - but we did the crime - now we have to do the time... but one of these days that steel gate is gonna open and we WILL walk away from the MM-jail! :)
<<<...we did the crime - now we have to do the time... but one of these days that steel gate is gonna open and we WILL walk away from the MM-jail! :)>>>
I loved the `walk away from MM-jail' image! Very powerful. Just one small observation though, if I may?
If you ladies look just a eeny-weeny bit closer, you'll see that the steel gates are actually wide open and the guards are all on strike at MM-jail.
You need only find the courage to put one foot in front of the other in order to walk straight out.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I have had contact over the year initiated by him. He will go for months and then contact me. I always regain hope that he will change his mind and get a divorce but he never does. I did not have sex with him ever again since last October except once. We had gone 4 months with nc and I was finally starting to try to move on when he contacted me. I resisted for 3 weeks but finally saw him. The letter that inspired me to see him was that he wanted to marry me now and would get a divorce. Within days he began back peddling. We saw each other for a month or so. Now nc for 24 days.
Unlike you, all we talked about was how emotionally close we were, how we were one, how he had never been in love in his whole life except with me, how he let me into his heart and told me all of his intimate life. Ours was an emotional relationship. But even so, he still left me. So I don't think knowing that I was maybe the closest person to him emotionally in his life even helps the pain or the closure.
I want to get better now. I cried for one year. I am 41, I don't have time to waste waiting for him. I am amazed at how long it takes to get over this.
From experience, it takes a looong time.
My xMM told me the same sorts of things yours told you; he'd never been in love with anyone like he was with me. I believed him. I unfortunately, still do. It's been over 2 months of NC and I still think of him every day. I wonder what he's doing, if he's moving on without me (obviously he is) but I want to believe he's pining away for me and someday will ring me up to tell me it's over with her and he can't spend another moment without me.
I tell myself to stop dreaming. I push myself to keep busy and keep my mind off him. Was it really him that I was in love with, or the IDEA of him? For now, some other MM is pushing his way into my life. I don't have the same feelings for him that I do for the xMM, but there is something there, albeit mostly physical. The A with the xMM went on for quite some time b/f we even identified our feelings for each other; we tried NC more than a few times.
I know he is pining for me and thinking of me every day because each time he has contacted me in the last year since it has been over he tells me that. But he still won't leave; his kids will get hurt, God hates divorce, he will lose his money, his friends and family won't like him and a million other reasons. It doesn't matter. I left. I got a divorce. My kids got hurt. So I realize even though he still loves me and it hurts him too that we are separated, he is not going to do what it takes. I have waited a year and he never came. Not one day was he there for me.
I don't have to believe he doesn't love me, he does, but he won't take action for me and actions are what counts. I deserve someone committed to me that I'm not sneaking around with. On the other hand I hate wanting someone else's husband.
I think that it is only time that helps the healing. Time and no actions from him. He is better at nc. When he doesn't contact me then I say to myself, why should I contact him. Plus I feel more at a disadvantage now that I am divorced and he is still married. I don't want to chase him. He was supposed to love me so much he couldn't live without me. Unfortunately he is proving that he can live without me.
The only healthy choice I have is to move on.
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