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| Wed, 05-05-2010 - 1:58am |
Hi.. decided to come out of the dark and post. I have been reading here for months. I was just so nervous to post. I finally decided enough is enough. So here I am.
I would like to first tell you ladies that I have read many of your stories and I only wish to have an ounce of your strength. You ladies are so strong and should be very proud of yourselves :)
Well here it goes; my story, please bare with me as my emotions are mixed up and to put them on here will be quite the task.
I was with AP for 3+ years now. I am single and have been hopelessly in love with this man who is nothing but empty promises. Before meeting this man I was just getting my stuff back together as I just got out of a long term relationship myself. Which I thought was the end of everything. But I made it and found myself again. So anyway a year later I met XAP. I knew he was married but agreed to go out for that coffee. We were friends from before. I thought nothing of it. We'll he obviously had his eyes set on the prize. I have never seen such persistence in my life. I guess looking back because that is what I do a lot of.. I ask how did I get into this mess? Like I said he was so persistent that he would text me all hours, call me every morning or text me good morning etc. Compliments to kill with him. Little by little I was putty in his hands. I started sleeping with my phone under my pillow cause now I am waiting for the good morning message. I swear I would shower and take the phone with me and if he called I answered (WOW) I am soaking wet and I jump out of shower to answer the phone!!! I never in my life did that for anyone. I recall when he didnt call me one evening he actually text me and apologized for not calling. At this point I thought..ummm really you dont have to apologize??? But I was smitten by that. Ok fast forwarding now to when things went down hill. He was supposed to meet me but he was a no show. Yup no show. I was devastated. I messaged him telling him how I felt and told him I want nothing more to do with him. Well that lasted for a month. A long miserable month. Now with me starting to tell him how I am feeling I found he messaged me less and I started complaining more. I would question why he wasnt as attentive as before but he would butter me up and right back in we were. I think I ended it with him a dozen times. I even went as long as 3 months. I was missing him like crazy. But everytime we would reconnect the dynamics of our relationship would change and he would be so distant. Even to the point when we got "together" I wouldnt hear from him for days. As for before he would call me as we were heading home telling me how much he likes being with me. I felt so cheap and depressed about it. How did I get to be this person? I hate who I have become. I made him my center of everything and he is living to the fullest (to my knowledge). So now it has gotten even worst. I would end it with him and I dont even get a response anymore. I almost do it to see how far he would go and how much he would miss me. Yes I know... again.. who did I become? I do have to tell you that when I do end it I am also thinking I am worth more than this sh*T and i cant take it anymore. But I keep going back. I am determined to get this man out of my system. I want nothing more to do with him; as I am saying that I am thinking about the things I love about him. He is the guy I was looking for. I am extremely attracted to him and his sense of humour is one of a kind. He is (in my mind) kind, caring, great father to his kids etc. charming, attentive well was.. The guy I would make my husband. But he is someone else's. Than I think of his cheating and lying ways and think I would die before being with a man like that. Than I think "hey I am no different" i cant judge. I know I am a mess well my perception of right and wrong is OFF!!!
Im sorry for my long post. I have so much to say but sorting through these feelings is not easy. I don't even know what I am feeling :( I got out of a 10 year relationship mourned the loss of that relationship for 6-7 months and I was back but stronger. Getting over this man is so different. 2 years and counting of trying to free myself and I cant. Even when we are on speaking terms I still feel like something is missing. When I am not with him I feel that too. I dont win either way.
I do have to mention that what hurt the most is this year it has been a very difficult. I lost my job that I had for 15 years and had several family problems. I was hoping that I could talk to XAP about them but he was not interested. He didn't say this to me but I felt it. Seems like he is only around for the good times. As for before he was playing the concerned roll very well. That was an eye opener for me. But not enough to really kick him to the curb. Really how much more do I have to hurt myself to realize that I need better for myself and get rid of this man!
I need to stick to NC and most importantly find myself. I am so disappointed in myself that I put my needs in front of an innocent woman and children. I hate myself for not caring. I do care as I cry about this all the time and I feel I deserve the pain that has come to me because I did this to a family and in the same breath I will jump at the chance to be with him. I think that is why I keep taking it. I don't know. As you can now clearly see I am all over the place with this. My first involvement with a married man and the last!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read!
Hope to hear from you soon.
Edited 5/5/2010 2:06 am ET by livexlaughxlovex

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Welcome live!
Livex, welcome to our community. I am so proud of you for taking the first step in ending this consuming addiction. How long have you been in NC this time? Even if it's just
~Iddy~
Welcome LXLX,
I am so sorry you are going through this excruciating pain.
Hi, Livex-
I just wanted to welcome you with a big HUG and let you know that you are in a safe place here. We all remember how difficult that first post is - but, you did it! It's a wonderful first step on the right path. Please stay, read, post... let it all out! We're here for you.
Blessings and love,
Dee
Welcome!!!
I know that you are in terrible pan now - but as I was reminded of yesterday, it is a pain that comes from needing to grow & heal.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi Livex-
Welcome. I remember what it was like to come out of lurking, and because you have done so, it means that you are ready to get out of this cycle of pain and will allow us to help you remain accountable to that desire. As Iddy said, I hope you have read everything in the Healing Library multiple times. I found so much strength there in the days right after ending my A. The article about addiction really opened my eyes and helped me tackle the feelings in a more productive way. I wasn't missing him per se, I was missing the high of the chemical rush produced from being with him. Knowing that helped me block out the romantic fantasizing that kept me in the A for so long.
I know that you hurt now, and you will for awhile, but what you have to know is that this hurt has a light at the end of the tunnel. You are not stuck in the destructive cycle of the A, where you were constantly struggling against the hailstorm of rejection and guilt. Now, you are moving forward. And with each step you take away from the A, you will become stronger. You will have ups and downs, but the downs on this side of the A are so much more tolerable than the downs inside the A because they have a purpose- the purpose is to make you stronger.
We have all experienced the whirlwind of emotions
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
((((Gullable)))
Here's that hug, honey. Wish I could give it to you in person.
Love ya,
~Iddy~
Gullable,
You came to the right place. You will find that the ladies here will help guide you through this difficult journey. You will have to resolve yourself that you have had enough!! Once you know that you are sick from the A roller coaster, you will never want to get back on.
You will continue to have ups and downs. My A ended in Jan and even though his W found out in Dec, I held on for dear life hoping we could get back to where we once were. A's just do that to you, you just dont think straight.
Come here often, heck, I come here EVERY day. Just read and listen to these ladies. I can honestly say they are so very intellegent and have guided me and sometimes even pushed me in the right direction.
Welcome to EAS, now that you are here, may you remain strong and stedfast in your resolve to walk away.
GMLB
Hi LLL,
A big ((HUG)) and welcome to EAS!
Welcome to EAS LLL....by the way, I love your name! Welcome back to YOU!
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