A new and improved me!
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| Mon, 11-09-2009 - 12:45am |
I was responding to a post earlier and realized something I have never thought about before. I don't know about the other newcomers on here but as for myself I have been struggling on this journey. Not struggling in the way one would think of....struggling to find some piece of the old me that I know still lingers about. A fragment of the person I was before the chaos enveloped me and I lost sight of myself. I am realizing though nowadays that I don't want to be that person anymore. That person tends to be misguided and use poor judgment. That person tends to be naive and be able to justify anything under the sun if it benefits them. That person tends to have a askew concept of what love and devotion is. That person tends to not have as much self control and self esteem as one needs. That person is the reason that I ever got myself into such a situation. That person is ME. Why hold on to something that has proven to be

Kristin,
Me, too! Me, too! I want that! I was that person once; I liked her. I want her back! Only, new and improved - with improved patience, strength, resolve, focus and self-esteem. It's been very painful to look at my old/current self in the harsh light of truth, but pain is a great motivator and I embrace it now instead of doing my Scarlet O'Hara routine of "I'll think about that tomorrow." I hate being a person having a pity party or playing a victim, especially since the troubles I have now are all ones I inflicted on myself. I read something on this board yesterday -- basically, we don't put the ones we love in harms way. I fooled myself into thinking I wouldn't get caught (and I didn't), and therefore thought I wasn't putting my family in harms way. But, what about ME?? I purposefully and intentionally went head first into the abyss, knowing full well that I was going to get hurt in the end - not to mention the hurt I was causing to myself along the way by betraying that part of me that I love. I feel like I own that part of me a huge apology for silencing her voice and turning my back on her. I know it sounds a little schizo, but that is how I feel. I want to be a fully-integrated, honest and unashamed woman again.
I have to also deal with never being able to apologize outright to my H, kids, and - yes - even my xAP. I put them all in harms way to satisfy very base and selfish needs. Gosh, that hurts. I guess I can only make it up to them by becoming the W, mother, and friend that they all deserve. Don't panic, by 'friend' (ref'ing my X), I mean the kind of friend who is entirely OUT of his life so that he can more on, too.
Thanks for your post, Kristin. It's just what I needed this morning. I identify with you and it's ever so helpful to read you emanating such strength and insight.
Morning, Kristin :)
I had to pat down goosebumps after reading this inspirational post because, imo,
I really like your post Kristin.
Shows you are thinking about where you were and where you want to go and who you want to be.
All very positive.
You go gurrrlll!!!
Much love,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thank you Empowerment and Clarity.
I started thinking about what or who exactly it is that I am struggling to hold on to. I then realized it was myself. I was wanting to hold on to someone that has let me down repeatedly. I think what it all comes down to is seeing that the old me has wonderful traits all her own but she has several that need addressing in their own right. I read so many post in which people are desperately (myself included) wanting to go back to the person and life they had. My biggest fear is that if I stay that person.....that person will wind up back in the situation which brought her to this awesome message board. The truth is we are already changed from that person that entered into the A....therefore clinging to the hope that we will somehow transform to who we were prior seems like a complete waste of energy.
I hope you ladies know just how much you have
As a previous post said,
Logan,
Thank you for the reply. I am glad to know that people are finding this post insightful. It is something I just realized regarding myself but I am pleased that other people can completely relate to it.