new and lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
new and lost
5
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 12:35pm

I've been reading here for a long, long time... at various stages, when my affair was just beginning, when I wanted to end it, and now when it actually is over. I'll be honest in that I have not posted because I didn't want to listen to the advice because of the no contact thing. But, I'm getting desperate. I'm not saying that you all are harsh people and unjust to men, I just haven't come across any posts yet (mind you I only read a handful) of someone who is in my type of situation... Here is my story.

We worked together, about a year and a half in is where it started. I fell hard and fast and so did he. About 6 months in, I knew I was in trouble and tried to break it off. This is the point when it began affecting my life. I was completely in love and found it harder and harder to keep my two lives separate. The break lasted about two months and then I caved. I missed him too much. For the next 6 months or so things were fantastic. Then it started catching up to me again...

What follows is a long and sad story, which I'll probably go into more detail about later... But I can now say, after a very very long break up, that it is over.

Here is where I consider my situation unique:

1. We are still in love, he hasn't done anything to "wrong me", nor I, him. If there was any way feasibly possible, we would be together, no question in my mind, and we would be deliriously happy.
2. We still work together. I can't cut him out of my life. We were never caught by spouses or co workers (thank god). But everyone knows we are close friends. If we suddenly stopped speaking, it would be very suspicious. Not that we want to stop talking...

I can understand that a heart will never heal if it is exposed to the other person every day, but I am unable to cut this person out of my life for the above reasons.

Any insight would be appreciated.

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: restless032
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 1:00pm

Hello Restless ...


I commend you on your willingness to put your story out to the board. Here goes:


"Here is where I consider my situation unique:


1. We are still in love, he hasn't done anything to "wrong me", nor I, him. If there was any way feasibly possible, we would be together, no question in my mind, and we would be deliriously happy."


I am sorry but you have wronged one another. Simply ask your significant others. You have both colluded to lie & cheat & steal from your friends and family. You have agreed to become people capable of living double lives, keeping one another in the shadows and deceiving all those around you about the nature of your relationship. There is not one friend in my life who I would encourage such behaviour from, and I would not have tolerated / nor required such behaviour from any other partner in RL. It is simply wrong. I believed I loved my AP too when I ended it - I ended it 3 weeks after he was apartment shopping, had a planned Dday, and then changed his mind. I was DEVASTATED. We don't leave because we magincally hate them, most of us left caring deeply about our APs. I realized however, that it isn't caring or loving behaviour to encourage a situation in which, if discovered, would destroy lives.


You haven't had DDays - that's when you really see their true colors, and yours. How quickly all those feelings of delirious happiness fades. The reality is, there would be a way - each of you

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: restless032
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 1:25pm

Restless,


<>


Sounds like you are in a real pickle. I see it as a no win situation but if you think it's impossible to cut the strings and still heal from thie, then don't be too frustrated when you discover that you need a much stronger pair of cutting sheers. ;-)


<>


Well, let me think here a minute.......what kind of insight are you expecting, L? I would tell you to read the "How to maintain LC at the workplace" in the HL, but you will probably poo-poo it. Tell you what. Read it anyway just for the heck of it. Why? Because those techniques work. You can still have a professional relationship with XAP, but by doing the suggestions in that thread, you are going to STOP your heart from breaking into even more little pieces.....


Affairs are not unique by any stretch of the imagination. They are about 2 people selfishly feeding one another feel goods and ego strokes (under the table) because no one in RL can know about how you feel toward one another. This kind of love hasn't a prayer to grow beyond the confines of the A bubble that surrounds it. And then they always pop sooner or later...and that sound can be defeaning.


If the two of you have broken up, YOU need to do all that you can to jump start your healing. You are going to find that by being friendly and talkative to XAP, wounds will never heal, and feelings will never weaken. You will be one big lump of frazzled nerves, intensified stress, and in more pain than you are experiencing now. So I suggest...


To keep reading this forum, all of the threads in the HL, and the pain written by others. While doing so, try to keep an open mind that will allow you to absorb the reality and truths that will come forth the longer you are in NC/LC. There is no other way to

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
In reply to: restless032
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 1:38pm
my reply didn't seem to work. testing...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
In reply to: restless032
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 1:44pm
Thanks to you both for your comments. I appreciate your well thought out, lengthy, and honest replies. I am definitely humbled. I didn't mean to suggest that it was a fairy tale or that he was perfect by any means. My story is quite ugly. I started typing out the whole story but I'm finding it quite difficult. Some friends know some of it, but I've never told anyone the whole thing. I am searching for a new job. I want to get out of here desperately. I know it is cowardly of me to want to wait for my departure before starting NC, rather than ignoring him while we are both still working here. I had a few interviews, but so far no luck. Quitting without another job lined up is just not an option.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
In reply to: restless032
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 2:59pm

No your situation is not unique...we all thought we were "in love", we all thought xAP's were our "soulmates.


I was in an intense EA for 3+ years with a close family friend...we are both married/kids. When we ended our A, I was so afraid what people would think when they saw us together and not hanging all over one another anymore. I am out of my A now for over a year and I am still "friendly" with him. NO one noticed or I should say cared that we don't lay on top of one another anymore...well maybe his wife and my husband