Needing to let this one last piece go...
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| Sun, 12-28-2003 - 8:50pm |
i'm in day 14 of NC after a 4+ year A, with the usual agony, pain of ending an A with the "love of your life, soulmate"....you know the story.....i'm married and want to be divorced (with or without the MM).......he's married, and isn't leaving......you also know that story.......this is one of many attempts at ending it, but this is by far the most serious ever......we are both really serious this time, and we've never succeeded in NC for this period of time, not to mention that the 3 months before this were on and off NC, with seeing each other only once during that period of time......
i have to say that, to my surprise, over the last 2 weeks, things have improved.......i'm not crying all day any longer, and don't feel physically ill most of the time, and have times during the day that i'm involved in other things and find that i haven't thought about him for 20 or 30 minutes here or there.......in between those times, i do feel an aching and longing for him and what we had together, but i also know during those times that we can't be together any more......i still find myself feeling complete disbelief that he is ACTUALLY going to let our relationship go and make this choice to stay married.....that has been the single most difficult thing for me to understand and accept, and i believe it's also the reason it's so difficult to completely let go......i'll never understand how or why he could be making this choice....
here's the problem.......i can't stop myself from spending way too much time lurking on this website that he's a member of.......it's a forum for people trying to quit smoking.......i sign on under a name he does not know (although i think he may have figured it out recently) and do nothing but constantly check a couple of things.......1) to see if he is on the site.....and...2) to see if he has posted any new information in his profile.......none of this does anything in particular for me........there is no contact between us, and as far as i know, he doesn't know i'm there........i just simply look at his name on the "members on line" listing, and check his profile to see how he is doing.......and since NC started, he has not added one word to his profile, which is unusual for him......
every day i tell myself today i won't sign on.......sometimes at night, when i should be doing so many other things, planning for the next day (i'm a teacher), or just so many other things i have to do as a mother of 3, etc.......i'll sit in front of the computer on quitnet, just waiting.......i'll use any real reason to actually get onto the computer......check my bank statement, read and post here on the board, check my email, look something up, but in between, i'm like this obsessed maniac, constantly returning to that window, clicking away on the links to find out if he's on line, or check his profile......click, click, click, over and over again..........time passes, half an hour, an hour.......i'll give my self a deadline..........i've been on for 40 minutes, and at 1:00 (a.m.), i'm going to sign off of this craziness and go do something else, read a book or anything else more productive than this, or just go to sleep because i'm exhausted beyond belief, both emotionally and physically........but more time passes......i've tried to limit myself to one hour these past few days, but have spent more like two hours doing this at a time.........even though i KNOW it's cutting into my time and i feel like an obsessed crazy person while i'm sitting there doing it, but i just keep doing it........i know it's my last hold on this relationship.......i know if i let this go and walk away from the computer and do not sign onto this site any more that i've given up ALL hope of ever being with him again......and i also know that if i don't sign on, i'll have to feel the pain all over again of the actual complete ending, because this last thing i have not given up has allowed me to in some strange way continue being connected to him........i know that stopping is the healthiest thing i can do.......but i just haven't done it yet..........there are nights that i wish someone could come over and unplug the computer and take it away.......or at least every night, i just wish someone would turn off the computer and gently direct me to bed so that i can sleep and find some relief from all of this.......but i know no one is going to do this, and i have to do it for myself.........i can't imagine how many more days i can sit here doing this.........i want and need to stop, once and for all..........but i guess i'm just not ready..........i hope i will be soon............
i know there is nothing anyone can say to help me get through this process, but it does just help to post here, and i thank any and all of you for your responses, to myself and anyone else, as i have found this board majorly valuable.......thanks again........

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i can understand what you're saying about how when you got back together and got much closer, that was when the A because much more painful....and of course that's exactly what happens when we let ourselves be the most open, the most intimate, the most vulnerable, and give every ounce of ourselves, physically, emotionally, spiritually, to someone......we let in all the love, and we let in all the pain.......
thank you for saying i'm courageous, but truthfully, i have done nothing for 4 1/2 years but try to figure out what the secret would be to just enjoying this man and this relationship for WHAT IT IS......i've struggled endlessly with wondering WHY i just can't accept it for what it is????.......because in my little brain THAT was the answer to all my problems !!!....if ONLY i could figure out how to be completely and totally in love with this person and have the most incredibly wonderful times with him AND THEN be PERFECTLY FINE !! when we were apart, because, after all, i'm mature and soo emotionally stable that i UNDERSTAND that we're both married and this is only an affair and not a full-time relationship, then I WOULD BE FINE and would be able to have him in my life.......SO WHY CAN'T I DO IT???
i don't know......i only know that no matter how hard it tried to do that, to be ok with it so that i didn't have to give it all up, i just couldn't be......
so, as courageous as i seem right now, i STILL find myself wondering if there's any way i could handle this......isn't that insane?.......
especially when, on christmas day, i was at my parents', and i went into the bathroom, and just stopped dead and stared at their bathtub.......WHY?.....because i can't tell you how, on holidays, i spent more time in people's bathrooms than in their living rooms, because we used to leave each other messages on our cells phones on days like that and i had to check often so that i could hear them.......and then i would sit in the bathtub (because it was further from the door!) and close the curtains and quietly leaving him a message, too.......on christmas day, i just looked at the bathtub, remembering all of those times, feeling sad that i wouldn't be doing that any more, and thinking how insane my life has been these past few years.....
you can't go back to last year, of course, but you can go forward to next year, and begin to think about ending it all again....and i, for one, know i'll be here to support you when you decide to do it......hang in there......HUGS......ada
But, I digress. My point is that you are doing well, and eventually you will be surprised to find that you haven't check the web site all day! My thing was my stupid cell phone, it was our only means of communication and I would check the dang thing constantly to see if he called, even though it tells me if I have a missed call or a v/m. I guess we all have our little obsessions that we have to work our way through.
Hang in there, girlfriend. You're on the right track and it will get easier. At least you don't live down the street from him and have to see the comings and goings of him and his family daily like I do. Yesterday we just happened to make eye contact across the yard and we both just froze, then turned around and walked away (at least I did), so I felt better about that. A couple of weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to look away, much less walk away, so I feel I've made progress. So will you!
Hugs,
Pony
I suppose that one day you admit to yourself how unhealthy all those actions are. You know you're better than that and if that is what the relationship does to you, then you have to let it go. I am so much more than a shell of a woman, watching a man through a window that I can't have with tears in my eyes. I want to live my life and feel true happiness again. I am so tired of having him in the back of my mind, because he doesn't belong there.
I think the best way to 'get over' the little obsessive actions that most of us do is through soul searching. You have to end the relationship in your heart. NC is one thing, but 'knowing' in your heart (not just in your head) that you want it over is another. God it took me FOREVER to feel in my heart I didn't want him in my life anymore. Once you do, you won't care if he's online, or out jogging or doing cartwheels on your front lawn. It just won't matter.
But...all of the sudden....she's suspicious. He's doing nothing different than he did two years ago, but apparently she's discovered he's important to her. Did I mention...not only has he lost 180 lbs in two years....they hadn't slept together for five years before that. And....I know what everyone's thinking. That's not him telling me that. The mutual friend that introduced us told me. She knows both of them fairly well and has for some time. Figure that one out..... Anyway, thanks.
Well, I can tell you from my own sordid past that the best thing that could happen is if he stopped posting on the site. That is the best thing that happened to me with a former lover....he disappeared. It was so good for me. I was able to fall in love again within months.
You need to stop going onto that site because it is NOT maintaining a connection between you to...it only FEELS that way...
You'll get there...
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