New - 4y A over and need advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
New - 4y A over and need advice.
44
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 2:21pm

i will try to make this short, i swear. i've been on MAS inconsistently and lurking here for a while as i knew this was coming.

short part: nearly 4 year A with MM who is best friend and coworker. until last spring, it was never a consideration he'd leave... but we were madly in love and would end, begin, end, begin. last spring came "the last straw" for him in his M, and he asked me to wait... he'd be out in July. a month later he asked me to wait until Sept to get things aligned. in August all h*ll broke lose when he said he wasn't ready. i went NC and left town for a week (a planned vaca) and he lost it... begging for a chance to get until after the holidays - his promise to stay for their kid until then.

so... the entire time between august and now they've been talking about the separation - furniture, who'd be in the house, etc. he went to a lawyer. i made it gradually back to him until we were literally planning how soon we'd move in together, our wedding, when we'd start planning a family.

they talked last weekend, and she does a 180 (blindsiding him) - says she wont let him go until she feels she's exhausted her efforts. he told her she's being selfish and handcuffing the whole family (because he told her he wouldn't leave unless it was 'mutual') to a family that doesn't exist because SHE changed her mind. he gave her until "spring" (she asked for the end of the year and he said absolutely not). he told her he would not be going to counseling, going on dates, sleeping in the same bed (they haven't in more than a year). i'm not sure what she thinks she's getting, but she's trying.

I freak, of course, because the morning OF that conversation we were still talking as if he was moving out this past week. So I told him i'd need a concrete date in January to stay.. and he couldn't come back with it. he says he still wants to be with me, but knows his decision to stay means i have to go (and he's losing "the best thing that ever happened to him"). he says he's scared to death he'll move out and i'll already be in a relationship, or in love, but he knows that's where he's landed us.

our last call was that we both hate this, he doesn't understand why i have to go away (not be friends) but he'll respect it. he doesn't want me to treat him like a leper at work (FYI changing jobs is not an option), and maybe get to the point where we're friends again. i said i wouldn't be rude, but i can't be around him now and if there was ever a chance of us being around each other at all (a mutual friend's upcoming wedding), then he has to give me time now to get over him. we did promise to protect each other from conversations of her or my dating.

the part i'm really frustrated with about myself is that i'm so focused on them - i'm scared they're going to reconnect - that i'm not yet focused on me. Advice? I'm trying to remember that this is a BEGINNING. i'm so sad (i am losing what feels like a fiance and a best friend)... and so terrified about how everything (including work and our group of friends) will play out... and so relieved to have a decision... and so hopeful. i feel like i'm on a minute to minute rollercoaster!

so... any advice? i'm trying to take it day by day or else it's all so overwhelming.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 10:03pm
I love your resolute attitude that this is done K...keep coming back to that. This week expect a wide range of emotions from sadness to anger and back again..bouts of crying and wanting to give in and break NC...then bargaining, thinking maybe it wasn't that bad..But don't give in. You WILL get past this and things WILL get better. But not if you break NC and get sucked back in. There is pain with either option but with ending the light at the end of the tunnel is hope and being back in the affai the light IS another train coming to mow you over. You can do this! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 10:05pm
Crud. And here I was hoping the hard part was over. :) j/k! Thanks! Love the train analogy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 12:38am
People feel differently n feel better about their situation over different time friends. But this crap stays with you. What changes is how you react to it. How u let it make or break you at any given moment. It's about how you handle trigger? How you fight an overwhelming urge, how u resist em n how u maintain n gain total self control. How u stop allowing yourself to be manipulated no matter how good he is. How even if u want to break down, u muster up, take a deep breath n walk away with your head up but still go into the bathroom and cry as quietly as you can.

Ur daughter...I get that she is 8. I have two children 13 and 11. Do not let her age fool you. She may not know it all but she knows something. N kids remember way more than you think she does. I am a child of adultress. My mom. When I look back, I remember way more than my mom ever imagined. Please never have this man around your precious child again. He is unworthy of her presence. He is unworthy of yours. And I have to say that you two went way in...u crossed some huge lines...kids together...a NO NO...I see why u thought he was yours...mistakenly...but understand, you intertwined way too much in one anothers lives.

And please read thru some of "Nocompromises" threads...just to let you know, I have to tell you, u can be discovered at any time. Anytime. U can lose your job at any time. And you can almost bet on if and when u n him are found out, he will throw u under the bus so fast you will not be able to blink twice. You will lose everything including any respect you ever gained from anyone at your job...n do not be surprised if people do not know already. They may not know for sure, but if wife got a whiff of you, what makes you think they have not?

Oh and u need to come up with a plan. Go to the limited contact thread...there is a ton of amazing stuff. Ton. This board has a ton of resources.I am
Thinking it is in healing library. The LC crew can better equip u with this info than I can. I do not speak to what I do not know.

Block him every way possible so that he can not email or text...u have control over that. If he can reach only at work that gives you a time when u are going to have your game face on...not that any of this is a game for you. You just need to be prepared. So that when he does come around. You are ready. As ready as you can be. Block emails, block texts, FB, twitter, IM on a computer...emails, delete em, all of em, pics? Delete and/or burn...u may need to do then when u r ready. But I can not tell u how good it feels when u are ready

Block him now tho...every possible way. The harder it is for him to get to you the less you have to fight yourself not to react right?

And the Fluck cares if he gets mad. So the hell what. He needs to get over himself. U need to focus on you.

And do ur best to let go of the obesessive thinking of what is or is not going on with them...ya have no control and it only cripples you. The thoughts crush you. Try, try, try to redirect....tough I know but this is going to take work. N u are going to dig deep within yourself....DEEP.

You have already got some support n this is the very beginning.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 12:48am
Forgive my typos....typing this from my phone....I think u will get what I am sayingzz :)
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 9:34am

Day 2 - the good news, I don't have to work and I don't think he'll contact me yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 12:12pm

Hi K, I just wanted to welcome you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 12:22pm

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 12:39pm
Block him...why have u not done so?

I will let the others handle what to do when and if you are cornered. I have plenty of ideas but have never been on the position. Just remember you have control over you...not him...unless YOU continue to allow him to....
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 12:49pm
I can't block him b/c of work. I'm going to do my best with just an immediate delete.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 1:09pm
Good. Delete those texts like they never happened. Don't engage in any conversation other than telling him, "I'm busy" and walk away. They don't call it "Give them the cold shoulder" for nothing. Being sweet and polite only invites a man in. Think of him as the BIG BAD WOLF and who the hell would ask him to come in? Shut the door and lock it. This is your survival on the line and his behavior, no matter what, is his problem. You can no longer make it yours.

Hang in there. Enjoy your last day away and keep reading and learning. I bumped up the "How to Maintain LC at the workplace" in the HL for you. Memorize it. It's going to be your bible for breaking free at the workplace.

(((Hugs))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha