Never, Never, NEVER
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| Fri, 12-17-2004 - 8:09am |
Good Morning and TGIF to All,
This is a reminder to those who are in the process of ending their A. If you are even *thinking* about telling your current spouse or SO about the A, DO NOT!
Anyone with a grade school education understands the psychology behind this need to "confess": it is merely to assuage your guilt, and force your spouse to have to deal with your sh*t, and that is an unsolicited task.
Lookit, I understand this *seems* like a debatable topic, but look deeper. What's to be gained? In no particular order:
-You will kill your spouse's spirit and feeling of self worth.
-Sooner or later, your spouse will become very angry & hostile & may injure someone.
-Sooner or later, your spouse will take the moral high ground and berate you, belittle you, and make you feel like crap any time he/she feels like it (and you'll have to take it as part of the "damage done").
-The "trust issue" will always be there between you two, and it can always be thrown back in your face.
-Your spouse doesn't deserve to have this forced on him/her to deal with. It is not about him/her.
Those are just a few of the obvious reasons to take this to your grave. Look at the flip side. If you NEVER tell your spouse
-You can apologize for being "distant" for so long and say you think you need therapy to deal with your overwhelming feeling of melancholy.
-You can discuss all of the issues with a professional.
-You will have time and a safe place to do the work.
(But even if you don't use a therapist):
-If indeed you are remorseful, you can begin rebuilding at your pace.
-If you rebuild yourself into a trustworthy person, your trustworthiness will never be an issue.
-You spare your spouse the awful feeling of being a cuckold.
-Your spouse never has to live with the mental image of you and another naked.
-If you can get thru this and get it behind you, no one else's life is interupted beyond that unexplainable "distant" period in your life.
I'm not judging anyone who may have already told the spouse; this is a cautionary reminder for those who are beginning the process of ending the A and have wondered if it is necessary to confess. You will do more damage if you confess--you can quietly, yet agressively, accept responsibility and begin changing while not hurting any bystanders.
--LG

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Just curious. Why are you so adamant in regards to NOT telling? Have you? Is that why you are so terrified for others?
Telling the spouse, IMO, is a personel choice. This NEVER,NEVER, NEVER scare tactic is just a little trauma drama, don't you think? Most certainly I agree that it will only rip your SO's heart out, but in the case where they may already be suspicious, continuing to lie to them is cowardly conduct and would make rebuilding nearly impossible if disclosure ever came to the table.
I concur with the part of going to IC, to find out "WHY" you thought it was ok to cheat, what flaws within yourself gave you permission to do so, and what you are not seeing that could have made you choose a more honest and open solution to whatever problems you were avoiding. Once you have some insight into yourself, then a more valid decision can be made as to whether "telling" is a viable option for all concerned, as you may find out you don't even want marraige any longer. That occurs frequently, and shoud have been faced by the WS before they decided to stray.
Sunny,
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For all the reasons I mentioned, it's just a bad idea...
Sure, I guess it can be a personal choice, but that doesn't make it a good idea. Like the guy who said, "Usually I wear protection, but I figured: when's the next time I'm going to get to Haiti?" Bad idea.
Happy holidays,
-LG
Hiya LG,
While many agree with you and your reasoning, I'm gonna have to respectfully disagree with you.
The deny-deny-deny mantra is ingrained upon us until we begin to believe in it and it often takes on a whole life of it's very own.
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Anyone with or without a grade school eductation understands that unless both partners have the same set of blueprints & are actually on the same page with regard to rebuilding, it's simply continuing the lying & deceiving into the next phase of one's relationship - hardly a healthy place to be. Ask a BS whether they'd want the full facts before them in order that they might make an eductated decision about whether THEY want to rebuild or whether they'd want you to continue to protect them from the truth with lies & deceit.
To address your highlighted points wrt what's to be gained one by one:-
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You've already done that simply by having an affair, LG, even if they never discover it. You've likely also convinced them they are nuts for even having been suspicious. Allow them to continue thinking they are nuts and you were off the deep end for still undisclosed reasons is helpful to neither the partner nor to the rebuilding process.
<<<-Sooner or later, your spouse will become very angry & hostile & may injure someone.>>>
Angry & hostile is fair. If I've done the crime, I'll do the time for it. Physical injury has not been my experience nor exOM's experience though I gather his partner threw a plate safely across the room at one point. For those who believe there may be physical violence, I'd seriously question why they wanted to rebuild with a potentially violent partner in the first place.
<<<-Sooner or later, your spouse will take the moral high ground and berate you, belittle you, and make you feel like crap any time he/she feels like it (and you'll have to take it as part of the "damage done").>>>
If I've done the crime, why would I feel I deserve to escape any/all punishment the wronged have to heap upon me?
<<<-The "trust issue" will always be there between you two, and it can always be thrown back in your face.>>>
The fact of the matter is we've already defiled & made an absolute mockery of our partner's trust whether or not they ever discover it. If it's thrown back in my face, I firmly believe that is fair dues. And if we're talking about it, we're at least on the same page.
<<<-Your spouse doesn't deserve to have this forced on him/her to deal with.>>>
My spouse didn't deserve to have me lie to, cheat on, or betray his trust. He didn't deserve his wife making unilateral decisions which were beneficial only to her & with which she knew full well he would take exception. He didn't deserve being kept out of the decision-making process at the time I chose to embark upon an affair. He doesn't deserve being kept out of the loop NOW when there is a decision to be made regarding the possibility of rebuilding either. Furthermore, if the problems inherent in ME and in the contributions we BOTH make to the marriage are not *fully* addressed, then how likely are we to be very successful?
