New - 4y A over and need advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
New - 4y A over and need advice.
44
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 2:21pm

i will try to make this short, i swear. i've been on MAS inconsistently and lurking here for a while as i knew this was coming.

short part: nearly 4 year A with MM who is best friend and coworker. until last spring, it was never a consideration he'd leave... but we were madly in love and would end, begin, end, begin. last spring came "the last straw" for him in his M, and he asked me to wait... he'd be out in July. a month later he asked me to wait until Sept to get things aligned. in August all h*ll broke lose when he said he wasn't ready. i went NC and left town for a week (a planned vaca) and he lost it... begging for a chance to get until after the holidays - his promise to stay for their kid until then.

so... the entire time between august and now they've been talking about the separation - furniture, who'd be in the house, etc. he went to a lawyer. i made it gradually back to him until we were literally planning how soon we'd move in together, our wedding, when we'd start planning a family.

they talked last weekend, and she does a 180 (blindsiding him) - says she wont let him go until she feels she's exhausted her efforts. he told her she's being selfish and handcuffing the whole family (because he told her he wouldn't leave unless it was 'mutual') to a family that doesn't exist because SHE changed her mind. he gave her until "spring" (she asked for the end of the year and he said absolutely not). he told her he would not be going to counseling, going on dates, sleeping in the same bed (they haven't in more than a year). i'm not sure what she thinks she's getting, but she's trying.

I freak, of course, because the morning OF that conversation we were still talking as if he was moving out this past week. So I told him i'd need a concrete date in January to stay.. and he couldn't come back with it. he says he still wants to be with me, but knows his decision to stay means i have to go (and he's losing "the best thing that ever happened to him"). he says he's scared to death he'll move out and i'll already be in a relationship, or in love, but he knows that's where he's landed us.

our last call was that we both hate this, he doesn't understand why i have to go away (not be friends) but he'll respect it. he doesn't want me to treat him like a leper at work (FYI changing jobs is not an option), and maybe get to the point where we're friends again. i said i wouldn't be rude, but i can't be around him now and if there was ever a chance of us being around each other at all (a mutual friend's upcoming wedding), then he has to give me time now to get over him. we did promise to protect each other from conversations of her or my dating.

the part i'm really frustrated with about myself is that i'm so focused on them - i'm scared they're going to reconnect - that i'm not yet focused on me. Advice? I'm trying to remember that this is a BEGINNING. i'm so sad (i am losing what feels like a fiance and a best friend)... and so terrified about how everything (including work and our group of friends) will play out... and so relieved to have a decision... and so hopeful. i feel like i'm on a minute to minute rollercoaster!

so... any advice? i'm trying to take it day by day or else it's all so overwhelming.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 3:52pm

URGH... I know!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 4:08pm

situation 1: I usually go to lunch with the group (including him) 3x or more a week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 4:14pm
Actually yes... sorry, I WILL work out Mon & Wed; Thu I've set a lunch date with a girlfriend... so just Tues (b/c I have a HARD workout class after work). I'm also going to try to go to lunch more with the other ladies in the office that I so often turned down for xap & gang.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 5:44pm
great minds think alike Heart - I was just going to post the same thing - I LOVED when I could workout at lunch and it's not an option anymore but in the initial phases it was liberating to work off some of the agression that I felt!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 9:50pm
Thank you so much for everyone's advice.. I was terrified of going into tomorrow and having to see xap... now I'm just scared. (lol). I have officially made plans for every (kid)free night this week...including our date night. and got my workout bag and lunch packed for tomorrow.

You guys rock!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 10:08pm
YOU ROCK K!!! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow...be strong and hold your ground!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 11:11am
Sending you good vibes today. We are with ya...I really liked your last two posts...now you are walking n talking like an ender. You are in it! I like. N although the coming weeks will be hard, you know what ya gotta do...ya might have to make some things as you guy...n ya might stumble, but I promise if u put in the work, u will reap the rewards...

Remember we have all walked in your shoes one way or another, we will be here for ya at all stages...

Please let us know how u are when u can...
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 9:02pm

Ok.. this might be long but I'll try to abbreviate when I can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 9:32pm

Hi K,

Welcome to the board. I havent said Hi to you yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 10:27pm

You actually did pretty good, all things considered....seriously.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida