needing help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
needing help
17
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 5:37pm
hi - I'm at a super low point - quick background... exMM and I have not seen each other for 6 months - HAVE talked periodically - mainly me calling to try and get some emotional validation - him saying it's just the way it has to be - about a month and a half ago I posted how he'd called to see if I'd meet him that night - I didn't! He also told me over the phone that he and W were expecting again (he wanted it to come from him). We haven't talked for almost 4 weeks now! :(

I found out today he's having another girl... he's super attached to his little girl (they also have a boy already). So... I'm just really hurting!

The whole A left me without emotional validation - what I mean is... he said he cared about me - I KNOW he was involved with me because of what we had - a deep connection - it was rarely talked about though - and as things came to an end I tried my hardest to pull out of him SOME validation that our involvement was more to him than just a "good time" - but his committment to his wife and family kept him from every giving that to me... he was always so careful with what he'd say - never giving me false hope or making me think it was more than what it was... I look back now and feel so hurt... why did he withhold from me and will I ALWAYS ache to hear that what we had was REAL and true?

I'm so confused and hurting on top of that! And all I can think is... I felt it - I KNOW I felt it - I could see it when he'd look at me and as though he WANTED to say more but never said it and I feel like I've been left hanging... never knowing... how do I get past this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
In reply to: ldesma
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 9:51pm
I think you've found the first step in healing, and that is realizing you have to move on. It's a conscious effort, and by effort I mean extreme and difficult task. Every day is a new day, and if we're allowed a new day, we're allowed to make decisions that will be healthy or detrimental.

It's been an effort for me not to pick up the phone or type out an e-mail and send it off to him. Our A didn't last long, but it spanned the seasons, and now with fall approaching, I find myself saddened by the changing of the leaves and the weather. I still find beauty in the fall colors, but I can remember him saying how much he loved this time of year. I can remember him telling me about this bonfire he was having out in his backyard with some neighbors and friends and I can distinctly remember thinking, "why is he telling me this?" It hurt me to imagine him there in his world, miles away from me, laughing and having a good time, his W nearby, his life moving on as it should while here I sat at home, wishing I was there with him, wondering if we was thinking about me at all. But I think he's like your love; he doesn't want to look bad to his friends and family and co-workers. A million excuses. The thoughts are there, but he's paralyzed to take action. Even when he found out his W had had a brief EMA, he said he almost called me, but then thought against it, "in case they got back together", he didn't want to hurt me. How f***ing thoughtful of him, huh?

And still I have these little demonic thoughts running through my head; if he thought about ending his M, hasn't stayed in counciling to work things out, hasn't worked through the anger and mistrust issues he says he has since learning of her A, then maybe, just maybe, he WILL seek me out again.

Of course if I held by breath for that, I'd be dead by now.

How much time do we allow to go by before we realize it's just not gonna happen for us? How many new relationships do we spurn because we hope against hope that he'll come running back to us?

I can remember one time when I tried to initiate NC; I told him that love doesn't end just because we don't see each other. I know I still feel deeply for him. Whether or not it's really love or just some sort of fantasy, I'm not sure. After reading lots of posts here, I have to try and convince myself that it isn't real love. It's an IDEA of love. I only saw him during his good times; I didn't have to clean up after him, do his laundry or deal with his crabbiness.

I haven't been married for a long time, and that M only lasted about three hellish years. I don't remember what it's like having to share everything with someone. Maybe that is what's been the appeal of an A...I can be with someone for those good times, and don't have to deal with the mundane. But when I need a shoulder to cry on, when I have to spend the holidays apart from someone I "love", then reality comes crashing in on me. I don't belong with MM. Odds are so against the MM leaving his family for his A. Even if he did leave, what sort of future is in store for a relationship founded on lies, deceit, betrayal and fantasy? I keep telling myself that over and over.

And still I feel so connected to him. Why him? I've backed out of other potential A's, but HE's the one I keep thinking of. It wasn't about sex; I refused for a long time to give in to that and he'd still come back.

I've tried to put specific thoughts of him out of my mind before I go out of my mind. If I think of our conversations, our brief times together, I think of how easily he made me laugh, how good he made me feel about myself. He brought out the best in me.

But that's all history. That's all over. I have to move on, too. It's just so damn hard. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, Survi, having lost what you have. My heart goes out to you and I hope and pray you find happiness and contentment.

Stay strong in your choice to move on. Pray a lot. (That's one thing that seems to have helped me; if I put all my trust in Someone who really DOES care about me, how can I go wrong? It's just the waiting, the doubt, and loneliness that make me desparate to reach out to someone tangible.) Oh, it's such a mess! Why didn't I just join the convent???

Oh, right...I'm not Catholic!

Hang in there, Ill be here for ya...and there's lots of other helpful and insightful people here. I wish the best of everything to all of them, and to you...

peace


grace

Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
In reply to: ldesma
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 8:31pm
Hey Grace:

hang in there and no more MM!! I am going to get over MM now. I am finally done. I don't care if I think of him all day every day. I don't care how much it hurts or for how long, I know if I keep up the NC someday the pain will end. I don't expect the love to end--it will just become a past love and thats ok.

One of the worst parts of C is hearing about his life and all the things he's been doing without me. Like the fall (he likes the fall too)and I couldn't imagine hearing about his holidays. I don't want to know any more about him because it just hurts that everything reminds me of him.

I guess A's are a strong strong drug because it has turned my life upside down and made me so weak and debilitated. Before I thought my life was pretty cool and I didn't care that much about his life. Now I just pine thinking of his life without me. Why? We lose so much self-esteem through this I think.

I don't want him to call anymore because I just know it will lead to nowhere and I will have to start over with the pain. I have done enough pain time for my crime

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
In reply to: ldesma
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 12:36am
Well, there's about 30 minutes left until the end of my birthday, and HE hasn't contacted me. Which is good; he contacted me after 9/11 again this year, which I didn't think he was going to do; I didn't answer the phone when I knew it was him, then I left him an e-mail stating that it wasn't fair, that I wasn't able to just be "friends" with him after all.(I hadn't heard from him for about 6 weeks prior to that) I said I hate it that he tells me he loves me, but the public sees him with HER. I wished him the best. So far, that's been the end of that. That was about the fifth time we've had NC; I have always been the one to initiate it; he broke it about 70% of the time.

So now he seems to be honoring the NC. Good. Then why do I feel so lonely for him? I've kept busy today, worked, surrounded myself with people who care about me. But now that I'm home alone, I realize he hasn't reached out to me. It would be bad if he did, though.

My mind would be totally spinning if I weren't so tired right now! I want him to call or e-mail, but that would send me totally out of orbit again.

Interestingly enough, a MM I'd met (while trying to rid my thoughts of the oMM!), sent me an e-mail birthday greeting today. This guy has kept NC for four months. That's about how long our A lasted. He, too couldn't leave his bad marriage and DC, blah, blah blah.

I haven't responded, and the advice I've sought from this board suggested I should not respond. I'm feeling particularly vulnerable right now, so I guess it's best if I just pretend I didn't get that message at all...

My life goes on without the one person I'd really really love to spend the rest of my life, or so it seems to me...I'm finding myself drawn to other relationships that have no future b/c I think I'm subconsiously (or not) not willing to commit to anyone who IS available for fear that this xMM might actually come around. How insane is that?

That is crazy, isnt' it? (Someone slap me; I'm low and lonely and am struggling to keep my distance...)


arrrgghhhhh!

Remember the pain, that's exactly what I must remind myself of, Survi!

You hang in there, too!

ttfn


grace

Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
In reply to: ldesma
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:20pm
Dear Needsgrace:

Happy Birthday. I noticed that I got really down this week when my kids went to their Dads. so yesterday I hung out with people so I wouldn't be alone and I felt better. It sounds like your NC has been about the same as mine or so. Actually everytime I initiate NC he breaks it but when he initiates it I never break it. This one was not really discussed but he mostly did it which helps me not break it. Since contact was so recent I can tell you where it goes--NOWHERE. And now we have to do the pain and lonliness AGAIN. I am tired of it. I don't care how much I hurt, How much I think of him, How long it takes--this time I will recover and you know what I know he will respect me and love me even more when I do.

Stay around people and no more MM find a single guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: ldesma
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:31pm
Survive...you sound very determined to move on...good for you!!

But I have to say, and please don't take offense at this...you say you know your exMM loves you...but in reality, he doesn't. If he did, he would have left his W for you. I know he's given you a thousand reasons, many valid, like staying for the kids, but you left your H, right? So you know it can be done. He doesn't want to leave her, which means he can't really love you.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I had to come to the same realization w/regard my exMM. He wasn't willing to leave his W...that meant he didn't love me. Sure he was infatuated, we both were...but it wasn't love. Not the lasting kind that all of us deserve.

I guess all I'm trying to say is don't dwell on what he's told you, because its suspect.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. I so admire you strength.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
In reply to: ldesma
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:11pm
umm Hi - remember me?

I keep getting a email notification that someone has replied to my thread - I'm all "YAH!!!!" then I come here to find it wasn't directed to me! :(

Sorry Survive - I wish you the best! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
In reply to: ldesma
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:48pm
<<<>>>

I beg to differ....If these men loved us, they would have NEVER made any of us their dirty little secret.


~True~

 

 

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