New - 4y A over and need advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
New - 4y A over and need advice.
44
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 2:21pm

i will try to make this short, i swear. i've been on MAS inconsistently and lurking here for a while as i knew this was coming.

short part: nearly 4 year A with MM who is best friend and coworker. until last spring, it was never a consideration he'd leave... but we were madly in love and would end, begin, end, begin. last spring came "the last straw" for him in his M, and he asked me to wait... he'd be out in July. a month later he asked me to wait until Sept to get things aligned. in August all h*ll broke lose when he said he wasn't ready. i went NC and left town for a week (a planned vaca) and he lost it... begging for a chance to get until after the holidays - his promise to stay for their kid until then.

so... the entire time between august and now they've been talking about the separation - furniture, who'd be in the house, etc. he went to a lawyer. i made it gradually back to him until we were literally planning how soon we'd move in together, our wedding, when we'd start planning a family.

they talked last weekend, and she does a 180 (blindsiding him) - says she wont let him go until she feels she's exhausted her efforts. he told her she's being selfish and handcuffing the whole family (because he told her he wouldn't leave unless it was 'mutual') to a family that doesn't exist because SHE changed her mind. he gave her until "spring" (she asked for the end of the year and he said absolutely not). he told her he would not be going to counseling, going on dates, sleeping in the same bed (they haven't in more than a year). i'm not sure what she thinks she's getting, but she's trying.

I freak, of course, because the morning OF that conversation we were still talking as if he was moving out this past week. So I told him i'd need a concrete date in January to stay.. and he couldn't come back with it. he says he still wants to be with me, but knows his decision to stay means i have to go (and he's losing "the best thing that ever happened to him"). he says he's scared to death he'll move out and i'll already be in a relationship, or in love, but he knows that's where he's landed us.

our last call was that we both hate this, he doesn't understand why i have to go away (not be friends) but he'll respect it. he doesn't want me to treat him like a leper at work (FYI changing jobs is not an option), and maybe get to the point where we're friends again. i said i wouldn't be rude, but i can't be around him now and if there was ever a chance of us being around each other at all (a mutual friend's upcoming wedding), then he has to give me time now to get over him. we did promise to protect each other from conversations of her or my dating.

the part i'm really frustrated with about myself is that i'm so focused on them - i'm scared they're going to reconnect - that i'm not yet focused on me. Advice? I'm trying to remember that this is a BEGINNING. i'm so sad (i am losing what feels like a fiance and a best friend)... and so terrified about how everything (including work and our group of friends) will play out... and so relieved to have a decision... and so hopeful. i feel like i'm on a minute to minute rollercoaster!

so... any advice? i'm trying to take it day by day or else it's all so overwhelming.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 8:28am
Thanks! I've got some schedule changes to help... just gotta find a way of keeping from getting cornered but thinking hard about that. Also hoping I hurt him enough to keep him away even another day...each hour away I feel stronger! And u guys rock...I kept thinking..what would eas say to do? :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 8:46am

K- I agree you did very well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 11:59am

Hi K and welcome to EAS :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 12:51pm
((HUGS))

Yes - go for you! I also worked with xAP before he made it so difficult, I left. I still have to see him on occasion, but I have it down to an art how to not even notice him. Seriously. You can DO this. It is as much about YOUR state of mind as anything. A huge realization for me was - finally getting to the point of KNOWING that NO MATTER what I would NEVER EVEN want to be with him. Even if he HAD left, I WOULDN'T WANT HIM. This isn't about him NOT choosing to leave, this is about YOU CHOOSING YOU.

Practice the walk away. Practice indifference. Not sulking, not hurt, not games. Practice DIGNITY. It will become your new addiction.

TU.

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