Never Easy--} Part II
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| Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:04pm |
Here's a new one for the "Ending A Support" brain trust!!! What do you wimmens think?
Part II
I got another series of emails. Here's the "Cliff Notes" version:
From her- (no subject line/blank).. Hey. Did you hear so-n-so(my competitor) got laid off friday? they're restructuring. How is he ever going to find a job at his age? He's been in our business here for ever!
Back to her, from me- What about his co-worker such & such? Did he make it? Will the lay off affect him? I didn't call him directly, for not wanting to add to the spectacle of all the other calls he's surely getting today.
From her- Yes, such & such is okay for now. We'll have to wait & see. /// I told you the wrong date for the party. We had to change it to Friday 4/30. I really hope you'll come and bring ___(her co-worker/boss/my friend/customer) and ____(my ex-coworker & friend/competitor). _____'s coming also (her other co-worker/my customer). It wouldn't be a party without you.
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Do I even answer this? For heaven's sakes! Her party is 3 months away! I am not going (I'm just not "there" yet; don't know if I ever will be). At least I don't think so. Maybe I'll be better in 3 months. (I sure feel a lot different than I did 3 mos ago, but am not out of the woods). Even if I did, I would bring my wife (but she's not mentioned here). No. I'm not going. I need to make other plans that day.
1- Do I answer her email?
2- Do I write again, like I did back in Sept., that I just need to sort stuff out & need space? (or is that sounding pathetic?)
3- Why isn't she inviting her co-workers herself? (She sees them daily!)
4- Why isn't she including my wife in her invite? (is it an oversight?)
5- I thought she was dating again. Part of me thinks that makes things safer, but the "rational" part of my brain screams "NOOOOOO!!!" Yet a 3rd part of my brain is curious what he's like.
6- What's up w/ this 3 months away crap?
I never responded anything to her the first time, and am inclined again to just ignore the invite, and keep the next communication strictly to business.
The stupid thing is how this simple matter has messed w/ me again. What a knucklehead I can be.

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1- answering the rest/this one--> I screwed up before. I want to take care to keep everything "business". This is a "personal" invite. I guess the key is in how I separate biz/personal, firmly and without offense and for the good of all.
2- It still surprises me how this threw me for a loop. Picking my words is what I was seekign help here for (and have gotten great advice- as always!)
other- No... you sound right on, like everyone else. I don't think you are way off. Thanks, Chris!
You don't offend me at all. There is a nice post today about the community here. You don't offend me, but make sense. "Tough love" lives here...
Exchanging emails/gossip - Well, no, not really. I am in such a small community of professionals that do what I do. There may be a dozen of us state-wide (and this is a populated state.. not Montana!). When one of my main competitors closes an office, it is business discussion; do we hire him? Do we now get some new accounts? I think the parameters of the layoff discussion were "safe" territory, and not gossip. But going into the party stuff is clearly personal.
Part 2- Gosh.. I really do not want to be "leading her on" in any way. I really don't. Does it look like I am? I hope not and really do not want to. You've raised my alertness to that. I'm not wanting any gamesmanship. I just want to move on. Crapola! I hope I haven't! But you give me something to think about.
I need to be careful in delineating biz/personal. Sometimes it is a gray area. We will be in contact regularly; it has to stay business. I've got to be careful not to ask personal opinion questions. You're absolutely right. You've got a post here that I'm going to come back & re-read.
No offense taken at all, Caring. You're helping. Thanks.
I wrote a card *very much* like the words you've chosen. And that was followed w/ email exchanges basically sorting the card out, & re-emphasizing that very issue... the need for me to get back to my marriage & space & uninvolving myself, and her deserving the best life has to offer.
I really do not want to have to write all that out again, but was looking for a solution/ (respond? don't respond?)