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It isn't about our partners, LG, it is about whatever need(s) we attempted to meet outside our relationship in the affair. It is very much about our decision to exclude our partner from the decision-making process in the first place. Let's face it, whose partner is likely to agree with you that the solution to whatever ails you is for you to be emotionally and/or physically intimate with someone outside the marriage? We won't get the answer we want, so we take the question away from our partners...
As far as all the reasons listed in favour of never telling your spouse, well, not telling them in the first place is pretty much what got us into this mess! It obviously ain't working for us so why perpetuate it?
If my partner and I are on the same page and are working from the same set of blueprints, then we may just work this all out. Having completely rebuilt from foundation to roof, we may well just have something stronger to live in than we ever did before.
MC is pretty much useless unless both partners are completely honest. From experience, when you aren't honest in MC, then you are simply papering over the cracks rather than properly repairing them. The paper covers over the cracks and it looks pretty to everyone looking in from the outside, but the cracks remain and you know they are there. It's a matter of when the cracks widen sufficiently to snap the paper to expose them again. IC is something I recommend simply because it's plain that we have issues if our lives have fallen apart to the extent that we were prepared to enter into an affair.
Equally, I have to say that if I've convinced my partner that I'm someone else (someone who has never lied, cheated or betrayed them) then my partner doesn't love me for me, he'd be loving whoever it was he *thought* I was.
I love & respect my husband enough that I gave him the decision of whether he wished to love me for exactly who I am or to walk away. All cards were laid out upon the table for him to inspect, to question, to refute, to argue and to debate.
We're in month 7 of rebuilding. We've now survived the honeymoon period of making the decision to rebuild, and we're now facing a long, hard road of repairing all the affair damage as well as the damage that pre-dated the affair. After 4yrs of dirty work, this is good, honest work, LG, and I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. Whatever happens down the line, I've made the right decision for me in allowing DH to make his own decision based on fact rather than fiction.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I'm in agreement with you. I will take this secret to my grave.
I once posted to another message board as a woman that was involved in an A and opened myself up to questions from everyone as to the why and how an A can develop. I got my a$$ handed to me, got called every name in the book, but mostly was told by 80% of the people that responded to "tell your husband now!".
Why I won't tell:
1) why would you carry on something like this in private, sneaking around as to not get caught, only to come clean after you've had your fun..seems selfish
2) I have no doubt that I would meet physical harm if I told; not to sound dramatic, but in a fit of rage, it could mean my life
3) my indecretions had nothing to do with him as a husband; I take full blame for why I did what I did and I'd feel that he'd be bitter and angry the rest of his life
4) I feel no need to ease my guilt by telling; It's up to me to live with the guilt I created.
Everyone must do whats right for themselves, but I agree with the original poster, no good comes from telling.
Posie,
Welp, we shorely disagree. I get that the spouse has already been hurt by the distance and lack of intimacy caused by the A. People make mistakes, but that doesn't mean the spouse should be forced to have his/her face rubbed in it. Compassion dictates that the person who had the A should be allowed an opportunity to atone for their behavior without causing more damage than they already have (by revealing it).
And as far as standing there and accepting any and all forms of punishment and retribution beause you "did the crime," I'd like to point out that we don't put people in stocks on display on the town square any longer. Nor do we require them to wear the letter "A."
I will add this, however: If I were to get engaged someday, I would tell the future hopeful about my past A and let her decide if she wants to roll the dice with me. If I were to love again enuf to marry, I could see this being information she would be entitled to prior to the vows.
I just think it's a bad idea to tell the spouse.
Happy holidays,
--LG
Edited 12/17/2004 6:09 pm ET ET by leviguy
LG,
I absolutely agree with you. My H had nothing to do with my A; it was my doing and there's no way in hell I would tell him and hurt him to relieve my own guilt. I know how confession is good for the soul but in this case it would only do harm. The OM is thousands of miles away and neither of us would choose to reveal the A so why dump this mess on the BS who was unaware of the A in the first place?
Others have posted that you cannot have a new beginning if you both don't start at the same place. I truly believe the decision to tell or not to depends on the situation. In my case my H knew nothing. It was my first and only A and I have no plans to repeat. If my H suspected anything, he never revealed those thoughts to me and we've been together a very long time so I'm confident that he would have said something.
The guilt I live with now is overwhelming, and yes there are times when I'd love to just blurt it all out, but it's never going to happen. I deserve this fate and I've managed, albeit its been extremely difficult, to keep an even dispostion throughout the entire time, during and after the A, and although I've had my moments of pure grief and sadness regarding this entire mess, the one rule I've given myself is not to devulge anything to my H. He's a good man, and this A wasn't his fault. It was my own selfish choice.
Peace to All
g
This discussion is really debatable, and there will be different views on it I agree. Some would tell their spouse and try to make amends , others would keep it a secret. It all depends on the individuals I guess.
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But what Gefca says here is what I feel as well. I would only hurt my husband deeply if I told him. Its not that I dont want to, I want to blurt it all out too, because one part of me feels he will understand and say its ok, and that he loves me.
But another part of me knows that he will think about it all the time, and be terribly hurt. He is just coming out of a very very bad financial crunch, which was the root cause of the problems in our marriage. It made me terribly insecure and I looked elsewhere for comfort. I am connecting with H now and life is happier with him than it had been in the past years. At this point in his life he does not need news like this, it would devastate him.
So I would let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe my thinking is wrong, but in my case its all I can think of for the moment.
Take care all
Trish
Levi,
Yep...agree with you completely. I had no choice, H found out about it. We are now separated. Sometimes I think we can get past this, other times I think there's no way. And he was unfaithful to me in the past! I would give anything to go back and undo it, but I can't. All I can do is take care of me and try to be happy.