New - 4y A over and need advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
New - 4y A over and need advice.
44
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 2:21pm

i will try to make this short, i swear. i've been on MAS inconsistently and lurking here for a while as i knew this was coming.

short part: nearly 4 year A with MM who is best friend and coworker. until last spring, it was never a consideration he'd leave... but we were madly in love and would end, begin, end, begin. last spring came "the last straw" for him in his M, and he asked me to wait... he'd be out in July. a month later he asked me to wait until Sept to get things aligned. in August all h*ll broke lose when he said he wasn't ready. i went NC and left town for a week (a planned vaca) and he lost it... begging for a chance to get until after the holidays - his promise to stay for their kid until then.

so... the entire time between august and now they've been talking about the separation - furniture, who'd be in the house, etc. he went to a lawyer. i made it gradually back to him until we were literally planning how soon we'd move in together, our wedding, when we'd start planning a family.

they talked last weekend, and she does a 180 (blindsiding him) - says she wont let him go until she feels she's exhausted her efforts. he told her she's being selfish and handcuffing the whole family (because he told her he wouldn't leave unless it was 'mutual') to a family that doesn't exist because SHE changed her mind. he gave her until "spring" (she asked for the end of the year and he said absolutely not). he told her he would not be going to counseling, going on dates, sleeping in the same bed (they haven't in more than a year). i'm not sure what she thinks she's getting, but she's trying.

I freak, of course, because the morning OF that conversation we were still talking as if he was moving out this past week. So I told him i'd need a concrete date in January to stay.. and he couldn't come back with it. he says he still wants to be with me, but knows his decision to stay means i have to go (and he's losing "the best thing that ever happened to him"). he says he's scared to death he'll move out and i'll already be in a relationship, or in love, but he knows that's where he's landed us.

our last call was that we both hate this, he doesn't understand why i have to go away (not be friends) but he'll respect it. he doesn't want me to treat him like a leper at work (FYI changing jobs is not an option), and maybe get to the point where we're friends again. i said i wouldn't be rude, but i can't be around him now and if there was ever a chance of us being around each other at all (a mutual friend's upcoming wedding), then he has to give me time now to get over him. we did promise to protect each other from conversations of her or my dating.

the part i'm really frustrated with about myself is that i'm so focused on them - i'm scared they're going to reconnect - that i'm not yet focused on me. Advice? I'm trying to remember that this is a BEGINNING. i'm so sad (i am losing what feels like a fiance and a best friend)... and so terrified about how everything (including work and our group of friends) will play out... and so relieved to have a decision... and so hopeful. i feel like i'm on a minute to minute rollercoaster!

so... any advice? i'm trying to take it day by day or else it's all so overwhelming.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 3:11pm
My.....my oh my. Where do I start? I am so taken by your post. I am hoping someone who is better at reacting to this than I am. Please know that I know how you feel. It has just been so long since I read a post like yours and I have been out of my A for over a year and I do not want to appear like I am insensitive to your plight. I say this because I know as I continue to write this, you are not going like to hear what I am going to say. Moreover, you will likely get defensive and not come back and post again. And that is the last thing that I want. I am going to do my best to respond as delicately as I can. You may be thinking what does she know? She does not know what we have (you and MM). We have all that that what we had with MM was so special and unique....

I encourage you to read, read, read, get in the healing library and read away. You will see that for years we have all read and posted situations just like yours....yep....if you want to read my story...please do.

First, this is endings board. And that means if you come here and want to or have ended your A, this is the best place you can be. Reading and posting will be your greatest healer. We will support you. When you think you are alone and can not get you thru we will. WE have never let a posted down. Now, all that to say that, that we have rules here. And those rules apply evenly to all. And those rules are based on a combination of years and years of experience of those wise women and men who have come to this board before us. And, the amazing group that still post here daily. We come from all parts of the world and we do not always agree with one another, but we all genuinely care for one another's well being....and we all want ourselves to be better and grow and learn from some of the most horrific mistakes we have ever made.