I've got a vote for no response (which was my first inclination) and 5 (6 if I include yours) to respond. HOW I respond is the key. I want the door closed, but would like to have "peace" and continued decent biz relations... It is a tricky web we weave. And, as a poster above said, I'm probably making a mountain of a molehill. I'm just surprised at myself by how (this far into "NC") I've been thrown. I need to keep biz/personal separate, and "HOW" I do that is key. I don't want any gamesmanship. I just want to heal & move along...
Thanks!
...and yeah.. you give good advice. "NC!"
RG
Here is my two cents worth:
Women tend to latch onto any act/words/emails etc as a sign that the man they care about still cares for them in return, especially if they are desperate to believe that. Well, at least I myself have been guilty of that. Therefore, anything you say or do MAY give her hope that you still care for her the way you used to, unless of course you make it absolutely clear to her otherwise. I don't think you consciouly set out to lead her on, but by engaging in email exchanges with her, you may very well have achieved that without intending to do so. However, since you have already opened the floodgates by engaging in the email exchange with her, if you choose to ignore her now, that would only confuse her further. She will be left wondering what happened and as a woman, that sucks! She is probably wondering : why didn't he respond? Does he not care for our friendship / relationship / whatever any more? But he responded to my email initially ... surely that must mean that he still cares? Perhaps he wants to keep me in suspense? Perhaps.......
I am not sure what you told her when you first initiated NC. But if you have told her the truth, and she is fully aware of your reasons for wanting NC, I would suggest you tell her why you can't attend the party. This way, nobody is hurt (well, maybe she will be somewhat hurt, but if she is a true friend, and if she really cares about you, she would understand) or be left confused. If she does not really know the reason for NC, then let sleeping dogs lie and simply tell her you can't make it because of a family engagement. Finally, start making plans for a REAL family engagement on that same day - this will take away any temptation to attend the party as the date draws closer.
Iknowitstime
(and so do you)
This melodrama is over...
I did make much out of nothing. Now that it is sent, I feel much better & less confused.
Thanks, y'all. Here's what I sent:
***********
Subject: Your invitation
Hey.
You wrote once before about the party, and I didn't respond. I'm sorry, but needed to think about this one. Had to "sleep on it". And, I don’t want my not responding to leave you wondering. I've shared many thoughts in the past number of months; those emails (*and card*) I hope you've taken to heart. I just don't think it would be a good idea for me to come. For me.
I’ve made some “rules” for myself. Going would break the rules.
Please, do have & . (Don’t wait for me to ask them, !!) I'm sure they'll want to be there, because they both like you so much. Everyone does! If anyone asks me why I'm not going, my official answer will be that I've got something planned with the family. If those guys ask you, you can just say that I’ve been invited. I’m sure the party will be a blast!
Thanks. I don’t think I’ve ever sent a “regrets only” with this much regret; but, I know you understand, and thank you for that. Thanks.
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Keep up the good work! (and the NC)
dharma
although i know you see this mountain out of nothing a setback, try not to. or maybe you should. b/c you know what, you overcame it. so either way you look at it, you learned a lot and it's all about learning. which is a lot harder than taking the easy way out which is to pretend that there isn't a problem in the first place. knowing is half the battle. was that GI Joe? anyhow, you know what i mean.
as for moi, i don't know if i'm going to be here for a while or not. who knows? i'm still a little lost but not as lost as before. and i'm trying to learn to accept the fact that this is a process and it's going to take some time to sort myself out completely...
good luck to you! may the force be w/ you...sheesh, i'm feeling a little corny this evening, huh?
You've helped again. (Everyone here did). Like you, I'm liable to pass on for a while, but who knows? I may be back w/ the next "crisis" or moment of weakness. I try to help a little while I'm here to keep the fires going.
You & lifeofjoy helped me tremendously several months back. If you ever stay in contact with her, or email, tell her I said to keep the NC going, and a "thanks" too, okay? I'm doing much better, but have a ways yet to go... Thanks for everything Sambagita. I don't know if I should say I hope to chat/post w/ you here again or not... Does that make sense!?
-RG
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