New - 4y A over and need advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
New - 4y A over and need advice.
44
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 2:21pm

i will try to make this short, i swear. i've been on MAS inconsistently and lurking here for a while as i knew this was coming.

short part: nearly 4 year A with MM who is best friend and coworker. until last spring, it was never a consideration he'd leave... but we were madly in love and would end, begin, end, begin. last spring came "the last straw" for him in his M, and he asked me to wait... he'd be out in July. a month later he asked me to wait until Sept to get things aligned. in August all h*ll broke lose when he said he wasn't ready. i went NC and left town for a week (a planned vaca) and he lost it... begging for a chance to get until after the holidays - his promise to stay for their kid until then.

so... the entire time between august and now they've been talking about the separation - furniture, who'd be in the house, etc. he went to a lawyer. i made it gradually back to him until we were literally planning how soon we'd move in together, our wedding, when we'd start planning a family.

they talked last weekend, and she does a 180 (blindsiding him) - says she wont let him go until she feels she's exhausted her efforts. he told her she's being selfish and handcuffing the whole family (because he told her he wouldn't leave unless it was 'mutual') to a family that doesn't exist because SHE changed her mind. he gave her until "spring" (she asked for the end of the year and he said absolutely not). he told her he would not be going to counseling, going on dates, sleeping in the same bed (they haven't in more than a year). i'm not sure what she thinks she's getting, but she's trying.

I freak, of course, because the morning OF that conversation we were still talking as if he was moving out this past week. So I told him i'd need a concrete date in January to stay.. and he couldn't come back with it. he says he still wants to be with me, but knows his decision to stay means i have to go (and he's losing "the best thing that ever happened to him"). he says he's scared to death he'll move out and i'll already be in a relationship, or in love, but he knows that's where he's landed us.

our last call was that we both hate this, he doesn't understand why i have to go away (not be friends) but he'll respect it. he doesn't want me to treat him like a leper at work (FYI changing jobs is not an option), and maybe get to the point where we're friends again. i said i wouldn't be rude, but i can't be around him now and if there was ever a chance of us being around each other at all (a mutual friend's upcoming wedding), then he has to give me time now to get over him. we did promise to protect each other from conversations of her or my dating.

the part i'm really frustrated with about myself is that i'm so focused on them - i'm scared they're going to reconnect - that i'm not yet focused on me. Advice? I'm trying to remember that this is a BEGINNING. i'm so sad (i am losing what feels like a fiance and a best friend)... and so terrified about how everything (including work and our group of friends) will play out... and so relieved to have a decision... and so hopeful. i feel like i'm on a minute to minute rollercoaster!

so... any advice? i'm trying to take it day by day or else it's all so overwhelming.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 1:11pm
Thanks! I'll read it now. And I LOVE this ...thanks! <>
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 2:04pm

When I told him I needed to take a hiatus, he promised to wait to hear from me.

Maybe this is part of the problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 2:23pm

How about it is over, PERIOD? See you can not give him hope and he is not going to get a divorce and say by some chance/miracle he does, by that time, if she maintains NC, she won't even want him....Divorces can drag on forever and someone usually chickens out.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 2:24pm

Welcome, K!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 2:25pm

and BTW, all your posts appear like you are on hiatus...not ending it. Thats why I asked in your very first post if you had really ended it, not if you had ended it temporarily.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 2:39pm

Luvin, you replied to Heartache by accident. Had me scratchinhg my head....

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 3:07pm
I am still new board challenged...sorry heartache...I have no excuse for being board challenged...just rather post than figure the board out...

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 3:10pm

You guys are right... I thought I explained my thinking but i'm seeing now that my initial attempt to avoid conflict with him I can see is going to cause more trouble down the road.

It IS over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 3:13pm

No problem, and you are right, Luvin.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 3:30pm
He is not going to leave you alone...why would he? You have done everything he wanted and put up with him the last 4 years. He is selfish. Thus, the text today. He has been on his game with you all this time.

If he really cared about you and your well being. He would leave you alone. Keep in mind, he is addicted too. But that is NOT your problem. Not at all. He will have to be alright. Just like you had to be alright always waiting on a text or a call....all those times he was with his family when you were alone...

Difference is, he is not going to handle it well at all. You always did what he wanted and how and when he wanted...you are taking the candy right from
His hands...too bad. U can only focus on you. Keep reading...

You need to block him. Work or no work. Do u not have set business hours? U do not have to be at his beck and call. You said yourself you can shuffle stuff around to avoid work with him. Can he not just email you regarding work if it is that pressing...not buying the work excuse for not blocking him...there are so many other ways to communicate. Why give him that direct access to you all the time?
You never had it with him...
You need to make some choices and really stick to em....this aint easy and allowing him to call/text constantly is not going to jumpstart your healing. At all. You are only going to thwart any progress by allowing him to continue to call/text.

Do u want a good chance at ending this?
Or do u want to go back to MAS, where the backwards thinking of your first post and embraced?

I will be your biggest ally...but u gotta do the dance...
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida