needing support

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
needing support
5
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 9:19pm
I am not new to this board and had a d-day in July of this past year.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 10:47am

First of all, try to contain your anxiety for the future.

For different reasons, but the same desired outcome, I am also trying to finally end this and resist future fishing contact.

Darn, you have to just decide no more. It's like the recovering alcoholic who drives by 3 liquor stores and 4 bars every time they get in the car. They want to stop in and drink, but they know the consequences. I'm a guy, and it doesn't sound like your xAP is ever going to leave his wife.

Just like everyone else on the board, we have to be adults and realize that doing what's best (I'm not even talking about right or wrong)is not easy. If you want it to end, it's gotta hurt. But we also need to remember, if it doesn't end - that hurts too. And it's not just us hurting.

"You Cant Lose What You Never Had" ---

Muddy Waters
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 7:00pm
Thanks for responding to me DD&B.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2007
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 7:24pm

Dear Hope - I wish I had a magic wand or a little pill to make all of us feel normal again. One thing's for sure - this sucks. Especially since no pill like that exists. I can feel your pain. You are grieving. It's a very difficult process. I have been going through this for a veeerrryy long time. And I work with my xAP. Every day I see him and every day it's a terrible reminder.


The dreams will change, I think. You'll replace them with newer ones, better ones. Maybe ones that aren't so hard.


You did a brave thing. But it was the right thing. Believe me - I know what a challenge it can be to listen to that little voice in your head, instead of the one in your heart.


I send a hug off to you. Be kind to yourself.


Mia

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
Sat, 10-24-2009 - 1:30pm

Miamore-


Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 5:05pm

Hi sweetie,

>> I am scared. I am scared of alone. I am scared of not being good enough. I am scared of not being wanted. I am scared of giving in to him if he ever attempts to return.

Please realize that you are especially vulnerable right now. You are waiting to separate from your husband, and you have also ended an affair. It's a double whammy of sorts, no wonder you are 'scared of ending up alone'. It's hard to think straight during a trying time like this.

Right now the absolute best thing for you is to start living for YOURSELF. You are worthy of love - and the love you most need right now is self-love. Love yourself enough to take a break from these relationships and ground yourself, get to know yourself better and what YOU need in your life. Stop focusing on xAP, you'll see that your fears will subside as you gain confidence in yourself. Remember that you are a capable woman.

>> When I started pressuring him to "make decisions" he started to get cold feet.

Think about it - are you pressuring him for the right reasons? When we hang onto someone for dear life and chant 'love me love me love meeeee!!!!!' you can be sure they will turn and run the other way. You're not pressuring him for the right reasons- you're pressuring him because you're afraid of being alone. And anyway, there shouldn't be any pressure at all - both parties need to be willing to jump in together. This isn't what's happening here.

>> I don't want this pain EVER again. How do I stop the hoping? What do I do with the dreams? Where does it all go now?

Amen, sister. No one deserves to be in that much pain. No one is telling you to stop hoping and dreaming! One day chances are more than likely you will be in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with an available man. The problem is that you want this to happen right NOW, and sweetie it's not going to happen right now. You have a lot of work to do before you are able to let someone into your life in a healthy way. That's your next step. Take the focus off xAP, and put it on yourself, build yourself up to be the kind of person you want to be. Then you'll be ready!

big hugs!!

trixie xo



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