Never Easy--} Part II
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| Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:04pm |
Here's a new one for the "Ending A Support" brain trust!!! What do you wimmens think?
Part II
I got another series of emails. Here's the "Cliff Notes" version:
From her- (no subject line/blank).. Hey. Did you hear so-n-so(my competitor) got laid off friday? they're restructuring. How is he ever going to find a job at his age? He's been in our business here for ever!
Back to her, from me- What about his co-worker such & such? Did he make it? Will the lay off affect him? I didn't call him directly, for not wanting to add to the spectacle of all the other calls he's surely getting today.
From her- Yes, such & such is okay for now. We'll have to wait & see. /// I told you the wrong date for the party. We had to change it to Friday 4/30. I really hope you'll come and bring ___(her co-worker/boss/my friend/customer) and ____(my ex-coworker & friend/competitor). _____'s coming also (her other co-worker/my customer). It wouldn't be a party without you.
****************************
Do I even answer this? For heaven's sakes! Her party is 3 months away! I am not going (I'm just not "there" yet; don't know if I ever will be). At least I don't think so. Maybe I'll be better in 3 months. (I sure feel a lot different than I did 3 mos ago, but am not out of the woods). Even if I did, I would bring my wife (but she's not mentioned here). No. I'm not going. I need to make other plans that day.
1- Do I answer her email?
2- Do I write again, like I did back in Sept., that I just need to sort stuff out & need space? (or is that sounding pathetic?)
3- Why isn't she inviting her co-workers herself? (She sees them daily!)
4- Why isn't she including my wife in her invite? (is it an oversight?)
5- I thought she was dating again. Part of me thinks that makes things safer, but the "rational" part of my brain screams "NOOOOOO!!!" Yet a 3rd part of my brain is curious what he's like.
6- What's up w/ this 3 months away crap?
I never responded anything to her the first time, and am inclined again to just ignore the invite, and keep the next communication strictly to business.
The stupid thing is how this simple matter has messed w/ me again. What a knucklehead I can be.

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hope you're still around to read this.
this note means a lot to me. thanks! i'll pass it along to lifeofjoy. you guys and a whole host of people that i don't see on the board anymore helped so much. tons & tons more work to do but i have much more faith in myself now than i did back in october.
i know what you mean about not knowing if it's appropriate to say hope to see you here again...ah, life's so weird isn't it?
best wishes to you, riverguy!
take care,
sambagita
- You don't seem to truly be interested in rebuilding with your wife.
- You are letting the games between you and OW affect your thinking and potentially behavior. So here's MY suggestion....
1. Stop playing games, leave your wife, and get off the fence....
2. Block her mail, explain that you appreciate the invite but you are not interested in any kind of contact with her, no e-mails or "innocent" chitter chatter. And truly give your wife the 100% that she deserves.
I just realized why your posts affect me so much. I was involved with my MM for just over 2 years when I finally told him that I was out. I had enough, that he needs to get off the fence and that I was taking control of my life. It's got to be one way or another Riverguy. You can't have both. If I was your wife, I wouldn't stand for it.
~Love
My posts affect you, and it makes me wonder if what your post here has to say is a classic case of what some call "transference" (sp?)--> a redirection of emotion/reaction from one to another. i.e., *xOM* messed w/ your head, so *I* get called on it.
What you say is understandable, but there is a lot of my history you've apparently missed (archived back in Sept 03)... (and it should be easier to pull up old posts than it is, I know! ...IVillage, are you listening?)
1- I am truly interested in rebuilding w/ my wife.
2- Yes. I don't know if it was gamesmanship that affected my thinking & feeling so much as it was old luggage I've been carrying. The key reason for posting & asking for help was so that my behavior would be appropriate.
Your #'s:
1- ?Leave my wife?! Whatever for? I'm not on a fence, and I don't intend to play games (again, hence the reason for asking for help).
2- As is the case w/ a lot of people here, it is impossible to "block" xOWs emails. She is a key employee at one of my most important clients' place of business. She & I often MUST interact. I'm in a field w/o many people in it; it's the nature of our biz that we will interact. The key I need to stay sharp on is making sure biz is biz, and no personal stuff "sneaks in" to the discussions or emails (this thread's 1st post was a good example). There are a number of people here who fit a similar profile. I'm a HUGE advocate of NC, so appreciate what you're saying. Gray areas will happen (ie., is talking about a key competitor closing an office, biz? Yes. Is asking her how she "feels" about that? No. Is asking her if they will put biz elsewhere? Yes.)
My wife is like you. She wouldn't stand for it. She never knew how far along my relationship w/ xOW got. She doesn't need to. But realizing myself that my relationship wasn't appropriate is what brought me here. For help.
I have been doing a lot to "rebuild".. and the nature of my rebuilding isn't because our relationship was ever "torn down" so much as it was something that has needed "remodeling". I've always been an attentive husband; but that wasn't enough (for me). She's getting flowers all the time, date nights, etc. But for me, there are issues that needed working out. It isn't a matter of quantity/or quality/ or attention to my wife. It is my own thing that I'm sorting out. I think has boiled down to other types of needs, and living life and learning along the way...
I have posted my story here in prior posts as well. I overlooked the fact that you ARE here because you are looking for the support that you need to stay on the right track. My responses to your posts stemmed from my initial reaction after reading yours, and my feelings have to do with issues of trust that 'I' have. Not only from this relationship but from my marriage as well. (I'm divorced, not because of A)
I hope for the best for you. I can only imagine how difficult it must be having to work with OW in some capacity and keeping your feelings in check.
Best of luck to you. SHey Riverguy, I stand corrected. Your attitude sounds very healthy and forgive me for jumping to conclusions without knowing your full story. I still disagree with you going to the party however.
I have posted my story here in prior posts as well. I overlooked the fact that you ARE here because you are looking for the support that you need to stay on the right track. My responses to your posts stemmed from my initial reaction after reading yours and my feelings have to do with issues of trust that I have. Not only from this relationship but from my XH as well.
I hope for the best for you. I can only imagine how difficult it must be having to work with OW in some capacity and keeping your feelings in check.
Best of luck to you. Stay strong.
~Love
(but hey... I'm NOT going to the party... check out the post above)
;o)
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