With all that said, have you ended your A? Do you want to end your A?

Do you know what no contact is?

A tweener is someone who has had NO contact for 3 months. That means none, nothing. If you work with MM, there is what is called limited contact....and YES, totally doable, you can work with MM and still end your affair and take your life back. I am blessed that I have never had to do that, but our CL Iddy has and she would be an excellent resource should you need it or want it for that matter.

Here comes the part you are not going to want to hear....
You MM has free will. He can leave his W if he really wants to. He could leave tomorrow. He is not your fiance. He belongs to another women. And who do you think you are for questioning her wanting to fight for her M? That man belongs to her. Not you.
I do not care what he has told you about their sleeping arrangements. If he really wanted to leave her, he would have. People get divorced all the time. I know that first hand, if someone really wants out. They get out. No matter what...kids, we have heard that excuse a thousand times on this board. He stays because he wants to. Being friends with someone that you crossed the line with is pretty much impossible. Friends do not keep secrets....friends are not made secrets. Love....real love is not hidden and people who love people, really love people, do not try to get them to stay in something they had no business being in. Affairs are addictions....no, really, they are. Do your own research if you do not take my word about it.

Who are you? Do you even know anymore? How much has this relationship drained you? Consumed you? How have you REALLY felt about yourself in this relationship? What made you think that it was ok for you to be with someone else's H?

She blindsided him? R u serious? I have to call you out on that....imagine if she knew of you and him....who is being blindsided? you have been carrying on with HER HUSBAND for four years....who is blindsiding who?

You have been fooled....you are so in the fog you can not even see straight. you see him as a prize...this is pretty normal so please do not think I am being mean....I am just trying to be as delicate as I can and still be very honest with you and your situation. I hope you take this post well. I hope you answer my questions....

The best thing you can do for yourself is stay Limited Contact and leave MM and his family alone. Walk away. Let them reconnect if at all possible. Why would you selfishly want to take that from them? All so you can win? What exactly would you win? A man that has cheated on his W for four years? R u so sure he would never do the same to you? How can you make plans to love, live with, and marry someone who was never yours in any way shape or form? He already has all of those things with his W. He has put you off time and time again....why? Do you even believe his excuses?

Please know that none of this post was meant to hurt you...NONE. I actually care about your next move, and I pray that something I said screams off the page at you and encourages you to do one of the hardest things you will ever have to do....LET HIM GO....and take your life back....stop settling for being second, stop settling for crumbs he throws you at his convenience....if you want this over, you are ready to get off the roller coaster of the ugly hell of affairs....than please end this and end it for good. It does not have to be a good ending, as long as it ends.

The self degradation can be so painful....stop it today. We will be here to guide you and navigate what we have all been thru....I speak to you from once was a very, very, very dark place....I am affair free and am so happy that I came here and allowed women to help me...Please do not run away, please stay and post, please let us help you....but ya gotta want it....let us know.

You will be in my thoughts....
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 3:31pm

Welcome, Konline. Your moniker looks familiar. Have you been here before? I am glad that you have been lurking, which means I also hope you have been reading our Healing Library. Have you started to familiarize yourself with some of the posters and their stories?

Many of us were promised the moon while in our A's, but putting your life on hold for a promise is going to eventually take it's toll. As we say around here, "Actions speak louder than words" so all of the promises in the world aren't going to make things happen

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 3:54pm
your post is why you are the CL and I am clearly not....well said. And hopefully you made up for what appear to be a harsh post....
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 4:00pm
Hi K!! I do remember you fom MAS, not sure if you'll remember me. I've been NC for 8 weeks tomorrow and making it though that was one of the hardest things I've ever done. After an almost 2 year A giving up that fantasy was so difficult. But now I'm free! I know what you mean by feeling good about a decision being made. STICK TO THAT DECISION! The next few weeks will be the hardest but push through and know that it will get easier, and better days and hope for a new life lie ahead past the pain. Come here and let us support you. This is the best thing you can do for you AND him. Welcome and hugs to you..I hope we see you here for a long time to come!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 5:06pm

Luvin:

Wow - harsh. Thank you. ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 5:07pm
Thanks! I'm gonna need the hugs and prayers!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2011
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 6:16pm

Chiming in to support you on your ending.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 6:36pm
Hello,

My EAS sisters have already given you a taste for this ending process - and the amazing rewards that will come from a life FREE from the horrible, never ending roller-coaster ride called an affair. Luvin, your post was perfect. It oozed the truth. I hope every who reads this thread takes everything you say seriously.

I could have wrote your post K2005. Worked together, leaving/not leaving, begging to wait, to make it work, she can't handle me leaving, my hard is harder than your hard, too in love, can't live with, can't live without, no one ever loved me like you do, blah blah blah. Endless attempts at ending - and then came EAS. I tell you, it is no lie, that this place saved my life. Actually, I SAVED MY LIFE, and this place helped me do it. Gave me the tools & all the support & wisdom I needed. The only catch is, YOU HAVE GOT TO WANT THE MADNESS TO STOP.

And, contrary to what others may say, this board isn't about xAP bashing ... BUT it is about getting really really real about what it is we all did to make these affairs happen. THE LIES we told to ourselves and everyone around us. The actions we took that risked families, and actually tore them apart. You know what, don't be apart of someone else's family coming undone. Move on. Surely you can see that this isn't the foundation upon which to build a life with someone. He's not leaving, not even close. My xAP was out apartment hunting ... talking babies. That's a familiar story for many of us here. EMPHASIS on STORY. The story we fed, and the story we believed. If we believed that there was a happy ending in store, well heck, it wasn't all that bad then was it? Perhaps SOMETHING good was gonna finally come from all this hurt? NOPE. NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES OUT OF AN AFFAIR. Especially when there are kids involved, and the spouse wants to make it work. Have you realistically thought about what your life would be like? How you would be viewed by all those in your life, in your community, in your workplace? How his kids would come to view you?

Some tough days ahead of you ... but we'll be there. There is hope at the end of THIS struggle ... not further descent into a pool of nothingness.

I wish you strength & courage,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 8:15pm
Good to know my post was well received despite how harsh it may have come off. I got my head dinged several times before I snapped the hell out of it. I have never had to work with exAp. I am one tough whipper snapper but I do not know that I could ever handle that. So my hat goes off to ur attempts. Ok, so you know his technique, u know his plan, so how r u going to handle it differently this time? How are you not going to fall for those fishing attempts? What are you going to do to protect yourself? Let's tk this out, let's write it down if need be. Shift those assignments elsewhere...avoid him as much as possible...

Your health...this is a big one. Take care of yourself. At the very end of my A, I weighed 117, I am 5'7", and I don't like being thin. I had not weighed that since highschool. And physically at the time, I should have been gaining weight, not losing it....I was barely able to care for my children. I had neglected myself so badly...so, so horribly...please take care of your health

And u mentioned you had a child... How old? Tell us about him or her? What's your relationship been like with that child since the A?

My children are what motivated me to let go and heal...I owed them that. I never owed MM shiz!!

Use him/her to motivate you if at all possible. I do not care their age. Our children always need us.

You may have to ditch that circle of friends...even if it's temporary...if anyone of them are true friends they will still be ur friend when u are farther out of this...

Surround yourself around those people who care about you and your well being...really care. You know those u blew off to be with MM...

I am way softer than my posts...ask around...

You are in for some work, but if u really want to end this, we will not let you down....even if you do...

Happy u are at some peace n relief today...know that you are about to encounter rough waters...

Slippery slope...come here n we will ride it out with you
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 9:22pm

KHA & TU:

Pages